Category Archives: Weekly News Columns

Teacher Appreciation Dinner

Pastor Mark Hopper

Pastor Mark Hopper

By Pastor Mark Hopper

 

I have shared before about a special dinner that we do at our church each year. We call it our “Teacher Appreciation Dinner”.

When our children were young, my wife and I would invite their school teachers to come to our home for dinner.  This was one way we could get to know each teacher better and to express our thanks to them for helping our children learn.

After we moved to California, we got the idea to expand our effort by encouraging all of the children in our church to invite their teachers to come for dinner.  We have been doing this annually for over 20 years.

Each child is encouraged to invite their teacher to come to the dinner.  Parents are also invited to come.  This way the teacher, the student, and the parents are able to enjoy a nice dinner together.  Public school, private school and home school teachers are all welcome. We also extend an invitation to school principals and local superintendents.

We realize that this is an extracurricular activity for all of these educators and some are unable to attend.  But, we have found that parents, teachers, and students always love this event.

At the dinner, students give their teacher a small gift.  In addition, we usually have a game for students, parents, and teachers to play together.  Speed Scrabble and Paper Bag Charades have been popular in the past.  I don’t know what is planned for this year.

We believe that teachers and parents are partners in the education of our children.  Together they help children to learn and discover the wonders of our universe, the order of mathematics, and the depths of literature.

In the Old Testament, parents are commanded to teach their children well.  In Deuteronomy 6:7, it reads, “…teach your children when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.”

In addition, children are instructed to listen to their teachers and learn from their wisdom and knowledge.  Jesus said, “A student is not above his teacher, but everyone who is fully trained will be like his teacher” (Luke 6:40).

As the school year comes to a close, I hope you will make a special effort to express your thanks to your children’s school teachers.  Teachers deserve our support and appreciation!

If you would like to know more about our annual Teacher Appreciation Dinner on Tuesday, May 17th at 5 p.m., please feel welcome to contact our church office at (909) 594-7604.

Pastor Mark Hopper is from the Evangelical Free Church of Diamond Bar, 3255 South Diamond Bar Blvd.  Sunday services are 9 a.m. and 10:45 a.m.  For more information, call (909) 594-7604 or visit Efreedb.org.

Straight Talk with Danice

Danice Akiyoshi

Danice Akiyoshi

Dear Danice Akiyoshi,

My favorite Aunt is having an all-expenses paid destination wedding this summer that will be quite luxurious.  I am looking forward to this event.  I know I should take my boyfriend as my guest, but my dearest friend’s family lives on this island. She hasn’t had the extra money to visit her parents in six years and I know this would be a dream come true for her.  My boyfriend doesn’t dance and never really enjoys himself when he accompanies me to weddings. He also tries to rush through the festivities and this annoys me. When I told him that I was considering taking my friend, he said that even though he hates weddings, he was looking forward to surfing and sightseeing and that would be disappointed to miss this trip.  He seems to be taking it for granted that I will take him, but I’m not sure this is the right choice for me.  Please help me decide.

Antonia G.

 

Hi Antonia,

You give clues that show your dissatisfaction with your boyfriend when you mention things like the way he rushes you through previous wedding festivities and refuses to dance with you at these events. You also state that he takes things for granted.  I have a strong feeling that you’d prefer to take your dear friend instead of your boyfriend.  If the only commentary your boyfriend has is that he wants to see the sights and do some surfing, then he seems to be self-serving and is missing the point of the whole event, “the wedding”. Perhaps you’d like to let him know that you would be happy to join him if he’d like to plan a vacation that includes surfing and sightseeing activities.  Remind him again that the main focus is actually your Aunt’s wedding and invite the person who would be the best companion to enhance the entire experience.

Have a wonderful time.

Danice Akiyoshi ND

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Calling For Responsible Pet Owners

Licensed Marriage Family Therapist

Nancy Stoops M.A., M.F.T Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

By Nancy Stoops

It is on behalf of dogs everywhere that I write this article.  Being the proud owner of Midnight, the black lab/black shepherd mix shown with me in my photograph is truly a joy and honor.  Midnight is almost eight years old and very healthy.  Midnight and I take lots of long walks in our neighborhood and he has many buddies along the way.  Some of his buddies are very well cared for and live safe lives.  Some of his buddies aren’t so lucky and are let out to walk themselves.

I can’t believe how many wonderful dogs I have seen without tags and let out to walk themselves.  I can’t believe how many dogs end up hit by cars and die because they are illegally let out by themselves.  Legally, dogs are supposed to be licensed, vaccinated, and leashed when they are out off their property.  They should be walked by humans that can help guide them on what is safe and what is not when they are out of their house or yard.

