Tag Archives: candid coaching services

Straight Talk With Danice

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

I have been married for a year.  My wife and I are having a serious disagreement about how we handle food and grocery shopping.  She prefers to shop at the big warehouse markets so she can save money.  The problem with this thinking is that she has to buy extra large sizes of everything and she serves the same meal for a week (there are only two of us).  I earn a substantial salary so it is not necessary for her to be a frugal shopper.  She said that this is the way her mom did it, and I said that my mom made a fresh meal every night.  If anything was left over from dinner it was used for lunches or snacking.  We were raised so differently.  This is such a problem for me that I have started eating fast food on my way home from work just so I can have some variety.  When I get home, I choke down a little of her four or five day old chicken and wilted salad.  When she sees me dump most of it in the trash she gets mad and says I’m wasting food and money.  I have had to buy new clothes, too, due to the amount of fast food I’m eating.  For all I care, we could eat out every single night and it would not put a dent in our budget.  I hate to fight because my wife is off work right now with a disability, but this is affecting my health.  Any suggestions?

-Pete

Dear Pete:

Differences in upbringing can have a serious impact on a new marriage.  I agree that you should not dread the way you nourish your body, nor should you have to sneak around eating fast food and growing out of your clothes.  If you and your wife cannot get on the same page, I suggest that you take a firm stand and have your own meals handled in a way that is comfortable and healthy for you.  I wonder if your wife has a desire to be frugal because she is not working right now.  Before you do anything drastic, have a heart to heart talk and express how badly you’re feeling about the dinner situation.  Admit your deception with the fast food and state that you will not allow yourself to continue down that path.  If your finances are in great shape, you should not have to live this way.  Food is a serious and often personal issue.  Take immediate steps to get things turned around.  One person’s needs and choices should not destroy the basic happiness and health of another.  Make it clear to your wife that you will not interfere with the way she chooses to eat, but at the same time you will be choosing what’s best for you where your meals are concerned.  Call my office if you and your wife need further assistance.

-Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Straight Talk With Danice

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

My best friend is perfect in every way, but for some reason she is always criticizing herself and her appearance.  Now I’m starting to feel self-conscious every time I’m around her.  She is much prettier than I am, so if she magnifies her own flaws, I wonder what she must think of me.  I’m starting to avoid her unless I’m looking my best.  What should I do?

-Farzi

Hi, Farzi:

Your friend might be suffering from insecurity or low self-esteem.  Just because she judges herself harshly does not mean that she has the same magnifying glass on you.  Don’t avoid your friend.  Share your feelings instead, and help her see her true value.

-Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Straight Talk With Danice

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

My husband is a mechanic who works for an auto dealership.  He is a very nice man who takes on side jobs at our home on his days off.  I know it gives him satisfaction to help his friends and relatives who can’t afford dealership prices, but my house is always overrun with people dropping off their cars.  I feel like I don’t have any privacy.  People come into the house to use the restroom, or if they are friends and family they think I want to make time to visit with them.  I don’t want to be rude, but I have a lot to do on the weekend to keep things good for our family.  I work full time, too. We have two kids and we only see my husband if we go out to the garage on the weekends. I feel guilty complaining, because my husband is trying to help people.  He often doesn’t charge for his labor, so this is not helping our family financially either.  I can’t ignore this anymore.

-Frustrated Wife

 

Dear Frustrated Wife:

Your husband sounds like a decent man, but he is confused about how a family unit should work in order to keep the happiness and satisfaction levels in good shape.  It sounds like you are in charge of the children all weekend, while he serves friends, neighbors and family members.  I think your frustration stems from feeling like you are in it alone, and your marriage is suffering.  He would probably feel the same if he were in your shoes.

Let’s look at a few things.  Is your husband avoiding you for any reason?  Have you clearly communicated your frustration to him about having no privacy or time with him on the weekends?  Have you been over functioning on your own for a long time and has he come to believe this is acceptable?  Sit down with your husband privately and set some boundaries.  Discuss how the weekend routine needs to be in order for you to both have a satisfying experience.  Do not wait until your resentment is so severe that you no longer desire his company.  Good Luck.

-Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

 

Straight Talk With Danice

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

I overheard my brother’s girlfriend trying to hook up with our cousin at a family party.  My brother and my cousin are best friends.  I told my cousin I heard what she said to him.  He told me not to worry about it because he was not attracted to her. I think we should tell my brother, but he said no, that it would just cause a bunch of problems.  I don’t want my brother to get hurt, but I don’t want him to fight with my cousin either.  Should I keep it to myself?

-P. L.

Dear P.L.:

If I were in your shoes, I would confront the ‘girlfriend’ and tell her that you’re aware of her shabby behavior.  Ask her to be honest with your brother if she is no longer interested in being in a relationship with him.  Make it clear that if you see or hear unbecoming conduct from her again, that you will share the details with your brother.  Try very hard to stay out of this sort of business.  It often doesn’t end well for the person in the messenger role.

-Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Straight Talk With Danice

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

 

Dr. Danice Akiyoshi, Naturopathic Doctor, Coaching, Counseling

Dr. Danice Akiyoshi

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

I am 51 years old.  I have recently lost an incredible amount of weight and everyone is commenting on how sunken in my face looks.  I lost weight hoping I would look and feel better and avoid people’s constant comments about my appearance.  It almost seems worse than before.  Can you recommend any face plumping products that might help me?

-S. Sanchez

 

Hi, S. Sanchez:

I recommend that you not be so tolerant of people who pick your appearance apart.  Seems rather rude, but you didn’t request advice about that issue so I will move on.  J

Regarding facial filling products, visit a plastic surgeon or a dermatologist for advice on this topic.

-Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her atstraighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Straight Talk With Danice

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

 

Dr. Danice Akiyoshi, Naturopathic Doctor, Coaching, Counseling

Dr. Danice Akiyoshi

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

When it comes to my group of friends, I am the smart one.  My friends get themselves into trouble and then they call me to help them figure it out.  I help them as much as I can, but sometimes I have problems of my own or I’m just plain tired so I don’t return their call or text right away.  Then the nasty messages start.  They are trying to make me feel guilty.  I don’t get this.  I was only trying to help in the first place.

-Amber.

 

Hi, Amber:

Here is the age old question, “What do we really “owe” our friends and family?”  In my opinion, just because you’re the smart one doesn’t mean that you owe anyone your thinking skills and problem solving talent.  It’s different in the work place. If you are hired to do a job, then they are renting your skills and intelligence by giving you a paycheck, so you realize you’d be wise to perform.  When it comes to your personal life, I’ll offer my opinion.  You owe every human being simple “decency.”  You only owe your personal time, skills, effort, care, etc. to your spouse (because the two of you have formed a team), your minor children, and any animals you have caused to become dependent on you.  Maybe your parents should be on this list, too, but only if they are decent human beings.  Aside from these people, any gift of your time, skills, intelligence and resources should be considered a PERSONAL FAVOR.  If people have a sense of entitlement with you, fix that situation.  Remember the words, “Personal Favor.”  Do not feel guilty for having boundaries.  Good Luck.

-Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her atstraighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

 

 

 

Straight Talk With Danice

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

 

Dr. Danice Akiyoshi, Naturopathic Doctor, Coaching, Counseling

Dr. Danice Akiyoshi

Dear Dr. Danice:

I have been going to therapy for months to combat depression.  I have chosen to keep this to myself.  When friends come to my apartment uninvited, I don’t answer the door.  I have also stopped returning phone calls.  Talking to people and answering their questions is too hard for me while I work on my problems.  I have only one friend who I feel good talking to.  She says I should just admit my depression so that everyone understands me, but I think even more people would bother me.

