Category Archives: Weekly News Columns

Straight Talk with Danice

Danice Akiyoshi

Danice Akiyoshi

I want to date my friend’s ex! 

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

 

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

I am very attracted in my friend’s ex-girlfriend.  They broke up over a month ago, and I can tell she’s looking at me in a new way, too.  We all go to the same gym.  I don’t want to hurt my friend, but I want to ask her out.   How should I approach this?

-J.S.

 

Dear J. S.:

This is a tricky situation.  I’ve seen it go well, and I’ve seen it go horribly wrong.  I have a few questions for you to consider.  Are both parties completely over each other?  Are they mature?  Will anyone suffer humiliation? Do you have mutual friends, therefore making the situation awkward?  Do you want to take the risk of losing your friend over a new person to date?  Has enough time really gone by?  Please look ahead a few months into the future and decide if you can live with the possible consequences that may occur if you date your friend’s ex-girlfriend.  My personal opinion is to wait six months.  If you still feel the attraction, then approach your friend and see what his views are, and make your decision at that time.  Don’t rush on this if you value these relationships.  Thanks for writing.

-Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

We Could Learn A Lot From Dogs

Licensed Marriage Family Therapist

Nancy Stoops M.A., M.F.T Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

By Nancy Stoops, M.A.M.F.T.

Have you ever noticed how dogs take the time to really enjoy everything they do?  Dogs never seem to be in any sort of a hurry and are content just being with us.  I have also noticed dogs love us unconditionally and their sense of loyalty is miraculous.

I think we could learn a lot from these wonderful beings.  We need to learn to appreciate our time here and to enjoy each and every day.  We need to slow down and take the time to literally smell the roses and all the other wonderful scents our world offers us.  We need to forgive when others disappoint us, and not hold grudges.  We need to be able to give of ourselves to others and trust that they will take care of us.  I think being loyal is such an admirable trait- I wish I’d see it more in this world.

Have you ever watched the endless joy and comfort we give to our dogs when we slow down and just spend time petting them?  We think we are comforting them but in reality we are comforting each other.  In one of my groups, a gentleman told me he pets his dog when he gets angry and that seems to really calm him down and make him feel better.  I personally think it’s their way of trying to take care of us while also getting love for themselves.

I live with an amazing dog named Midnight.  He has taught me about naps, how to enjoy being out in nature, how to be silly, how to love unconditionally, how to love cuddling and how smelling each and every flower is a necessity.  His lessons have been very healing for me but never any more than Midnight himself. He is a constant reminder of how I am supposed to live a wonderful life!

This article was written by Nancy Stoops M.A., M.F.T.  Nancy is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.  She has a private practice in Diamond Bar and is currently accepting new clients; she is also a motivational speaker who can inspire your employees or group members.  Nancy runs free family support groups, a group on loss for seniors, and groups on how to manage anger.    For more information about any of these services feel free to contact her at (909) 229-0727.  You may e-mail Nancy at nancyjstoops@verizon.net.  You may purchase Nancy’s books Live Heal and Grow (A common sense guide to life) and Midnight the Therapy Dog at Amazon.com.

It’s Tax Season

Pastor Mark Hopper

Pastor Mark Hopper

By Pastor Mark Hopper 

 

There is bad news and good news about income taxes this year.  The bad news is that it’s tax season again.  The good news is that income taxes are not due until April 18th!

I know there is a lot of tax preparation software available these days.  And there are many tax professionals that can help people with filing their income tax returns.   Since I usually do my own taxes, I spend hours reading the instructions and filling out my tax return.   It used to take weeks to get additional forms.   Now, I can find them online and print my own copies.

All year long, I collect and keep receipts in a large manila envelope.  In January, it takes a lot of time to sort and organize these into different piles.  I have heard that it takes the average tax payer from five to ten hours to prepare their income taxes.   I’m sure it takes me a lot longer!

Eventually, my taxes get done and in the mail before the deadline.  I always say a short prayer when I put my tax return in the mail.  I hope that I got them right!

If I were a politician, I would simplify the whole income tax system.  More people would probably file their own taxes if the process was simplified.  I wonder if the complexity motivates people to not file at all or requires many people to hire tax professionals?