A dog is a huge responsibility and an enormous joy.  Caring for a dog properly involves feeding them healthy food, bathing them, taking them to the vet, talking them on walks, licensing them, cleaning up after them, and always providing clean drinking water. This is in addition to sheltering them and giving them lots of love, affection and attention.  It’s not okay to have a dog or any animal that is neglected.  There have been many new laws passed to help protect animals and people lose their animals everyday because of neglect.  So I ask you to think about all of this before you get an animal.  I beg you to stop allowing your dogs to walk themselves.  I ask you to understand how helpless they are and how much they count on us to care properly for them.  Please take the time to be a responsible and loving pet owner!

This article was written by Nancy Stoops M.A., M.F.T.  Nancy is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.  She has a private practice in Diamond Bar and is currently accepting new clients; she is also a motivational speaker who can inspire your employees or group members.  Nancy runs free family support groups, a group on loss for seniors, and groups on how to manage anger.    For more information about any of these services feel free to contact her at (909) 229-0727.  You may e-mail Nancy at nancyjstoops@verizon.net. 

An Early Harvest

Pastor Mark Hopper

Pastor Mark Hopper

By Mark Hopper

 

Thank you for all of your prayers and support for our little garden.  Every time the grandkids come to visit, they run to the back yard to see what has been happening.

Their enthusiasm is contagious.  They are so excited to see tomatoes growing and strawberries multiplying.  They are amazed at how big some of the plants are getting.

Recently, they pulled a few carrots out of the ground.  Wow!  They looked like real carrots. This may not seem like a big deal to you, but for these young children, it is amazing!

In the past, my feeble efforts have produced a few squash and some tomatoes, but I have not had a lot of luck growing carrots.  I don’t know if my soil is too hard or if I did not water often enough.

But this year, there are real carrots – just like the ones you see in the store.  And, we grew them and harvested them ourselves!

My eight-year-old granddaughter seemed to understand how amazing it is that those little tiny seeds that we planted a few months ago have grown into these big plants and tasty carrots!

We have planted some more carrot seeds and some onion seeds, too.  We also planted some snow pea seeds in the garden.  We are already seeing some new little seedlings emerging from the soil.

However, there is a dark side to this story.  Someone or something is eating our strawberries.  On more than one occasion, I have seen a large ripe strawberry happy and healthy in the evening, but gone the next morning.  Someone is eating our berries!

In addition, I know that we will face more challenges in the weeks to come as the tomato worms and other adversaries discover our little garden.  I know that the birds and the bugs need food too, but why do they have to dine at my house?

The writers of the Bible often used examples from farming and gardening to help their readers learn.  In one passage the author says, “One plants and another waters, but God makes things grow” (I Corinthians 3:6-8).

My grandkids and I are planting the seeds and watering the soil, and we are amazed at how much God has made things grow!

Straight Talk with Danice

Danice Akiyoshi

Danice Akiyoshi

“My neck and shoulder have been hurting me”

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dear Dr. Danice,

My neck and shoulder have been bothering me for a long time.  When I get chiropractic adjustments it only feels better for three of four days.  My friend told me that I should have an MRI because her aunt had shoulder pain for a long time and it turned out to be lung cancer.  I have never heard of this before.  Is it true?  I am only thirty one.

Dawn

 

Dear Dawn,

First I would like to help you understand that there is more involved in maintaining a healthy structure.  I believe there is immense value in chiropractic care but you’ve only been getting mild results. If it were me, I would alternate my adjustments with deep tissue therapeutic massage to see if that improves your outcome.   Addressing both your spine and muscles just might give you the relief you seek.  If this yields no better results after one month of weekly sessions with both therapies, then I would move on to your medical doctor to take a look at your issue.  Hope you start feeling better soon.

Danice Akiyoshi ND

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

 

Being Present

Licensed Marriage Family Therapist

Nancy Stoops M.A., M.F.T Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

By Nancy Stoops

It’s a very exciting time to be alive.  I love the fact that so very many of us are going back to yoga and meditation and looking within for our own answers.  There seems to be this search for peacefulness and contentment.  There is whole new section in the bookstores devoted to self-help.  Many of these books teach mediation and act as guides for teaching the whole concept of being mindful or present.

Let me start by explaining the whole concept.  If we think about somebody truly being present, they are what we refer to as “being in the moment”.  This means there is nothing else going on in your mind and you are totally focused on what you are doing and saying.  You’re not thinking about what you need to do next or where you need to be, you are just existing in that moment.  Think about the last time you were able to do this or if you really ever have. Meditation helps us clear our minds totally and helps us be mindful.  If we can learn to keep our minds uncluttered, we will become much more effective human beings.  We will feel every aspect of our lives and begin to appreciate even the simplest things.

