By Michael Armijo

It’s 5:52 in the morning, and I am on my way to a Bible Study that is almost an hour away.  Why would I travel so far, so early, on a Saturday morning to join these like-minded men?

Over the past few years I’ve lost several people – two of whom were good friends that I spoke to on a daily basis. So now, as time has passed, I find myself heartbroken and lonely. I’m always seeking to replace at least one of those friendships with someone else with whom I can be honest, open, forthright, and someone who will listen to me whether I’m right or wrong…especially when I’m wrong.

I’ve had my share of friendships that ended with me feeling abandoned and that I was just too wrong, especially during a crisis. Lord knows I make mistakes often enough, but true friends would stick by me no matter what – just like those lost friends that I cherish and miss so much.

What I’m learning is that I continue to try to be myself, but feel that not everyone can accept who I am. It takes years of understanding, development of loyalty, and compassion.  These types of friendships aren’t cultivated overnight.

As I find myself alone, I realize that I keep trying to push relationships forward, most likely to replace whatever I am lacking.  My therapist said I have a huge hole inside of me and I keep trying to fill it, but I have to come to the realization that this hole may never be filled again.  I may have to walk this earth like a wounded soldier; like I’ve lost a leg or an arm – perhaps never feeling whole again.

And while I do have friends, most are busy and unable to give me the time that others have in the past; although it is comforting to know that they exist and that they do care for me.

So, as I drive to my destination in the early morning darkness, deep in thought, I’m looking forward to Bible Study and the camaraderie of its purpose; the brotherly hugs and warm handshakes.  I will keep working to get past the mourning that has been my companion, and look forward to relationships that will make my heart feel safe once again.

This Bible Study may be God’s way of telling me to just be thankful for what I have had in the past, what I have now, to stop seeking replacements, and instead BE a friend to someone with all the unconditional love and care that I have been so lucky to have experienced.