By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi

A Letter From M.M.

Q:  My middle aged sister has been financially dependent on our father her whole adult life.  She has a decent job, but fails to live within her means.  My dad has always cushioned her life financially, but she remains a mess.  I don’t like to see her take advantage of him, but when I would bring up the subject, my dad would more or less say it was none of my business.  He said he felt sorry for her because she never got married.  I tried to understand his feelings.  Now my father has a terminal illness.  During a recent visit with him, he told me he knew he could count on me to take care of my sister after he passed away.  I just nodded my head, because I didn’t want to upset him when he is feeling so ill.  I am very angry and I don’t know what to do.  My sister never contributes anything to my dad or our family, but expects to get regular cash hand outs and other forms of support.  Any suggestions will be appreciated.  Thank you.

A:  I am sorry you are facing the loss of your father.  This is a very difficult time in your life so I will keep this simple.  Your dad is an enabler.  Your sister is a master manipulator and probably uses the emotion of guilt to get what she wants.  She most likely has a victim mentality.  And guess what?  It has worked where your father is concerned.  In a way, your dad has also used a subtle form of manipulation on you, when he said he knew he could count on you to pick up the responsibility for your sister after he is gone.  Guilt is a powerful emotion, but nothing good ever gets accomplished from prolonged guilt.  Notice how he never really “asked” you.  He does not leave any room for a negative response from you.  I’m sure he is not feeling up to a big conversation about this, so just forgive him and move on with finding your own way to deal with your sister.  Based on results, your father’s financial assistance has never really assisted your sister at all.  You say she is still a mess, right?   Real “Help” should empower a person.  It’s obvious your sister is disempowered by your father’s hand outs.  So, what your father provided was never really help.  He enabled her to stay dysfunctional.  Quite often, people like your sister end up resenting the people who help them stay in their bad situation.   And in many cases, they form a sense of entitlement that defies logic.  They feel weak and helpless and blame their caretaker for it, therefore feeling no remorse when their perceived requirements get out of balance.  When you do for others what they should really be doing for themselves, you diminish their opportunity for growth, personal power, and basic dignity.  Based on these guidelines, offer to “Help” your sister if she really wants to improve her life and explain that she must be a full participant.  Make it clear that you will not carry her as your father has done.  Healthy, able-bodied adults should take personal responsibility for their own lives. My hope is for you to start a new way of behaving in your family.  Breaking the old cycle will benefit all future generations.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her atstraighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.