-Alfonso

 

Dear Alfonso:

You have the right to process your therapy and your emotions in your own way.  You do not owe anyone an explanation about why you are operating in a standoffish way at this time, but this just keeps people checking in on you.  If you have friends you truly love, maybe you would consider sending them an e-mail or text message. Let them know that you are working through some things and that you will not be in touch on a regular basis.  Ask them to respect your need for privacy at this time.  I think this is a polite social obligation given to people who care about you.  Doing it once should be enough.  I hope you will be feeling better soon.

-Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her atstraighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

 

Straight Talk With Danice

BY DANICE AKIYOSHI, N.D.

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

Dr. Danice Akiyoshi, Naturopathic Doctor, Coaching, Counseling

Dr. Danice Akiyoshi

In the past few years my weight has gone out of control. I need help! My husband makes it really hard for me to resist when he brings snacks to bed when we watch TV at night. He brings, pie, ice cream, popcorn, nuts, and even cocktails. I admit I have always loved this snack time, but I told him I am trying to lose weight. He sees me exercising and walking 4 days a week. He has a normal weight and eats everything. I feel like he is sabotaging me. I struggle to stay on my diet even when I’m cooking meals for my family. I do have some will power, but I need his cooperation so it’s not so hard. How can I get through to him?

-Kim from Azusa

Dear Kim:

I really feel for you. Excess weight is one of the hardest issues to deal with. In all of my years as a Naturopathic Doctor, I have found that getting a patient to change their eating habits is a very hard thing to do. Popular theory is the calories in/calories out concept. Obviously this is failing for many people. Different bodies gain weight for different reasons, and in different ways. I know a woman who ate 800 calories a day for two weeks, eating only rice cakes and peanut butter. Her scale didn’t budge. Her body couldn’t manage the carbohydrates would be my guess. I know people who eat three times the amount of food I eat on a continual basis and they don’t have an extra pound on their bodies, and it’s not because they’re involved in vigorous exercise. I am not fortunate in this way either, so I truly do understand your struggle.

However, it is a mistake to blame your husband for your situation or for your discomfort when he eats things in front of you that are not on your eating plan. He has the right to his own choices, even when they seem insensitive to you. You have a right to your choices as well. So let’s take a look at you taking a little personal responsibility for achieving your goal.   It seems to me that doing the family cooking is working against your health and weight goals, so perhaps your husband can take that over for you. You wouldn’t ask him to make the cocktails at a party if he were trying to cut back or quit drinking, right? You would be supportive and allow him to keep some distance until he became stable and accomplished what he set out to do.   As for the late night snacking in front of the TV, I think it would be a better idea if you spent your time doing something else until he is finished with his snack fest. Maybe read, or watch TV in a different room or step out for a bit. I’m sure you enjoy spending time with your husband, but for now, adjustments need to be made. It’s not a good idea to ignore this situation, as it won’t be long before you become resentful. Or perhaps he will, if he is forced to change his eating habits to suit your needs.

Sacrifice yourself, or save yourself. The choice is clear. People with certain personality types often make choices that don’t serve them well personally, and/or physically, in order to do what they think is best for the whole family. I hope you will try to balance this out as you work on your physical well being. Body weight issues are very complex, and can be addressed in a variety of ways. I wish you well in finding the path that feels right for you, and I hope you work out a plan to be true to yourself and your needs. Take care, Kim.

-Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

 

Straight Talk With Danice

BY DANICE AKIYOSHI, N.D.

Dr. Danice Akiyoshi, Naturopathic Doctor, Coaching, Counseling

Dr. Danice Akiyoshi

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

I quit smoking three months ago and it’s been super hard. I have gone from putting cigarettes in my mouth to putting food in my mouth instead. I have gained 12 pounds and my pants don’t fit anymore. I already feel bad and I know I need to do better. It was my birthday three days ago and my boyfriend had a treadmill delivered to my office as my birthday gift. I am self-employed and have plenty of room, but my face was burning with anger and shame when my boyfriend showed up during the delivery to ask me if I liked my gift. I never mentioned wanting exercise equipment in my home or office, but his message is clear. Feeling humiliated, I canceled my birthday dinner date with him and I am avoiding his calls. Why would he embarrass me at work when I’m already going through a tough time? I will never step a foot on that treadmill, I’m so upset. He should have discussed it with me, and the surprise delivery to my office ruined my birthday. He could tell I was quiet and said he was just trying to help me. What bull. I ignored him. Was he wrong in your opinion?

