By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dr. Danice Akiyoshi

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

My roommate belongs to a church that reminds me of a gang.  They try to get him to teach classes, conduct religious meeting in people’s homes, knock on doors, and make and take phone calls regarding others joining the church. He’s politely told them that he doesn’t have that kind of time to dedicate to those tasks.  If he refuses, they show up at our apartment and try to intimidate him, saying since he’s behind on his tithing he has an obligation to do all of these other things.  I have watched him give in three times.  He is one of the nicest people I’ve ever met, so last week I called them goons to their faces and told them to get out of our house and to never knock on our door again.  This is my house, too, and I shouldn’t have to tolerate bullies pushing their way in.  Now he is depressed, fearing that his family will hear about it and be upset.  They belong to this church, too. He’s even asked me to call these bullies and apologize for being rude.  I won’t do it.  My roommate is a really nice guy, but I wonder if it’s time for me to move.

-Jack S.

Hi Jack:

Your roommate is nice.  In my opinion, he is TOO NICE.  He should not allow his personal choices to bleed over and into his roommate’s home life.  Make it clear that bullies are not welcomed by you in any capacity.  If the two of you are unable to come to an agreement on this, and get on the same page, give him 30 days notice and move out.  It sounds like the poor guy has no personal power and is unable to stand up for himself.  That’s a shame.  Keep in mind that getting out of this trap is an inside job for him.  He has to make the tough decisions and do it for himself.  Religion is a huge subject.  I don’t think you stand much of a chance of correcting this problem if he’s already asking you to call and apologize.  Wish him luck and ask him if he thinks he can get a new roommate in 30 days.  If he feels he can’t, kindly give him 60 days, but be firm and move on.  Take care, and good luck.

-Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dr. Danice Akiyoshi

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

I am a Vietnam Veteran.  I have been having severe anger episodes for the past two years.  Without going into details, I’ll admit that I have been dangerous on three occasions in the last year.  My wife said she would leave me if I didn’t call the V.A. Hospital and get some help.  The guy I spoke to upset me so badly that I cussed him out and hung up on him.  He called me right back and tried to calm me down, but he really just wants to increase the dosage of my anti-depressants and give me even more pills.  When I am angry like this, I’m beside myself.  More pills are not the answer for me.  What’s happening in our world causes me to feel that my sacrifices were all for nothing.  Just going to the Veteran’s Hospital infuriates me.  My brother in law has the same feelings.  Do you deal with problems like mine?  I need to get my head on straight. I want to smile again.

-James P.

Dear James:

I’m sorry you are struggling so badly.  Many veterans have shared similar feelings with me.   Anger, hopelessness and helplessness are strong emotions that can easily upset the balance of your life if they last too long.  In your situation, I would use an Emotional Release technique that is designed to neutralize trapped and unprocessed emotions in the subconscious mind.  I’ve witnessed amazing results with people in your situation.  If you are open minded and interested in trying a new approach, I believe you can experience great relief with Emotional Release work.  Please address your situation.  If the Veteran’s Hospital is an upsetting place for you, be honest with them about that, because it is very important to have a qualified doctor monitoring your medication.  You must always keep this in mind whether or not you’re trying new therapies.  Let me know if I can offer further guidance.

-Warmest Regards, Danice Akiyoshi,N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dr. Danice Akiyoshi

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

My husband has recently started taking a new medication.  It has drastically changed his personality.  It helps his medical problems, but it takes away his interest in spending personal or intimate time with me.  Our marriage is suffering.  I can tell he is uncomfortable when I mention the subject. We are too young to be in this situation (late 40s).  Help!

-S.W.

Dear S.W.:

If he is taking blood pressure or diabetes medicine, this is a common side effect and can often be remedied by simply changing the prescription.  Some acid reflux medications are also hard on a man in this way, as are anti-depressants.  Please encourage him to discuss it with his doctor right away.  Quite often, it’s as easy as trying a new medication.  If it turns out that there are emotional issues at hand, consider counseling so you can get to the bottom of it before it becomes a bigger problem.  It’s in your best interest to start the conversation.  Don’t delay. Allowing resentment to settle into your marriage is a mistake.  I wish you a smooth outcome. Let me know if you need any further guidance.

-Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Dr. Danice Akiyoshi

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

I recently betrayed my dear friend.  I spoke ill of her to some of our other mutual friends and I am mad at myself.  I was frustrated and suffering a weak moment when we were all out having drinks at Happy Hour.  I believe one of the women who heard me is bound to tell my friend about my remarks.  I am a terrible liar, and I feel so guilty.  I don’t think I can deny it if she finds out.  What should I do?  I am losing sleep.

-Avis P.

Dear Avis:

The fact that you feel so badly about making a disparaging remark about your friend tells me a lot about your character.  If I’m right about that, I think your dear friend is pretty familiar with your decent character, too. Please meet with her right away, hopefully before she hears it from one of the others.  Explain that you were frustrated and having that weak moment and that you just feel horrible about the unbecoming comments you made.  Ask her to forgive your poor judgment.  Look her right in the eye and promise that it will never happen again as you apologize.  Make sure you keep that agreement.  Good Luck.

-Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dr. Danice Akiyoshi

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

I am a helpful, nice person, but I’m tired of my husband volunteering my time for everything.  If our neighbor puts her back out, he volunteers me to make dinner for them for three days.  If someone in the carpool can’t make it, he volunteers me to take their place.  If someone is having a refrigerator delivered, he says I would be more than happy to wait at their home for the delivery man. If his family needs anything, then he volunteers me.  He feels free to do this because I have my own little business. I do medical billing and I work from my computer at home.  He thinks I can just pack up my work and cart it around anywhere.  Because of these constant interruptions, I am often up until midnight trying to finish my work.  He doesn’t know this because he’s in bed at 9:30.  I don’t mind helping people, but I’d like to do it on my own schedule, not his.  How should I approach this?

-Pamela F.

Dear Pamela:

It sounds to me like your husband doesn’t take your work very seriously.  I don’t know enough of the story, but I wonder if he under values the financial contribution you bring to the household.  Or perhaps he struggles with his own self esteem and wants to be a people pleaser.  Unfortunately, this is at your expense, not his.  To get to the bottom of it, why don’t you ask him if he’s fine with you putting your business on hold, as well as the money it brings into the household (slight sarcasm)? Explain that then you will be free to do all of these errands he keeps setting up for you.  If he says the family needs the money, this gives you an opening to ask him to respect your business as if it were actually important to the family.  If you’d like a more direct approach – which I always like best – advise him that he is no longer free to offer your time or services without your permission.  It really is just a matter of respect.  Let me know if you need additional assistance with boosting up your personal power.

-Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dr. Danice Akiyoshi

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

New neighbors just moved in across the street two weeks ago.  I was doing yard work as I watched the man working hard unloading boxes into his garage.  When I went inside to make sandwiches for my kids, I decided to make him one too.  He was very grateful for the plate of food when I walked across the street and introduced myself.  I told him my husband’s name and the names of our two sons and even our dog’s name.  He told me his wife’s name.  Being neighborly, I told him if they needed anything to let us know.  The guy was very nice and appreciative.  A few days later, I happened to see both he and his wife working in the garage.  I walked over and introduced myself to her this time.  She sneered at me and gave me a terrible look as if I were her personal enemy.  He looked very uncomfortable and apologetic, but he never said a word.  I quickly excused myself and went home.  I am afraid to even look in their direction now.  Did I make a mistake by taking a sandwich to the man?   I am very confused.

-Debbie A.

Dear Debbie:

I just hate to hear about a person who feels wrong, confused or diminished for being kind hearted, and in your case, generous.  I think you are witnessing a huge disparity in the way the power is distributed in the household across the street.  The man is obviously bullied by his wife, and of course that is none of your business.  It’s a shame that you will not be able to develop a friendly relationship, but accept it for what it is.  You can’t save people from themselves.  If he chooses to live this way, steer clear.  If he waves, wave back, but keep a safe distance.  If his wife is so insecure that she openly sneered at you, she’s way too much drama.  Nice people like you don’t need this sort of negativity.  Sorry this didn’t work out, but please don’t change.  You seem like a wonderful person.

