Straight Talk With Danice

I’m not my best friend’s maid of honor

Danice Akiyoshi

Danice Akiyoshi

By Danice Akiyoshi ND


Dear Danice Akiyoshi ND,

I am terribly upset.  My best friend and I have had a fight and I don’t know what to do.    Her boyfriend proposed to her a few months ago and they have started to plan their wedding.  We met at a boutique last weekend to start shopping for her wedding dress. There, she told me that she hoped I would understand, but she wouldn’t be able to have me as her maid of honor because her fiancé doesn’t feel I’m deserving of that position. He told her that he would like to see her choose his cousin that he’s close to and she agreed.  I was speechless.  I admit that I am not close to this man, but my friend and I have been best friends for three years.  I was hurt and upset and I told her that her fiancé is an idiot and so is she for allowing him to control her that way.  I left the store and we haven’t spoken to each other since that day.  I’m very upset.  Should I call her?  Should I call him?  My mom says that I should send her an apology card and accept that I will be just a regular bridesmaid.  Just the thought of that upsets me because we are best friends and she hardly even knows his cousin.  What’s your opinion?

Thank You,


Dearest Desi,

I’m so sorry to inform you of this, but it looks to me like you’ve already lost your best friend.  If your friend’s fiancé feels like he can insert his opinions about who she chooses as a maid of honor and she allows this, then she has already lost her personal identity and given away her personal power to the degree that your friendship is bound to fade away no matter what you do.  Work hard to accept the reality of that now and save yourself the expense of a bridesmaid dress and all of the painful additional drama that goes along with being involved in this wedding.  My guess is that your friend has probably reported your behavior to her fiancé and he has already been pointing out that this just proves that his cousin is the better choice.  Manipulation will probably continue to be a big part of your friend’s life until she resumes thinking for herself.   Look at it this way; she is no longer a good match for you in the best friend department.  I hope you will find some delightful new friends soon.

Danice Akiyoshi ND

Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at You can also visit her website at