-Lisa E.

Dear Lisa:

First of all, I want to say congratulations on becoming a non-smoker. Quitting is a very big deal and quite difficult for many people. I agree, you didn’t need or deserve to be hurt on your birthday. What description fits your boyfriend the best? Is he completely dumb, insensitive, mean or passive-aggressive? I hope he’s just sort of dumb and he really was just trying to help you.   Please take inventory of all of his other behaviors. If he’s mostly a good guy, write this off to poor judgment on his part. If he’s a passive aggressive, insensitive, or mean person who is trying to tell you that you’re becoming unattractive as you tackle your addiction, then you are probably doing the right thing to avoid him. Only you have these answers. Be fair though, you might be a bit edgy right now. Take a proper inventory of your relationship. Good Luck.

-Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

 

 

Straight Talk With Danice

BY DANICE AKIYOSHI, N.D

Dr. Danice Akiyoshi, Naturopathic Doctor, Coaching, Counseling

Dr. Danice Akiyoshi

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

I recently attended a dinner meeting with a female business associate who told me that she and her husband are having serious marital problems and that she might file for divorce. I have been attracted to her for three years, but ignored my feelings because she’s married. If she files for divorce how long should I wait before I ask her out?

-Anthony

Dear Anthony:

Don’t pursue her in any serious way until she’s had enough time to repair her life emotionally. Give her your number and tell her that you’d be very interested in getting to know her better in the future, if she has any interest. Leave it at that. People often make lots of mistakes when they end a relationship. You don’t want to be any part of all of that if you really like this woman. If she’s interested, she’ll call.

-Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

 

 

 

Straight Talk With Danice

BY DANICE AKIYOSHI, N.D.

 

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

Dr. Danice Akiyoshi, Naturopathic Doctor, Coaching, Counseling

Dr. Danice Akiyoshi

My niece is having her wedding on a cruise ship. Over 20 people from our family are invited to join them on this cruise. My niece asked me if I would book the largest stateroom so I can babysit the youngest kids who aren’t old enough for the kids club. This way, everyone is free to drink and go to the casino late at night. I don’t drink or gamble very often, but that doesn’t mean I want the task of nightly babysitting. I want to have fun, too. Now I’m not looking forward to the trip at all. I would feel guilty if I cancelled. I already said I would go, and everyone just assumes I will babysit because I’m not as wild as they are. I feel like I’m not really a guest at all. What should I do?

-Auntie M.

Dear Auntie:

It’s time for a family meeting. Explain that you look forward to doing your part with the youngest members of the family in the evenings. Then present a schedule with the names of all the viable babysitters. Assign a night to each capable party or couple. They are free to switch and trade off if they like, but make it clear that you intend to enjoy yourself too, even if you don’t choose to drink and gamble. Do not feel guilty when you resist being taken advantage of. Have fun!

-Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

 

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

 

 

 

Straight Talk With Danice

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

 

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

Dr. Danice Akiyoshi, Naturopathic Doctor, Coaching, Counseling

Dr. Danice Akiyoshi

My husband was not invited to walk his daughter down the aisle at her wedding. She chose a close family friend instead. My husband and his ex-wife had a horrible relationship which made it impossible for him to have a decent relationship with his daughter. He is very down on himself and feeling depressed. I don’t know how to help him. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

-Ali V.

