Straight Talk With Danice

Danice Akiyoshi

Danice Akiyoshi

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.


Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

My adult daughter has recently made a mistake that causes me shame.  She needs my help, but I am so hurt that I don’t know if I can be there for her.  My husband has turned his back on her.  He is tired of her chaotic lifestyle.  I feel so alone.  My daughter is too embarrassed to ask her siblings for help, because this is not the first time she’s been in trouble and needed us to bail her out.  I wish she had decent friends and didn’t always depend on me.  When is a mother’s job done?


Hi, Francis:

Mother’s have many ways in which they interact with their children to enhance their lives.  If you are a mother who constantly bails out wayward adult children, then you are an enabler. That’s a big problem, in my opinion.  I feel for you if your spouse deserts you when the going gets tough.  This probably contributes to your enabling ways, but you still need to correct this.  As for your shame, if you need time to deal with your feelings of shame over the poor behavior of your daughter, then take it.  You are not obligated to push your feelings aside just because your daughter finds herself in hot water once again.  Maybe it’s time for you to allow your daughter to deal with the consequences of her poor behavior.  I know it’s hard, but it may be a better option since she’s a repeat offender.  Perhaps you could improve your marriage if you discontinue being in charge of keeping your daughter’s life together.  You would be wise to work on the issue of “shame,” as well.  Let me know if you need help.


Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.


Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at You can also visit her website at