There is a passage in the Bible that says, “Give to everyone what you owe him; if you owe taxes, pay taxes, if you owe revenue, then pay revenue, if you owe respect, give respect and if you owe honor, then give honor” (Romans 13:7)   When Jesus was asked if people should pay taxes He answered, “Whose picture is on the Roman coin?” The answer was Caesar.  Therefore, He said, “give to Caesar what is Caesar’s and give to God what is God’s” (Mark 12:14-17).

I don’t think anyone enjoys paying taxes, but it is part of life.  If we live in this country, we should expect to support this country with our taxes.  We may not always like the way our local, state or national governments spend our money, but we should pay our taxes and then show our approval or disapproval at the ballot box in November.

Don’t forget – good news – the tax deadline this year is April 18th!

Pastor Mark Hopper is from the Evangelical Free Church of Diamond Bar, 3255 South Diamond Bar Blvd.  Sunday Services are at 9 a.m. and 10:45 a.m.  For more information, call (909) 594-7604 or visit efreedb.org.

Straight Talk With Danice

Danice Akiyoshi

Danice Akiyoshi

Feeling less than perfect

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

 

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

My best friend is perfect in every way, but for some reason she is always criticizing herself and her appearance.  Now I’m starting to feel self-conscious every time I’m around her.  She is much prettier than I am, so if she magnifies her own flaws, I wonder what she must think of me.  I’m starting to avoid her unless I’m looking my best.  What should I do?

-Farzi

Hi, Farzi:

Your friend might be suffering from insecurity or low self-esteem.  Just because she judges herself harshly does not mean that she has the same magnifying glass on you.  Don’t avoid your friend.  Share your feelings instead, and help her see her true value.

-Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Midnight the Therapy Dog

Licensed Marriage Family Therapist

Nancy Stoops M.A., M.F.T Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

By Nancy Stoops, M.A.M.F.T.

Midnight’s amazing story is now available at Amazon.com.  My new book Midnight the Therapy Dog will make you laugh and cry and delight your soul.  The book is a beautifully illustrated story about how Midnight loses his family and himself for a while.  My friend April Cruz, a brilliant artist, did the illustrations for this book.  Midnight never gave up and one day he was rescued by me.  At the age of two years old, Midnight tested with me and we became a registered pet therapy team.  Midnight is now seven years old and has literally made thousands of people feel better.

Besides working in my practice, Midnight also goes to St. Jude’s Hospital and the Crosson Cancer Center in Fullerton.  He even has his own I.D. badge with his picture.  Midnight also helps me at both of my support groups.  His story will inspire you to help animals in need and to never give up.  This book would make a great present for anybody.  Please go to Amazon and look at this beautiful book.

This book talks about being a broken spirit and with love and care growing into a being that now helps others.  I am so very proud of Midnight and honored to be able to work with him.  This book is truly my tribute to him and to all the other wonderful animals that get rescued and to the wonderful people that rescue them.  If you are looking for a pet, rescue animals make the best pets.  Midnight is an example of what a rescue animal can become with the proper training and lots of love and care.  So go online, or go to the humane society and rescue a pet and I bet they will rescue you as well.

This article was written by Nancy Stoops M.A., M.F.T.  Nancy is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.  She has a private practice in Diamond Bar and is currently accepting new clients; she is also a motivational speaker who can inspire your employees or group members.  Nancy runs free family support groups, including a group on loss for seniors, and groups on how to manage anger.    For more information about any of these services feel free to contact her at (909)229-0727.  You may email her at nancyjstoops@verizon.net .

Happy Birthday?

