By Michael Armijo
Sometimes I attribute it to the way I was brought up; other times to the way my time has been spent. Either way, deep within my spirit, there is a little piece of me that constantly whispers to my soul, “You don’t belong here.”
When I hear the word, “dysfunction,” I am reminded of my life growing up – rather the way I perceived it while growing up. To me, this feeling seems to go far beyond just an upbringing. This feeling sits deep within; an instinct that I don’t belong.
The feeling seems to linger like a vulture waiting for carrion to arrive so it can be fed. During moments of weakness, I sometimes feel like prey.
One of my theories is that I just might be from another time. Or, it could be that I can see a light that others cannot. Maybe I have been misled about life because no one has bothered to convince me that life is what society says it should be. Whatever the reasons, I just can’t seem to shake the feeling.
It’s a bit difficult not understanding your existence, not knowing the answers to puzzling questions and second-guessing major decisions and successes. It’s not easy feeling ill-at-ease during happy times – wondering if I really deserve what I’ve earned, or waiting for bad news to follow good. The questions I have about life haunt me, and I carry a heavy heart.
I know that somewhere, at some time, I’ll be able to find the answers I’m looking for. I’ll find the reasons behind my feelings. I have hope that I do belong to this galaxy called Life; that I really do belong to the realm that understands why I feel the way I do. When this day comes, I will finally feel at home. I will feel deep within my heart that I am no longer from another time; a far-away land. I will stop hearing the negative emotions whispering to my soul.
But then again, maybe I just need to come to the realization that I am from another planet. And that it’s okay to be so.