If you could find something that would improve the quality of your life and didn’t cost you a dime, wouldn’t you be foolish at least not to try it?  I recently attended a conference on mindfulness and was told how much research is being around the subject of meditation. It is being used to help people deal with pain, lower one’s blood pressure, help with prevention for heart attacks and many other stress related illnesses, give hope and strength to the terminally ill, and many other ways as well.

This article was written by Nancy Stoops M.A., M.F.T.  Nancy is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.  She has a private practice in Diamond Bar and is currently accepting new clients; she is also a motivational speaker who can inspire your employees or group members.  Nancy runs free family support groups, a group on loss for seniors, and groups on how to manage anger.    For more information about any of these services feel free to page her at (909)229-0727.  You may e-mail Nancy at nancyjstoops@verizon.net.  You may purchase Nancy’s books Live Heal and Grow and Midnight the Therapy Dog at Amazon.com.

May I Have Your Attention Please?

Pastor Mark Hopper

Pastor Mark Hopper

By Pastor Mark Hopper

We have all been watching and waiting for El Niño.  The weather man has been predicting heavy rain all winter, but we have not seen much in Southern California.

Our drought has been the topic of conversation for months.  The Governor of California and our state legislature has mandated 25% reduction in water consumption.

Everyone is looking for ways to conserve water.  We see signs posted in the medians of our roads and grass has been replaced by wood chips.   Even my local gym is asking members to reduce water usage.  I guess that means less exercise and fewer showers!

I was reading a passage in the Bible recently that specifically mentioned a drought.  The Prophet Jeremiah told the people of Israel 2500 years ago that God had withheld rain because they had turned away from following Him. (Jeremiah 14:1-10)

Jeremiah said that water wells were empty, farmers were dismayed, the soil was cracked and the wild animals could not find water for their young.  It was a grim scene in a land that was dependent on rain to survive.

At another time, an Old Testament Prophet named Elijah predicted that it would not rain in Israel for three years.  It got the attention of the people.  Even the King’s servants had trouble finding water (I Kings 17 & 18).

Why does a drought get our attention? I suppose it reminds us how dependent we are on the weather.  We are just as dependent on rain and snow today as people were in ancient times.

A drought also reminds us that this planet we live on is fragile and delicate.  It has a remarkable system where rain falls from the sky, drains back to the oceans and is recycled back into rain and snow again.  Rain enables crops to grow, fruit to flourish, and provides water for us to use and drink.

The Apostle Paul said, “God has shown His kindness by giving us rain from heaven and crops in their seasons; He provides us with plenty of food and fills our hearts with joy”(Acts 14:17).  In Acts 17:27, Paul said, “He did this so that men would seek Him and find Him.”

In spite of all of our scientific knowledge and technological advances, we are still dependent on rain, snow and water.  Without these basic things that God provides, life as we know it would cease to exist.

I wonder if God is trying to get our attention.  I wonder if we are so busy and distracted that we have failed to acknowledge the existence of God and our need of Him.  I wonder if He is saying, “May I have your attention please?”

Pastor Mark Hopper is from the Evangelical Free Church of Diamond Bar, 3255 South Diamond Bar Blvd.  Sunday services are 9 a.m. and 10:45 a.m.  For more information, call (909) 594-7604 or visit Efreedb.org.

 

Straight Talk with Danice

Danice Akiyoshi

Danice Akiyoshi

“My new guy is a drinker”

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

 

Dear Dr. Danice,

I’m going out with a new guy that I met at my spinning class.  He always takes me out for smoothies after class and seems like he is very health conscious.  He drinks lots of water during our work out and eats fruit and protein bars as snacks.  Last weekend we went to the beach.  When he went into a sandwich shop to get food for our picnic lunch, I took a drink of what I thought was iced tea in his travel tumbler cup.  I was surprised to taste alcohol and he was driving us around while he was drinking.  I really like him so I decided not to say anything, but this bothers me.  My health is my top priority and he knows that I only drink on special occasions.  Should I wait and try his drinks a few more times to see if this is a habit?  Did I mention that I really like him?  I’m so disappointed.  Help…

Linda

 

Dear Linda,

Intelligent, healthy people are generally opposed to drinking and driving.  I’m having great trouble making sense of your date’s behavior.  On one hand he displays healthy behavior; on the other hand, he is secretly putting you both in danger by drinking and driving.  It’s my experience when people take steps to hide what they are doing, that’s a red flag and cause for concern.  If he was openly taking you to lunch in a restaurant and ordering a cocktail, I would be fine with it.  If he took you on a picnic and openly had a cocktail I would not raise an eyebrow, but hiding the fact that he is drinking is unimpressive and causes me to wonder what his consumption is really like.  Causal drinkers don’t feel the need to hide the fact that they have a drink on occasion.  If you really like him then address it, but don’t be surprised to find out that this is a much bigger problem than you’re prepared to handle.  If he admits he has a problem and is willing to seek help, consider sticking around awhile and perhaps show support for his progress, but don’t count on this happening.  He knows he has a problem, that’s why he’s hiding it.  Ultimately, he has to be ready to do this for himself.  Please be wise in your choices.  This is a big issue for a new relationship.