Dear Ali:

Maybe your husband’s ex-wife was able to influence his daughter when she was a child, but most women who are getting married are adults. Certainly he had access to his young adult daughter without the influence of her mother.   In my experience, no one can keep a good parent away from their child (especially an adult child). If the bride is not interested in a relationship with her father, he should do his best to find out why. Everyone is an adult now. Try for a fresh start when they return from their honeymoon. Do not add any additional stress to their lives before the wedding.

-Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

 

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Straight Talk With Danice

BY DANICE AKIYOSHI, N.D.

 

Dr. Danice Akiyoshi, Naturopathic Doctor, Coaching, Counseling

Dr. Danice Akiyoshi

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

My boyfriend is still friends with three of his ex-girlfriends. I think this is inappropriate when he is in a committed relationship with me. What do you think?

-Debbie A

 

Dear Debbie:

In my opinion your immaturity and insecurity are inappropriate for a committed relationship. Adults should be free to choose their own friends. You either like this guy or you don’t. If you need to control him, spare him the drama and move on. I think it’s a good thing when people have shared hard times and they can still manage to be friends. Stop shopping for problems. Join a drama class if you need an outlet.

-Danice Akiyoshi ND

 

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Straight Talk With Danice

By DANICE AKIYOSHI N.D.

 

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

Dr. Danice Akiyoshi, Naturopathic Doctor, Coaching, Counseling

Dr. Danice Akiyoshi

My best friend is in a relationship with a woman who seems to be controlling every move he makes. Even his opinions on worldly matters have drastically changed to match hers. He looks unhappy, but he never complains. I hate seeing him this way so I don’t socialize much with them anymore. I can tell my friend is hurt and puzzled when we see each other at business events. Should I be honest about my feelings?

-Jason

Dear Jason:

Yes, be honest. Tell him your concerns. Make sure he knows he can count on you in times of crisis, but that you’re not interested in casual socializing with them as a couple. Do not put her down in any way, this is unnecessary. Be clear that you would like to see him whenever he can break away. Do your best to keep in touch and try to show up for his major life events.

-Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

 

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

 

Straight Talk With Danice

BY DANICE AKIYOSHI, N.D.

 

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

Dr. Danice Akiyoshi, Naturopathic Doctor, Coaching, Counseling

Dr. Danice Akiyoshi

I know I am getting older (71), but I’m annoyed with the way my daughter-in-law has started criticizing every move I make. It’s getting to the point that I don’t even want to be around her anymore, and I used to love her company. Here are a few examples:

“Mom, do you notice that you don’t park as well as you used to? Your gravy isn’t as good as it used to be. You should stay out of the sun; those dark spots on your face are getting bigger. You already told me that; maybe you should see a doctor. Why do you need a new car? You hardly ever go anywhere. Have you considered changing your hair? Would you let me pick the new style? You’ve been wearing it this way for too long, it’s outdated. You spoil your dog. You over cook your vegetables. Your skin looks so dry, you need a different moisturizer.”

The list goes on and on. I love my daughter-in-law, but I need a break from her. I mentioned it to my son, but he says I should ignore her comments. I don’t think I can do that, and I feel self-conscious and rattled every time I’m around her. Getting old is hard enough. I don’t need a constant reminder. I am totally self sufficient, and I don’t need her assistance in any way. I need advice.

Mary in Diamond Bar

 

Dear Mary:

I am sorry you are going through this. My response to anyone who takes steps to ruin my experience would be this:

“I’ve made peace with the fact that I am on the second half of my life. I don’t casually throw my days away like I did when I was twenty or thirty. I’ve decided not to spend my time feeling negative emotions. I’ve also decided I won’t share my time with people who diminish me in any way. At this stage of my life, I’m interested in interacting with people who enhance my days. I think it’s time for us to discontinue our visits. However, I do wish you well.”

If your daughter in law wishes to spend time with you, she will adjust her behavior. If she offers a sincere apology, accept it. As a courtesy, you might want to let your son know of your plans.

Good Luck,

Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

 

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.