By Michael Armijo

It’s 5:52 in the morning and I find myself leaving my home on the way to a Bible study that’s almost an hour away. Why would I travel so far to read the Bible with like-minded, quality men?
Over the past few years I’ve lost several people, two of whom were good friends that I spoke to on a daily basis. So now I find myself, heartbroken and lonely. Always seeking to replace at least one of those friendships with someone else with whom I can be honest, open, forth-right; someone who will listen to me when I’m right and when I’m wrong. Especially when I’m wrong. I’ve had my share of friendships, only to find myself feeling abandoned and told that I was just too wrong, especially during a crisis. Lord knows I am not right so many times, but Lord also knows true friends would stick by me like my other friends have in the past.

What I’m learning is that I continue to try to be myself and not everyone can accept who I am. It takes years of understanding and the development of loyalty, and compassion.  These friendships don’t develop overnight. So as I find myself alone, I realize I keep trying to push relationships, most likely to replace whatever I lack. I’ve been told I have a huge hole inside of me and I keep trying to fill it, but I have to come to the realization that this hole may never be filled again.  I just may have to walk this earth like a wounded soldier, like I’ve lost a leg or an arm. As a challenged individual that may never be whole again. So I have to learn to deal with my injury to deal with my loss.  To understand that legs will never grow back again. I am coming to the realization that I may never have friends as loyal and loving as those I had. Those friends are gone. But I am fortunate I do have a few good friends left, although they are busy and cannot give me the time my others had. It’s comforting to know that they do exist, and that they care for me. I can still trust these people.

So as I sit here with a heavy heart, driving in the dark of early morning, searching for a hug or a warm handshake, I’ll have to continue to stop mourning my losses and try to continue to remember how valuable my life has been. And now I must learn to glow again like I did when my heart felt safe. So, at this Bible study I am going to, I will seek friendships, and that may just be God’s way of telling me to just be thankful for what I’ve had and stop trying to seek out replacements. Instead, I should try to be a friend to someone who’s never had beautiful times with special people that I have had. I should try not to seek friendships, but instead, be a good friend to someone else who’s never had the love and care I’ve been so lucky to have received.