I Can Never Go Home Again

By Michael Armijo

I’ve always played the lotto with one intention: TO WIN! And when I thought about what I’d do with the money, I’ve always wanted to give my family careers, buy them all homes within the same block, and re-live all those days of sunshine that used to nurture my soul. It was a time and place I called HOME. But now that’s no longer an option.

I no longer feel that way anymore, mainly because I’ve realized why I’ve always wanted to do all of this. I one day realized what was truly motivating my yearning to help my family.

When I was in my 20’s our family would always get together. I think it was because my dad, the glue in the family tree, promoted that when you’re a family, that’s what we were supposed to do. We had to be friends, take care of one another, and love each other. There were no exceptions. But one day this entire philosophy died. Because my dad died.

Following those dark days after our loss, we soon fell apart as friends, and then as a family. We no longer speak, we no longer hang out, we no longer care for one another.  We never see one another. And when we do, we act like we care, but it’s obvious that we really don’t. We only call when we need or want something. We don’t even know where each other’s homes are anymore. My best friend of seven years told me last year: “I didn’t know you had a brother.” Subconsciously we’re allowing one another miss years of our lives.

In retrospect, I miss those days of love and friendship. I think that sometimes we did or said hurtful things to each other because we knew we were family. We always thought we’d be okay because we were supposed to love family to the end. We said or did whatever we wanted because we were supposed to love one another through thick and thin. Our poor judgment was always forgiven. All was forgotten. But now that’s not the circumstance anymore. We somehow came to the conclusion that we were no longer family. We somehow felt that we were no longer accountable for each other. We could no longer forgive, I guess there were just too many bad things that happened and those incidents somehow erased our blood line.

After all of these life changing incidents, I now believe that there are some places you can never visit again. It’s like being an aging rock star, or a former athlete. You have to somehow come to the realization that it’s over. Times have changed. Regardless of what you do, regardless of how you act or how much money you have, you can never go back to those days of glory. You can never re-live that time in your life, those emotions, or that love. It’s like the sun: you can gaze at it, remember its warmth, enjoy its rays of light, but you can never visit. You can never touch the sun, you can never go back in time, and I can never go home again.