By Michael Armijo

My grief counseling session in the office above a little tavern has concluded for the day, and once again, I am moved.

I love to talk to people and share life experiences; it’s like reaching for the light.  Bright and vivid rays project from others as they share love and friendship, and I enjoy hearing other perspectives on life.

Recently someone shared with me that they felt safe when they spend time with me. I was happy that I could make someone feel that way in a platonic relationship. When you’re dating and feel safe, it’s usually love that provides protective feelings.  But if you subtract the love and can still make someone feel safe, to me, that means you are generally a good person. I feel like I am, and have held onto that concept and carried it around for a while.

While in therapy, we talked about the verbal and physical abuse my siblings and I suffered as children.  And then that concept of safety slipped into the conversation.

“Michael, when was the last time you felt safe?” my therapist asked.

I sat there silent.My mind spun around with images of the different stages of my life.  I saw flashes of particular times and places as they ripped past my eyes.

I realized that I couldn’t remember the last time I felt safe. I didn’t even know how to describe what it felt like to feel safe. It was just a concept that was too far away for me to understand.

I believe these feelings have come up mainly because my mom is ill and may never recover.  And generally, moms have the ability to make a child feel safe.  Now that my mom may be leaving us, that feeling of safety she brings has already begun to depart. She is here physically, but mentally and emotionally her dementia is starting to rob us all of her presence and the safety it brings.

So another obstacle comes into my life. Another hurdle to leap, another bullet to dodge. Another situation that requires me to overcome while trying to continue to “keep moving forward.”

I’m sitting outside the tavern, admiring the serenity of the tall trees.  I am enjoying the moment, and for now, I will try to embrace the place that I am in; serene and quite, like the trees.  Right now I am at peace.  There is no turmoil, no expectations of me.  As I close my eyes and shut out the rest of the world, right here in this moment…I am safe.