By Michael Armijo

I woke at 3 a.m. today and found myself staring at the ceiling. I knew it was my birthday, but I felt like something was missing. Something just didn’t feel right. I felt a sort of numbness creep into my soul.
Maybe it was the fact that two people, who I spoke to on a daily basis, were gone. No, not mad at me gone; life always changes and we can always get over petty angry thoughts and insignificant differences. These guys are gone. Forever.
If that wasn’t enough, I lost my mom last year too. So this was my first year of not receiving her dollar store cologne, or her used stuffed animal. Another year of not receiving some odd gift; she always felt she had to give me something, even if she had nothing to give.
So a certain sadness lingered around my soul. A missing piece. An absence in a spiritual way. Something just didn’t seem right.
I don’t know if I felt “Why am I still here” or “Why did THEY have to go?” Or “What’s to celebrate?” Whatever it was, it kept me from sleeping through the entire night. It kept me awake with wonder and wandering thoughts.
When I got to work, I found my desk streamed with balloons and a Happy Birthday banner. I found the wall in my office bannered and ballooned as well. Then the “Happy Birthday” wishes started coming in on my social media thread. When they reached over 100, I realized something. My numbness subsided. Someone jokingly said “You are spoiled” and another “Wow, you have it great.” And I thought it through: Why must many of us focus on what we don’t have and what we feel we lack? Why can’t we focus on the things that keep us going? What is it that makes us keep going?
It was then I realized what a loving family I have. How incredible the life I have built really is. How the many failures I’ve encountered have turned into many successes because I have such support in my life. I refuse to give up. I have purpose.
When I examine the landscape of my life, I no longer look at the weeds and the patches of dryness or crabgrass. I seek out the many rolling hills of greenery and the beautiful leaves that fill the glorious trees I have watched grow from the seeds that I’ve been planting for so many years. And when those leaves fall, I can only be grateful that I have enough strength and discipline to sweep them up before they turn into swamps of foul smelling piles. I am thankful that I have so much love and support, and that I have developed “purpose” within my life. So instead of looking at what I DON’T have, my will leads me to look at what I DO have. And as sunny blue skies lead to a fulfilled heart, and as the swaying palm trees bring serenity to my soul, I am so very thankful for my God-given ability to help others. And I am grateful for being able to have an extremely loving and happy birthday today.

Straight Talk With Danice

Danice Akiyoshi

Danice Akiyoshi

Trust Issues- A letter from Leona
By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

 

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi,

When my mother passed away she left my oldest brother in charge of her trust.  Her trust clearly states that her assets will be distributed equally among her four children.  My oldest brother is an accomplished businessman and thinks he has the right to tell the rest of us how our inheritance should be invested.  He wants to take the bulk of the money and reinvest it in real estate, making the four of us business partners. Of course he wants to manage our assets.  I am not interested in this plan.  I would like to have my portion and make my own choices.  I like a simple life and my brother puts that down saying I will live poorly in my old age if I don’t listen to him.  I don’t know why he feels this way.  I have lived decently my entire life on my income.  He is being a bully.    Please help me deal with this situation.  I do not want to be at odds with my family members.

-Leona

 

Dear Leona,

I am not an attorney, nor am I wise in this area of estate law, but I can help you deal with a family member who is trying to bully and manipulate you.  If he intimidates you then it would be best to put your thoughts in writing, because bullies have a way of discounting the comments of the people they perceive as their weak opponents.  Explain to your brother that you appreciate the fact that he is attempting to look after your future well being, but you are simply not interested in real estate investing.  Explain that you are looking forward to a simple life and are in no danger of ever being a burden to him or anyone else.  Ask that your portion of the estate be given to you without pause.  Once you’ve communicated clearly and also given him a back up copy of what you said in writing, he should start to see that you have no intention of being controlled by him financially or any other way.  If he doesn’t comply with your mother’s wishes then tell him you plan to hire an attorney.  Good luck in resolving this matter quickly.

-Danice Akiyoshi ND

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Being on Probation

Licensed Marriage Family Therapist

Nancy Stoops M.A., M.F.T Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

By Nancy Stoops, M.A.M.F.T.          

I have worked with many families that have had children on probation.  This can cause a lot of stress on the entire family.  There are many responsibilities that go with being on probation, and they vary with the type of crime that has been committed.  I have found that there usually seems to be some sort of private or group counseling, parental education, and/or community service required along with the probation.  In addition to the list above, anger management, drug and/or alcohol counseling and maybe some sort of weekend work program may be required.  It’s also important that the young person who is on probation does well in school, is following the imposed curfew and whatever other regulations the court papers specify.

I have talked with many families that have had children in juvenile hall or a work camp.  They have told me it’s very hard to go visit your child in such a facility, especially when the parents get to go home and the child has to stay.  Encourage your child to behave well when they are imprisoned.  I have known minor clients who are incarcerated obtain special privileges for good behavior, which can make the time go by faster.  If your child is on probation and is not imprisoned, remind them how serious it could get if they violate their probation.

Many parents feel like they really pay the price for their child’s crime.  Usually the parents have to arrange and get their child to all of the things the court is requiring, including attending parental education, paying court-related fees and fines, and paying for the service of an attorney.  I think everybody in the family pays when a child commits a crime. My advice is to try to become a stronger family and take advantage of all you are being asked to do by the court.  Maybe this crisis was necessary to finally get your family on track!