Danice Akiyoshi ND

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Feel Very Proud

Licensed Marriage Family Therapist

Nancy Stoops M.A., M.F.T Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

By Nancy Stoops

I have one child named Bryan.  Bryan, or should I say Dr. Stoops, will be 38 years old in July.  This past week, Bryan became an Assistant Principal at the high school he was working at.  He had been at another high school where no matter how great his work and qualifications were his boss just never gave him the promotion he was so very deserving of.  For at least five years he would get his hopes up and then he would be let down.  As his mother, it was heartbreaking to see him go through this.  He finally moved to another school where he was a Dean for barely a year and now they have promoted him to an Assistant Principal.

I am very proud of how hard he has worked on getting a Doctorate Degree and an Administrative Credential.  I am equally proud of his tenacity and how he never gave up on his dreams.  As defeated as he was made to feel, he never quit.  Most parents love their children and I love mine, but I also like who he is.  I have so much respect for this incredible man and his amazing spirit.  I feel better about this world knowing Bryan is in it.  I love seeing how confident he has become.  He has accomplished all of this while raising two children and running his Martial Arts school.

So this week I celebrate Bryan and tenacity.  Very rarely do I use this column to brag but this week I need to shout it out to the world how very proud I am to be this man’s mother.  I also want to remind all of you parents to have faith in your children and to continue to support them however you can.  So my hats off to Bryan and all of you that keep having the tenacity to make your dreams come true!

This article was written by Nancy Stoops M.A., M.F.T.  Nancy is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.  Nancy is now accepting new clients.  She also works as a motivational speaker.  Nancy runs free family support groups, a group on loss for seniors, and groups for teens and can handle many court mandated needs.  For more information about any of these services contact Nancy at (909) 229-0727.  You may e-mail Nancy at nancyjstoops@verizon.net. You may purchase Nancy’s books Live Heal and Grow and Midnight the Therapy Dog at Amazon.com.

Feed The Kids First

Pastor Mark Hopper

Pastor Mark Hopper

By Pastor Mark Hopper

Several years ago, we had our whole family together during the Christmas holidays.  My wife and I have four adult kids, three son-in-laws and seven grandkids.  That is a lot of people!

To save money, we decided to eat most of our meals at home.  Each family was assigned to prepare a dinner for the whole group.  This included purchasing the food, preparing the meal, and cleaning up afterward.

It sounded like a good idea and each family member accepted their assignment enthusiastically.  As they planned their meal, they tried to select different foods that would also be kid friendly.  Pizza, tacos and spaghetti were at the top of the list.

The shopping went well and the food preparation too.  But, when it came to serving dinner, things were not as easy.  We learned quickly that is was difficult for the adults to eat dinner and feed the children at the same time.

We adopted a new plan.  Feed the kids first!  The adults could wait, but feed the kids first.  After the kids were fed, we put on a movie so they would be entertained while the adults enjoyed dinner and conversation.

It made dinner so much more relaxed and enjoyable.  The kids were fed and happy to watch a movie.  The adults were happy to enjoy warm food and good conversation.

I have heard that leaders in the military always make sure that the troops are fed first, before the officers eat.  An important responsibility of a leader is to serve and help others.  Good leaders put the needs of others first.

In the Bible, Jesus emphasized the importance of serving others.  He said that He did not come expecting others to serve Him, but He came to serve and help others (Mark 10:45).  The Apostle Peter wrote, “Use whatever gifts that God has given you to serve others” (I Peter 4:10).

Let me encourage you to watch for an opportunity this week to put the needs of others ahead of your own needs.  Remember – “feed the kids first”.  You will be glad you did and they will too!

Pastor Mark Hopper is from the Evangelical Free Church of Diamond Bar, 3255 South Diamond Bar Blvd.  Sunday services are 9 a.m. and 10:45 a.m.  For more information, call (909) 594-7604 or visit Efreedb.org.

Straight Talk with Danice

Danice Akiyoshi

Danice Akiyoshi

“How do I stay neutral in my parents’ divorce?”

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

 

Dear Dr. Danice,

I am twenty five years old.  My parents are in the middle of a divorce.  I notice that both of them are bending over backward to do nice things for me and buy me gifts so they can get me to be on their side.  This makes me mad.  I want to be close to both of my parents without having to choose sides.  Do you think this is possible?

