By Michael Armijo

I sat there for about an hour. In the beginning, it was as though I was an understanding, caring individual who had stepped up to try to take care of the situation – to take care of my mom and her condition. After sometime had passed, the realities began to set in.

Some of my family members are praying and pushing for a miracle. I am trying to be realistic. But deep inside, I, too, am hoping for that one little chance for things to go back to the way they used to be a few months ago. Back when my mom would sit up, look me in the eye, and say, “Mijo, bring me some sushi; they don’t have any here.”

But, after sitting there listening to the rambling, pointing, incoherent sentences, and the unrealistic requests, I soon realized that normalcy is a place my mom may never visit again.

It’s fearful to see someone who raised you, cared for you, and loved you for so many years lose those abilities.  It’s fearful to come to the realization that life will definitely change, forever.

When a few of my friends passed, they died suddenly and unexpectedly. I’ve always wished I could have had more time with them at the end.  But after watching my mom, I think it was a blessing that they went so quickly.  With my mom, I am forced to witness the slow deterioration of a kind, compassionate, and giving individual.

When my niece came to visit, my mom kept reaching out and placing something into her hand, over and over again.  When my sister asked what she had been given, my niece replied, “Nothing.”  My mom is so giving, that she continues the process even when she has nothing left to give.

So now, as I sit here with a heavy heart once again, I am left to wonder what will happen next.  This time, I refuse to let the unpredictability of life and death control me. I refuse to give up, because I am blessed (and cursed) to feel love and compassion at such a heightened stage.

I can proclaim that my gifts are my weaknesses, or I can claim my weaknesses as gifts and do my best to remember the bright and shiny moments. I will remember all the great gifts I’ve received from such a loving individual.  And I will try my damnedest to smile through the tears and the heartache, and I will forgive – because when someone leaves this world, they leave all that heartache and pain behind. And so will I.