This article was written by Nancy Stoops M.A., M.F.T.  Nancy is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.  She has a private practice in Diamond Bar and is currently accepting new clients; she is also a motivational speaker who can inspire your employees or group members.  Nancy runs free family support groups, a group on loss for seniors, and groups on how to manage anger.    For more information about any of these services feel free to contact her at (909229-0727.  You may e-mail Nancy at nancyjstoops@verizon.net.  You may purchase Nancy’s books Live Heal and Grow and Midnight the Therapy Dog at Amazon.com.

 

Washing Windows

Pastor Mark Hopper

Pastor Mark Hopper

By Pastor Mark Hopper

We decided to wash the windows around our house a few months ago.  It was surprising to see how dirty they were.  A little elbow grease and our favorite household cleaner produced some really clean windows!  I don’t think we realized just how dirty the windows had become until we began washing them.  Dust and dirt had collected over the past few months.  Summer rain storms and daily grime had coated the windows with a dirty film.

The screens were dirty too, so we also took the screens off the windows and hosed them down with water.  The results were amazing.  We could see out of the clean windows.  The screens and glass looked great.  The before and after were amazing.  What a difference it made to invest a little time simply washing the windows!  Now, when we look out the windows, we see things so much more clearly.  The trees look greener and the patio looks cleaner.  It was like putting on a new pair of glasses – we could see everything much more clearly.

I wonder how much dust and dirt build up in our own hearts and lives.  Harmful habits and self-centered attitudes can creep into our lives before we even realize it.  We didn’t realize how dirty the windows had become at our house because the dust and grime built up slowly over time.

There are times that each of us could be helped by a little “window cleaning”.  Each of us needs to examine our own hearts and seek God’s forgiveness for the sin that accumulates in our lives.

There is a verse in the Bible that says, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (I John 1:9).

We all need to spend a quiet moment with God each day to “clear the decks” and “clean the windows” so that His light can shine brighter through us.  The windows in our homes and the windows of our heart sure look a lot better when they are clean!

Pastor Mark Hopper is from the Evangelical Free Church of Diamond Bar, 3255 South Diamond Bar Blvd.  Sunday services are 9 a.m. and 10:45 a.m.  For more information, call (909) 594-7604 or visit http://www.efreedb.org

Straight Talk With Danice

danice-akiyoshi-color-ORIGRelationship Perks- A letter from S.S.
By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

 

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi,

I like your column and I hope you can handle a dispute I’m having with my girlfriend. She recently moved into my home because we were living 90 minutes apart and it made our relationship difficult.  I am paying the mortgage and utilities and she buys the groceries, cooks, and keeps the domestic side of the home in great shape.  Things have never been so organized and clean and I’ve been very happy.  The dispute occurred when the washing machine broke down.  She does laundry every single day and went into a panic, asking me what I wanted to do.  I told her to go out and buy a new washer and I could tell that she was surprised at my suggestion. When I pointed out that I am the one paying the house payment, she pointed out that it is my home and that I would have to pay my own house payment and utilities with or without her. She said she feels she’s contributing more than her fair share and removed $700.00 in grocery receipts from her wallet for the food she bought and cooked the previous month.   She asked if I was more interested in a roommate or a girlfriend.  She made it clear that she doesn’t buy groceries, cook, clean and sleep with someone she considers a roommate.  Now she’s staying in the spare bedroom.  The house is a mess and all of the other perks are gone too.  She barely speaks to me at night and leaves for work before I get up.  She says she will leave a check for her room rent on the first of the month, but plans to make other arrangements soon.  This is bad.  Do I have a chance to repair this?  How wrong was I to think she should buy the new washing machine?  Why is she over reacting when just a few weeks ago we were so happy?  I’m really confused.  I need some suggestions.

Thank you,

S.S.

 

Dear S.S.