Jena

Hi Jena,

Yes, I do think it’s possible to stay neutral with your parents.  Let them know that you are not open to hearing unsolicited negative comments from either of them.  In order to do this successfully, you will have to stay out of their business.  If they try to draw you in, gently remind each of them of your desire to love and respect them both as they work through this crisis in their lives.  You are not obligated in any way to wedge yourself in the middle of their marital issues.  Spend time with them individually and try to enjoy their company.  If they remain miserable, suggest that they seek some counseling or coaching individually in order to keep a healthy relationship with you.  If you need assistance, do not hesitate to ask for it.

Good Luck.

 

Danice Akiyoshi ND.

Coming To America

Licensed Marriage Family Therapist

Nancy Stoops M.A., M.F.T Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

By Nancy Stoops

I met a young man that has just been in this country for one year.  He came here to get an education.  He is fifteen-years-old and a freshman at a local high school.  He came with his mother from China and his father stayed back in China to make a living to pay for his wife and his son living here.  He teared up as he spoke about not seeing his dad and grandparents often enough.  He spoke of how he wants to make his mom and dad proud, but there were tremendous expectations on him.  He has a long day of high school, then more school and tutoring after school.  He also has art lessons.

I was very impressed with him and his wisdom at fifteen.  He told me he doesn’t play video games and doesn’t use drugs.  He’s very disciplined and told me he loves watching funny movies to relax.  He struggles on tests because English is his second language, but the school is giving him some help.  He is determined to succeed for himself and his family.  He understands the sacrifices they are making so that he can get the education he is so very deserving of.  He wants his family to be proud of him.

His parents have done an amazing job with their only child.  He doesn’t use his struggles as a reason to fail.  At fifteen, his priorities are such as they should be.  He was happy and grateful for the opportunity bestowed upon him.   As I listened to him, I felt so hopeful for the future.  If there are more teens like him, I believe our world will be good in the future when my grandchildren are coming of age!

This article was written by Nancy Stoops M.A., M.F.T.  Nancy is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.  She has a private practice in Diamond Bar and is currently accepting new clients; she is also a motivational speaker who can inspire your employees or group members.  Nancy runs free family support groups, a group on loss for seniors, and groups on how to manage anger.    For more information about any of these services feel free to contact her at (909229-0727.  You may e-mail Nancy at nancyjstoops@verizon.net.  You may purchase Nancy’s books Live Heal and Grow and Midnight the Therapy Dog at Amazon.com.

Winning The Trophy

Pastor Mark Hopper

Pastor Mark Hopper

By Mark Hopper
Recently a group of men from our church participated in the Walnut – Diamond Bar Sherriff Booster Club Golf Tournament.
Over 100 golfers enjoyed a beautiful day at the Western Hills Golf Club in Chino Hills. The goal of the tournament was to raise funds to provide shirts, uniforms and other equipment for the Sherriff’s junior cadet program.
The golf tournament featured a “Scramble” format where the golfers in each foursome help each other.
Each member in the foursome takes their first shot at the tee box. Then, they take their next shot from the location of the best hit in their group. They repeat this format until they reach the green. Then, each golfer putts from the same place on the green until one member of the group hits a ball into the cup.
It sounds pretty simple. Each golfer gets to play from the best shot each time. Usually at least one member of the group will hit the ball on the fairway and eventually one of them will hit their ball on to the green.
However, golf is never as easy as it looks. There were times when no one in our group hit the fairway. There were many times that we failed to reach the green in regulation. And, we had a hard time sinking our putts.
There was an award ceremony at dinner after the tournament. Scores were announced and prizes and trophies were awarded. The winning foursome had a score of 15 under par! That was amazing! They deserved their First Prize trophies.
Another foursome was given special recognition, too. They were given smaller trophies. The engraving on the trophy said, “Best Effort”. When the MC announced the winners of the “Best Effort” trophy, he called our names! We won!
However, what that “Best Effort” trophy actually meant was that our foursome actually had the worst score of the tournament! We really didn’t want that trophy. It was embarrassing.
In a few weeks, the Rotary Club of Walnut Valley and the Diamond Bar Community Foundation are also having their Golf Tournament at Western Hills Country Club. The date is Monday, May 9th.
The purpose of the tournament is to raise funds to benefit children and teens in our area. Money that is raised will be used for leadership camps, sports programs and local fine arts programs.
Both golfers and sponsors are invited to participate in this important annual event. For more information and registration details, please contact me at markh@efreedb.org or co-chairman, Lew Herndon at lewherndon@hotmail.com.
We will be using the same “Scramble” format, but we will not be giving out any “Best Effort” trophies. My golfing buddies don’t have any room in their trophy cases for any more of those!