Warmest Regards,

Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Dr. Danice Akiyoshi

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

Both of my parents passed away two years ago.  My sister was very dependent on both of them.  Now that they’re gone, she looks to me to entertain her at every holiday and birthday, as if she were still a child, and bail her out financially when she makes stupid mistakes.  She never pitches in for anything that doesn’t directly affect her.  She makes comments like “mom and dad would want you to take care of me.  I’m the baby of the family and you make more money than me,” (she is 47).  Neither of us is married, but I don’t want her to think that she can lean on me for the rest of her life.

-Fed Up in Walnut

Dear Fed Up:

Your sister has a sense of entitlement.  Make it clear that you have no interest in acting out the role of her parent or spouse.  I’m guessing that your parents did her a major disservice by allowing her to arrive into middle age with this degree of emotional immaturity.  Make it clear that your role is that of a sibling and not a caretaker.   Be honest about the fact that you no longer even see her as enjoyable company because of the way she takes you for granted.  If you have feelings of guilt, or have trouble standing up to her manipulation tactics, I would be happy to assist you.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dr. Danice Akiyoshi

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

I have a friend who is very controlling. Every time we get together, we have to eat where she wants to eat, and see the movie that she wants to see. If I say we did it her way the last few times and make a suggestion, she gives me the silent treatment. Every time this happens, I tell myself to never go out with her again, but when she calls I cave in and do what she wants. I really do like her company most of the time. I’m weak, I know. I need help! Thanks in advance.

-Lynn

Dear Lynn:

You are obviously easy going, and that’s a good trait, but in this case it’s causing you to feel taken for granted. It would be a good idea to set up a fair system with your friend. Continuous feelings of being taken for granted will eventually diminish your self esteem. I think expanding your friendship base would also be a good idea.

-Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dr. Danice Akiyoshi

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

I am very attracted in my friend’s ex-girlfriend.  They broke up over a month ago, and I can tell she’s looking at me in a new way, too.  We all go to the same gym.  I don’t want to hurt my friend, but I want to ask her out.   How should I approach this?

-J.S.

Dear J. S.:

This is a tricky situation.  I’ve seen it go well, and I’ve seen it go horribly wrong.  I have a few questions for you to consider.  Are both parties completely over each other?  Are they mature?  Will anyone suffer humiliation? Do you have mutual friends, therefore making the situation awkward?  Do you want to take the risk of losing your friend over a new person to date?  Has enough time really gone by?  Please look ahead a few months into the future and decide if you can live with the possible consequences that may occur if you date your friend’s ex-girlfriend.  My personal opinion is to wait six months.  If you still feel the attraction, then approach your friend and see what his views are, and make your decision at that time.  Don’t rush on this if you value these relationships.  Thanks for writing.

-Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dr. Danice Akiyoshi

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

I am in my early 20s.  I have worked as a secretary for my uncle’s company since I graduated high school.  I have finally saved enough money for the down payment to buy a new car.  When I was applying for the financing, I discovered that my uncle used my social security number and credit to buy himself a car.  When I confronted him, he admitted that he didn’t have enough available credit to buy his car.  He said I would have no problem getting financing because he would co sign for me.  He also asked me not to tell my dad (his brother) about what he did.  Now I don’t trust my uncle, but I don’t want to lose my job.  Please help me know what to do.

-Theresa

Dear Theresa:

I’m just going to come right out and say it.  Your uncle is a criminal and a rotten relative.  What he did is illegal and you could easily press charges against him.  He has no right to “borrow” your social security number, along with your financial identity to buy himself a car.  At your young age, I’m doubtful that you have the developmental skills to know how to deal with a person like this.  He has no regard for your well-being and you should definitely tell your dad what has happened.  I think you’re going to need someone with experience to help you correct this situation.  Start looking for a new job immediately.  Do not rest until his fraudulent charges are cleared from your credit.  This is so important for your future.  Good Luck.

-Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

I have been married for a year.  My wife and I are having a serious disagreement about how we handle food and grocery shopping.  She prefers to shop at the big warehouse markets so she can save money.  The problem with this thinking is that she has to buy extra large sizes of everything and she serves the same meal for a week (there are only two of us).  I earn a substantial salary so it is not necessary for her to be a frugal shopper.  She said that this is the way her mom did it, and I said that my mom made a fresh meal every night.  If anything was left over from dinner it was used for lunches or snacking.  We were raised so differently.  This is such a problem for me that I have started eating fast food on my way home from work just so I can have some variety.  When I get home, I choke down a little of her four or five day old chicken and wilted salad.  When she sees me dump most of it in the trash she gets mad and says I’m wasting food and money.  I have had to buy new clothes, too, due to the amount of fast food I’m eating.  For all I care, we could eat out every single night and it would not put a dent in our budget.  I hate to fight because my wife is off work right now with a disability, but this is affecting my health.  Any suggestions?

-Pete

Dear Pete:

Differences in upbringing can have a serious impact on a new marriage.  I agree that you should not dread the way you nourish your body, nor should you have to sneak around eating fast food and growing out of your clothes.  If you and your wife cannot get on the same page, I suggest that you take a firm stand and have your own meals handled in a way that is comfortable and healthy for you.  I wonder if your wife has a desire to be frugal because she is not working right now.  Before you do anything drastic, have a heart to heart talk and express how badly you’re feeling about the dinner situation.  Admit your deception with the fast food and state that you will not allow yourself to continue down that path.  If your finances are in great shape, you should not have to live this way.  Food is a serious and often personal issue.  Take immediate steps to get things turned around.  One person’s needs and choices should not destroy the basic happiness and health of another.  Make it clear to your wife that you will not interfere with the way she chooses to eat, but at the same time you will be choosing what’s best for you where your meals are concerned.  Call my office if you and your wife need further assistance.

-Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

My best friend is perfect in every way, but for some reason she is always criticizing herself and her appearance.  Now I’m starting to feel self-conscious every time I’m around her.  She is much prettier than I am, so if she magnifies her own flaws, I wonder what she must think of me.  I’m starting to avoid her unless I’m looking my best.  What should I do?

-Farzi

Hi, Farzi:

Your friend might be suffering from insecurity or low self-esteem.  Just because she judges herself harshly does not mean that she has the same magnifying glass on you.  Don’t avoid your friend.  Share your feelings instead, and help her see her true value.

-Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

My husband is a mechanic who works for an auto dealership.  He is a very nice man who takes on side jobs at our home on his days off.  I know it gives him satisfaction to help his friends and relatives who can’t afford dealership prices, but my house is always overrun with people dropping off their cars.  I feel like I don’t have any privacy.  People come into the house to use the restroom, or if they are friends and family they think I want to make time to visit with them.  I don’t want to be rude, but I have a lot to do on the weekend to keep things good for our family.  I work full time, too. We have two kids and we only see my husband if we go out to the garage on the weekends. I feel guilty complaining, because my husband is trying to help people.  He often doesn’t charge for his labor, so this is not helping our family financially either.  I can’t ignore this anymore.

-Frustrated Wife

Dear Frustrated Wife:

Your husband sounds like a decent man, but he is confused about how a family unit should work in order to keep the happiness and satisfaction levels in good shape.  It sounds like you are in charge of the children all weekend, while he serves friends, neighbors and family members.  I think your frustration stems from feeling like you are in it alone, and your marriage is suffering.  He would probably feel the same if he were in your shoes.

Let’s look at a few things.  Is your husband avoiding you for any reason?  Have you clearly communicated your frustration to him about having no privacy or time with him on the weekends?  Have you been over functioning on your own for a long time and has he come to believe this is acceptable?  Sit down with your husband privately and set some boundaries.  Discuss how the weekend routine needs to be in order for you to both have a satisfying experience.  Do not wait until your resentment is so severe that you no longer desire his company.  Good Luck.

-Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.