Our house needs repairs – a letter from Bebe

Danice Akiyoshi
By Danice Akiyoshi
Q: My husband has been ignoring me for years about updating our house. This is just not a high priority for him even though I offered to save for all the various things by working extra hours so it wouldn’t hurt our budget. We used to entertain, but over the years things started breaking, paint and carpet looks old, one toilet doesn’t flush right, landscape dies, sliding glass door doesn’t slide. I started to feel embarrassed about the appearance and condition of our home so I said no more entertaining until we addressed the issues. The house has gone downhill for years and I have lived with it and accepted the fact that this is the way it is. I stopped asking for improvements, but I won’t volunteer for hosting holidays or parties. He’s always acted like he didn’t care and I don’t want to fight. Now he wants his football buddy to visit us from another state. I came home from work to find my husband changing all the doorknobs in the house so they would match and there’s a guy outside jack hammering our damaged concrete. When I complained that this was not exactly what I had in mind, he said there is no making me happy and that I’m too picky and he stomped off.
This is not fair. I haven’t said a word to him about home repairs for years. Please give me your opinion. I hate fighting but I don’t want to give in on having a visitor.
A: It sounds to me like your husband fully ignored your requests until he needed you to change your stance on house guests and entertaining in your home. This gets a solid “F” from me. The fact that you have become embarrassed about your home to the degree that you have stopped all entertaining and hosting of holiday events tells me that you have all but given up. I don’t think your husband realizes how much this hurts you to not be able to have pride in your home. I don’t speak for everyone, and certainly there are many men who take great pride in the appearance and condition of their homes, but it’s hard for most people, especially women, to feel embarrassed about their dwelling and to feel continually helpless and hopeless to bring it up to par because the goals and desires of the joint householders are in conflict.
Tell me, Bebe, in what other areas has your marital happiness become as diminished as your home? I’m willing to bet that you don’t have stars in your eyes for your husband anymore. I’m willing to bet that you have made a habit of not looking at much of anything in an effort to block out your frustration and disappointment about the condition of your home. It’s troubling to me that your husband is more concerned about enjoying a visit with his football buddy then he is about your overall basic happiness. You have far bigger problems than home repairs and houseguests. You and your husband are not playing on the same team. Your marriage lacks communication, respect, and cooperation. I’m positive that this will eventually affect your romantic happiness. It’s time to sit down and really address this problem with your husband before you wake up one day and find yourself giving up on him like you’ve done with your house. Believe me Bebe, this is a common outcome when couples ignore serious problems.
You have the perfect opportunity right now to get this important conversation started. Seek guidance if you need to, but don’t miss this opportunity.
Like this:
Like Loading...