Pastor Mark Hopper is from the Evangelical Free Church of Diamond Bar, 3255 South Diamond Bar Blvd.  Sunday services are 9 a.m. and 10:45 a.m.  For more information, call (909) 594-7604 or visithttp://www.efreedb.org

Straight Talk with Danice

Danice Akiyoshi

Danice Akiyoshi

“My girlfriend’s feelings have changed”

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dear Dr. Danice,

Two months ago my girlfriend got a new job.  I have never seen her happier but she seems to spend less and less time with me.  She goes out after work with her coworkers at least three times a week.  I have not complained yet because she treats me well when we’re together, but I feel like her feelings for me have changed.  How should I bring up the subject?

Thank you,

Bryan

 

Hello Brian,

If I were in your shoes, I would simply ask her if she thinks your relationship needs any adjustments.  I would also work up the courage to ask her if her feelings about being exclusive with you have changed.  If she says no, give her a bit of space to enjoy her new situation for a reasonable amount of time.  If she says she’d like to make some adjustments or changes then ask her to be perfectly clear about the changes she has in mind.  If the changes she mentions are not acceptable to you then it’s time to wish her well and move on, because the part that comes next is rarely pleasant.

Good Luck,

Danice Akiyoshi ND

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Be Who You Want To Become

Licensed Marriage Family Therapist

Nancy Stoops M.A., M.F.T Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

By Nancy Stoops, M.A.M.F.T.

 

Change is something that doesn’t happen overnight.  Just for a moment, I want you to think about who you long to be.  For me, I always want to be happy and peaceful.  The way that I work on this is by trying to smile, laugh and appreciate every day and that makes me feel happy.

I also try to do things that I enjoy and I always have some type of adventure planned.  This is a good recipe for happiness for me.  As far as for being peaceful, I meditate daily and try not to let things irritate me too much.  I also must always remind myself that I am only in control of myself and of my responses.  I don’t have the power to control others.

This seems to be a good recipe for inner peace.  Now, I must keep in mind that I am human and that there will be difficult days.  I must pat myself on my back for trying my best even if some days are worse than others.

Now it’s your turn to think about who you want to be.  Get out a piece of paper and write down one characteristic that you would like to obtain.  My example to help you will be living a healthy lifestyle.  This doesn’t mean a crash diet and working out so hard for a couple of days that you can’t move.  It means that you will eat a well-balanced meal, exercise consistently, drink lots of water, get plenty of rest, quit smoking, learn to drink alcohol in moderation, and manage your stress daily.

The happiness plan will differ for each individual because it needs to be balanced around the demands of each person’s life.  My point is we eventually become what we do and how we behave!

This article was written by Nancy Stoops M.A., M.F.T.  Nancy is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.  She has a private practice in Diamond Bar and is currently accepting new clients; she is also a motivational speaker who can inspire your employees or group members.  Nancy runs free family support groups, a group on loss for seniors, and groups on how to manage anger.    For more information about any of these services feel free to contact her at (909229-0727.  You may e-mail Nancy at nancyjstoops@verizon.net.  You may purchase Nancy’s books Live Heal and Grow and Midnight the Therapy Dog at Amazon.com.

An Old Friend

Pastor Mark Hopper

Pastor Mark Hopper

By Pastor Mark Hopper

We got a phone call today that a dear friend had died.  It was not unexpected; Margaret was over 90 years old.  But this wonderful woman and her husband made a lasting impact on our family.

We met Ray and Margaret while I was the pastor of a small church in Tucson, Arizona, in the 1980’s. They were “snow birds” who came to Tucson each year to get away from the long, cold winters in Minnesota.  They were hard working farmers with grown children and several grandchildren.  They were able to soak up some sunshine in Arizona during the winter months.  Later, they bought a home in Tucson and became full-time residents.

Ray and Margaret quietly helped others.  They had servant hearts.  When my wife and I needed to get away for a few days, they would stay with our kids in our house.  Not only did they feed and care for our kids, but they would clean our house too!

Our children still remember the “clean plate club” when Ray and Margaret came to stay with them.  If our kids ate all the food on their plates, they were rewarded by Ray and Margaret with a visit to Dairy Queen and a Peanut Buster Sundae!

When our young family was growing and we needed a room addition, Ray and Margaret loaned us the money to finish the job.  Although we did repay that loan over several years, they insisted on providing the floor covering so that our young kids would not be walking or crawling on a cement floor!

One summer we drove across the country and visited their farm in northern Minnesota.  We were thrilled to see their family farm, their home and their garden.  It sure looked different than the Arizona desert where our family lived.

Ray and Margaret had a firm, unshakable faith in Jesus Christ.  In his later years, Ray used to say goodbye like this, “If I don’t see you again, I’ll see you in heaven”.