Looks like you took all those wonderful perks for granted.  It seems like you were imagining that she needed you a lot more than you needed her.  That’s a shame.  Based on the fact that your home is now a mess, there is no dinner, clean laundry, intimacy, etc.  I’m willing to bet that you would fork over the money for several washing machines at this point to restore your former happiness.  You undervalued what she was bringing to your relationship.  This is a common mistake between couples. I see it every single day in my practice.  Your girlfriend seems like a very organized caregiving type.  If she was spending $700.00 a month on groceries and feeding you nice meals along with keeping the household in stellar condition, then I would say she really was doing her part to contribute to the happiness and wellbeing of the household.  Unfortunately, this woman also seems stubborn, based on the current silent treatment and her retreat to the spare bedroom.  You will have to come up with an apology that she can truly ‘feel, taste, and hear.’  She must gain a clear understanding that you will never treat her like that again.  Keep in mind that there are all sorts of currencies in a relationship and she was generously sharing things of value to you.  In reality, money isn’t usually the most important contribution.  You’re smart enough to get your thoughts around this concept.  My advice to you is to immediately admit you were wrong and offer a sincere apology.  Convince her that her offerings are of great value to you and that you have no intention of taking her for granted in the future. I have a feeling that if she wasn’t waiting for you to figure this out on your own, she would already be making one of her nice dinners somewhere else.  In my opinion, you still have a good chance of correcting the situation.  Let me know if you need help with that apology.  You’d better make it exceptional. Good luck!

-Danice Akiyoshi ND

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her atstraighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Don’t Let Life Pass You By

Licensed Marriage Family Therapist

Nancy Stoops M.A., M.F.T Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

By Nancy Stoops, M.A., M.F.T.          

When we are young, we can’t wait to turn eighteen.  When we are eighteen, we can’t wait until we are twenty-one.  Once we are adults, we can’t wait to graduate college and get married.  Once we are married, we can’t wait to have a family and buy a house.  Then we have it all, the family, the job, and the house, and now we can’t wait until we retire.  Why is that we have such a hard time just living in the present?  It’s as if we are literally wishing our lives away.

People seem to believe that the future holds the happiness that the present just doesn’t.  I always hear people say that things will be different when I get past this.  So time moves along and they do indeed get past this, and from nowhere something else comes along.  Now they are thinking things will be so much better when I get past that. And so it is that this just keeps reoccurring.  Do you see a pattern here?  It’s called life, and it seems as if it is always giving us a challenge that we must get through.

Life is not a neat little package; it involves a lot of hard work and challenges.  Even then, there are times that we don’t get what we think we really deserve.  Maybe those are the times to look at what we did end up with and realize that it is even better.  We spend so much time looking at what we don’t have and feeling sorry for ourselves.  Life has a way of giving us what we need, if we just pay attention.  Things seem to work out if we are patient and willing to accept life’s challenges and live each day to the fullest.

This article was written by Nancy Stoops M.A., M.F.T.  Nancy is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.  She has a private practice in Diamond Bar and is currently accepting new clients. She is also a motivational speaker who can inspire your employees or group members.  Nancy runs free family support groups, a group on loss for seniors, and groups on how to manage anger.    For more information about any of these services feel free to contact her at (909)229-0727.  You may e-mail Nancy at nancyjstoops@verizon.net.  You may purchase Nancy’s books Live Heal and Grow and Midnight the therapy Dog at Amazon.com.

Clueless

Pastor Mark Hopper

Pastor Mark Hopper

By Pastor Mark Hopper
I am a big fan of summer.  I like the long evenings and the warm sun.  I like working in the yard and with just a pair of shorts and a t-shirt.   I am not as big a fan of winter.  I don’t enjoy wearing long sleeve shirts and warm coats. I would prefer to not need to wear a sweater or sweatshirt every time I go out the door.  My wife would say that I am not always aware of what I am wearing.  When she sees me wearing an old shirt or a worn-out sweater, she will encourage me to not wear it outside the house.
But what do you do when there is no one around to help you know what colors go together or what shirt goes with a particular pair of pants?  I think most men need help in this area.  That is why men need a wife to help them with these sensitive matters.  Not long ago, I got dressed for work and put on a warm sweater and went out the door.  When I went to a scheduled meeting, someone tapped on my shoulder and said that there was something on the back of my sweater.
When I looked to see what he was referring to, I didn’t notice a thing.  Maybe it was just some fuzz or lint.  I went through the entire day and did not know that there was something wrong.  When I got home that night, I discovered that I had put the sweater on backwards!  The thing on the back of my sweater was a design of a small sail boat.  It is the logo for the Nautica sportswear company!  It belongs in the front!
I was very embarrassed.  I had been wearing my sweater backwards all day long.  I wonder how many people noticed this but did not say anything?  I wonder how many people did not notice or didn’t care? There is a verse in the Bible that says, “Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor.  If one of them falls, the other will lift him up” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10).  Maybe we could paraphrase the verse to say, “If one wears his sweater backwards, the other can help point out his mistake and help correct the problem”.
Let me encourage you to be open to the suggestions or correction of a trusted friend or family member.  They may see something in your life that you are unaware of.  They may be able to help you “get your sweater on” right and help you avoid embarrassing yourself!
Pastor Mark Hopper is from the Evangelical Free Church of Diamond Bar, 3255 South Diamond Bar Blvd.  Sunday services are 9 a.m. and 10:45 a.m.  For more information, call (909) 594-7604 or visit http://www.efreedb.org

