By Sarah Sanchez

I married my best friend almost two years ago, and I believe I’ve settled into the routine of my new married life.  I can look back over the last few years and honestly say that no one prepared my husband and I for marriage. Even though we took a pre-marital course and were given advice from family and friends, there are still things that no one told us about.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love my husband and I love our marriage. This is not a complaining session, but an informative piece. If I had been given this list before the wedding, I don’t think I would have been so shocked with the changes. So pass this along to any engaged or newly married couples you may know, and you’ll save them a few surprises.

#7 – Communication And Compromise Are Key:  Marriage is about becoming one unit, and this “all for one, one for all” mentality can be a little tough to get used to. You will be making sacrifices throughout your marriage, mainly because it’s not just about you anymore; it’s all about the “we”. You are a team now and you need to constantly be on the same page. But if you communicate and compromise with one another, then both of you can be happy with the decisions that are made.

#6 – You Will Become One; But So Does Your Bank Account:  If you and your spouse put all your money into a joint bank account, all of it now belongs to both of you and you have to learn to budget EVERYTHING. This can be tough because budgeting your money makes you realize how much you need to cut down on going out to eat, and how much groceries really cost.  My suggestion is to download a budget sheet online, fill it out every month, and – oddly enough – actually follow it by writing down every expense you make every day. Dave Ramsey has an awesome book and class you can take that will benefit you as well.               

#5 – Men And Women Are Wired Differently:  This particular point actually became quite clear to us after reading a daily devotional called, “The Love and Respect Experience,” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. We learned that men and women are very different in almost every aspect: emotionally, physically, sexually, etc. As expressed in the book, a way to look at it is that women wear pink glasses and hearing aids, and men wear blue glasses and hearing aids. In order to understand how the other is feeling while you are in a disagreement, men occasionally need to put on the woman’s pink glasses and hearing aids, and women occasionally have to put on the men’s blue glasses and hearing aids.  Sometimes it’s just about perspective.

#4 — When You Say ‘I Do’, You Marry The Family Too: When you get married, it’s a package deal, meaning the in-laws come along with the spouse. Therefore, it’s better to put your differences aside and try to be civil with one another.  A trick my husband and I use is that we confront our own families, and not our in-laws. For example, if there is a problem with a member on my side of the family, then I will be the one to confront the family member. But if the problem is on my husband’s side of the family, then he will be the one to confront the family member. That way, the relationships with our in-laws aren’t jeopardized with the confrontation. The bottom line is to try to find a way to keep the peace and don’t let the little things bother you. Also, remember that every family is different, so the way your in-laws act may be very different than the way you grew up. It’s not wrong, just different; keep that in mind.

#3 – Pick Your Battles:  There is a difference between a disagreement and a fight. From my experience, disagreements are more about bickering, while fights are the escalated form of a disagreement that usually includes some form of yelling at each other; perhaps a slammed door or two. My advice is to pick your battles, otherwise you’ll fight about the most ridiculous things. Our first fight as a married couple was about boxes.  No underlying issues.  Just boxes.  Everybody is entitled to their opinion, and there will be conflicts in your marriage; so aim for disagreements, not fights.

#2 – Learn to Embrace Your Spouse’s Differences:  You have to remember that you are two very different people who grew up in very different homes. There are certain habits, flaws, and pet peeves your spouse will have that may be very different from what you are used to.  As long as their habits aren’t hurting anyone, life will be much easier for you if you learn to accept your spouse’s differences instead of trying to change them.  You know how hard it is to change your own behavior, even when you want to.  So the pressure increases significantly when someone else wants you to change a behavior that you’d rather not.  Refer to #3.

#1 – Your Spouse Is Not – And Will Never Be – The Same Person You Married:  This is the number one thing that they don’t tell you about marriage. It sounds bad, but it doesn’t have to be.  One of the most common reasons people get divorced is because their spouse is “not the same person they married”. But every relationship has phases.  For example, you start with the person you date (on best behavior); then comes the person you’re engaged to (you still know the person, but the façade starts to crack a bit); and finally, you end up with the person you marry (where, oh where, is my fiancé?).  So if you go into the marriage knowing there will be changes, your expectations will be better balanced.   I’ve only been married to my husband for a few years, and I can honestly say we both have already changed since the day we got married. I learn new things about him every day, even with dating him for four years prior. He has new dreams, new goals, and new personality traits I’ve never seen before. He’s noticed the same in me, too, and that’s okay, because we married each other for who we were to become, not the people we were at that moment.  You can be very different, and still grow together, which is the goal anyway.

Marriage is an amazing experience and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Yes, by the list above, it is tough and there is a lot of learning you have to do. But once you get it down, it’s so wonderful to have someone who cares for you, who loves you, who supports you, and is there by your side through all of life’s adventures.  For better or worse…”The best is yet to be, come marry me.”