They were generous and faithful members of our church.  I will never forget the time when our church was beginning a new building project.  We were committed to pay cash for each phase of construction.  At one point, the lumber was scheduled to be delivered on a Monday but we didn’t have all the funds to pay at delivery.  The church leaders met after the Sunday evening service to pray and discuss what we should do.

During that meeting, there was a knock at the door.  A man handed a check to our chairman to cover the remaining amount that was due the next day.  That check came from Ray and Margaret!  I have never forgotten that moment.  It was a wonderful reminder of how God provides through faithful people like this remarkable couple.

I wonder if there have been some people like Ray and Margaret who have impacted your family and your life.    They were like an extra set of grandparents to our kids.

When was the last time you expressed your thanks to someone who impacted your life as a child, teen, young adult or young couple?  Don’t wait until it is too late.  Write a note, send a card or make a call this week and tell them again how much you appreciate how God used them to enrich your life.

Pastor Mark Hopper is from the Evangelical Free Church of Diamond Bar, 3255 South Diamond Bar Blvd.  Sunday services are 9 a.m. and 10:45 a.m.  For more information, call (909) 594-7604 or visithttp://www.efreedb.org

Straight Talk with Danice

Danice Akiyoshi

Danice Akiyoshi

“My daughter is a mess”

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

 

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

My adult daughter has recently made a mistake that causes me shame.  She needs my help, but I am so hurt that I don’t know if I can be there for her.  My husband has turned his back on her.  He is tired of her chaotic lifestyle.  I feel so alone.  My daughter is too embarrassed to ask her siblings for help, because this is not the first time she’s been in trouble and needed us to bail her out.  I wish she had decent friends and didn’t always depend on me.  When is a mother’s job done?

-Francis

 

Hi, Francis:

Mother’s have many ways in which they interact with their children to enhance their lives.  If you are a mother who constantly bails out wayward adult children, then you are an enabler. That’s a big problem, in my opinion.  I feel for you if your spouse deserts you when the going gets tough.  This probably contributes to your enabling ways, but you still need to correct this.  As for your shame, if you need time to deal with your feelings of shame over the poor behavior of your daughter, then take it.  You are not obligated to push your feelings aside just because your daughter finds herself in hot water once again.  Maybe it’s time for you to allow your daughter to deal with the consequences of her poor behavior.  I know it’s hard, but it may be a better option since she’s a repeat offender.  Perhaps you could improve your marriage if you discontinue being in charge of keeping your daughter’s life together.  You would be wise to work on the issue of “shame,” as well.  Let me know if you need help.

 

Sincerely,

Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Your Presence Is Valued In Our World

Licensed Marriage Family Therapist

Nancy Stoops M.A., M.F.T Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

By Nancy Stoops, M.A.M.F.T.

I bet you think you don’t matter or make a difference.  I’m here to say you’re wrong.  Every interaction we have with each other matters.  Every time we smile or share a greeting we make a difference. Those very interactions can literally change the way another person feels about their day.  We still have the power to make the world a better place and to make somebody feel good.  I’m always given hope during those brief but powerful interactions with others.  The exchange of a smile can literally fill me with warmth and a wonderful glow inside.  Just for that brief second there is a very nice exchange of good energy between two humans.

Take a minute or two out of your day to say hi, smile, hold a door open, help somebody cross a street or perform any act of human kindness.  These acts really go a long way and can help you understand that you matter.  I value these acts and the people that have the social graces to perform them.  Please understand how much power you have each day to help make this world a better place. I hear heartwarming stories about people doing good deeds and I think about how much I value these people and their presence in our world.

Every time somebody thanks me for my work, their kind words seem to wrap around me and hug me and fill me up with such appreciation for my life and my work.  I so value the presence of the people in my practice and in my groups.  My group members are so supportive of each other and make a huge difference in each other’s lives.  I walk through my neighborhood and my dog Midnight and I have many very brief but meaningful interactions, which helps remind me how valuable humans can be if they take the time to connect with others!

This article was written by Nancy Stoops M.A., M.F.T.  Nancy is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.  She has a private practice in Diamond Bar and is currently accepting new clients; she is also a motivational speaker who can inspire your employees or group members.  Nancy runs free family support groups, a group on loss for seniors, and groups on how to manage anger.    For more information about any of these services feel free to contact her at (909)229-0727. You may e-mail Nancy at nancyjstoops@verizon.net.  You may purchase Nancy’s books Live Heal and Grow and Midnight the Therapy Dog at amazon.com.

Taking The Bus

Pastor Mark Hopper

Pastor Mark Hopper

By Pastor Mark Hopper

 

I was traveling out of town recently, and I decided to take the bus and metro train back to the airport.  Several people had offered to help me get to the airport, but I thought I could make it on my own.

I went online and checked the bus and metro routes in my area.  The bus ran every 30 minutes and would connect me to the metro train that went to the airport. I walked with my small red suitcase to the bus stop and got there in plenty of time.  Another bus rider assured me that this was the right stop for my bus and that it came every 30 minutes.

When the bus did not come on schedule, my fellow rider was concerned.  This never happened.  The bus was very reliable.  I called the “800” number posted at the bus stop to see what was wrong and was reassured by an impersonal computer voice that my bus would be on time.

Remember, I had a plane to catch and the clock was ticking.  I called the bus line’s “800” number again and finally talked with a real person.  They informed me that there had been mechanical trouble and the next bus would arrive in half an hour.

My previous relaxed composure was gradually changing to anxiety.  Why did I take the bus?  Why didn’t I accept the offers from others to drive me to the airport?  Now I was too embarrassed to call someone for a ride.  I had already declined their offers.  Now, the clock was ticking.  This seemed like a good time to pray and ask for God’s help!

Did I mention that while I was walking to the bus stop, earlier in the morning, that an airport shuttle van had actually pulled into the neighborhood?  What are the odds that a van taking people to the airport was driving through my neighborhood while I was walking to the bus stop to get to the airport?  Was this God sending me help because He knew I was going to need it and yet I refused to recognize it?

I actually walked over to the shuttle van to ask if there was room in his van for me and how much it would cost. Yes, there was room for me, but when I heard the price I knew I could save a lot of money taking the bus and then the metro train.  Little did I know that the price (and peace of mind) of the shuttle van would be a lot less than the price and stress of possibly having to buy a new plane ticket!

While I was waiting for over an hour, the same blue airport shuttle van, with the same driver that I talked to earlier, actually drove right by my bus stop.  I am sure that the shuttle driver smiled as he recognized the stingy guy with the red suitcase.  If I had seen him coming, I would have probably waved for him to stop and rescue me.

My bus did finally arrive.  It was over an hour late.  When I tried to purchase a bus pass that would include the metro to the airport, the driver told me that the machine was broken. Not the best day to choose to ride the bus.

I did finally make it to airport and I did catch my plane, but it was close.

One thing that I learned is that there are nice people on the bus. Every person said “thank you” to the driver as they got off of the bus.  The people on the bus were grateful for the ride.  People in their cars are often grumpy, not grateful.  I also learned to be thankful for my own car and how I so often take for granted the convenience of car ownership.

I was reminded that maybe I need to be more willing to let others help me.  Why did I say “no” when people offered to take me to the airport?  Maybe I need to learn to say “yes” and “thanks” when help is available.

And, maybe I need to learn how to use Uber!

Straight Talk with Danice

Danice Akiyoshi

Danice Akiyoshi

“Angry at my dead friend”

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

 

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

I just came home from my dear friend’s funeral. I was devastated because I thought he died suddenly from a mysterious illness.  Another friend found him unconscious in his home after none of us had heard from him for a couple of days.  We were all close and spoke almost daily.  At the funeral luncheon his sister told me that he had been diagnosed with cancer six months ago, and that was the real cause of his death.  I could not believe what I was hearing.  I didn’t say anything, because I don’t know his sister, but I am mad as hell at my friend!  Why didn’t he tell me the truth?  He was at my house for dinner a couple of times a week.  He and my husband were pretty close, too. I don’t understand why he wouldn’t let me help him.  Why didn’t he fight for his life?  He was only 60-years old. I don’t exaggerate when I tell you that nobody suspected he was this sick.  I feel deceived.  A real friend wouldn’t have lied to me this way.  My feelings are very hurt.  My husband won’t share his opinion with me.  Do you have any idea why someone would treat a true friend this way?  I am sick at heart to think I never knew this man at all.

-Gloria.

 

Dear Gloria:

I am sick about the way you’ve turned your friend’s death around to make it all about you.  I don’t know you, but your emotional maturity needs a lot of work.  Has it ever occurred to you that your friend was trying to spare you from grief and sadness?  Has it ever occurred to you that maybe your friend wanted his relationships with his friends to be normal and not filled with pity or tears?  Not everyone wants to undergo Chemotherapy and traditional therapies that are difficult to tolerate when their days are numbered anyway.  Why can’t you find a way to respect that?  You are a woman.  Let’s pretend you are about to give birth.  Do your friends have the right to force their opinions on you about what style of child birth you choose, or whether or not you are going to nurse your baby? Can they insist that you have an epidural when you really prefer to try natural childbirth?  Grow up, Gloria.  You are choosing to suffer.  This stems from your inability to accept that you can’t always control things.  People do not owe their friends and family all of their private information.  If you’d like assistance for anger, grief, or in improving your emotional maturity, I would love to meet with you.  I wish you well, Gloria, and sincerely hope you will feel better soon.

-Danice Akiyoshi, ND