Snow Coming to Diamond Bar

Photo courtesy: City of Diamond Bar

Photo courtesy: City of Diamond Bar

Staff Reports

Diamond Bar – Snow days don’t come very often to sunny Southern California, but  the city of Diamond Bar has solved this winter dilemma by bringing snow – nearly 100 tons of snow – into their own backyard with the annual Winter Snow Fest on Saturday, Jan. 16.

City officials say that over 100 tons of snow will be hauled from local mountains and dumped at Pantera Park for Saturday’s winter wonderland from 9 a.m. to 3 p.m.

Snow revelers will enjoy sledding down one of four snow hills. There will be plenty of snow for making snowballs, snow angels and snowmen in a designated area. Other activities include arts and crafts, game booths, and photos with Flurry the Sledding Penguin.

Admission and snow play is free; the cost to play up to four games is $1 and the cost for unlimited sledding is $5. Only cash is accepted.

Local nonprofits will be operating a number of food booths selling a variety of savory fares, drinks and snacks, while local schools and youth performance groups will be providing nonstop entertainment on stage.

Pantera Park is located at 738 Pantera Drive. As a reminder, dogs (except registered service animals) and other pets are not permitted. For more information, call 909-839-7000 or visit www.diamondbarca.gov/wsf.

 

Straight Talk With Danice

Danice Akiyoshi

Danice Akiyoshi

Baby Blues- A letter from Brenda
By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

 

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi,

My best girlfriend recently had a baby.  I visited her and her husband in the hospital; saw the baby, and everything seemed fine.  Now that she’s home all of my requests to visit and see the baby have been brushed off.  She doesn’t answer her phone very often and when I call her husband he says she’s in the shower or sleeping or nursing the baby.  After 2 weeks of not hearing from her I called her sister who told me that she’s not doing very well and that she is having the baby blues.  This hurts my feelings.  I am her best friend.  I would be willing to help her with the baby.  I don’t understand why she would keep this from me and why she hasn’t returned my calls.  Having to hear this from her sister makes me wonder if I’m wrong about our friendship.  Can’t a woman have a baby and a best friend too?  Doesn’t she realize that I miss her and that friendship is a two way street and she’s not keeping up her end?  Should I stop calling her?  I am hurt and angry. What should I do next?

-Brenda

 

 

Well Brenda,

The first thing you should do is take a look at your emotional immaturity.  After that, you should Google postnatal or postpartum depression, also known as the “baby blues.”  Once you become familiar with that topic, perhaps you can do a little bit of personal inventory.  Maybe your friend just simply doesn’t have the strength right now to manage two babies.  (You being the second.)  Why you would turn your friend’s personal crisis into an issue about her not keeping up her end of the friendship is very confusing to me.  I can tell that you are basically a nice person, but please get some guidance and work to improve your emotional maturity.  People are not obligated to accept your offerings.  If I were you, I would send a card in the mail.  Let her know that she is in your thoughts and that you are there for her when she feels ready or if she needs anything.  Then you wait for the call.  If it takes quite a while, send another card, but do not push yourself on a person who is already overwhelmed.  That does not resemble friendship.

-Danice Akiyoshi ND

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her atstraighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

2016 The Magic Year

Licensed Marriage Family Therapist

Nancy Stoops M.A., M.F.T Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

By Nancy Stoops, M.A., M.F.T.

 

Once again, Happy New Year to all of you wonderful beings! Yes, it’s a new beginning for all of us.   It’s a chance to start fresh and finally become who you are meant to be. The New Year brings unlimited possibilities and new energy that helps us believe that the sky is the limit.  The New Year gives us hope and many new chances.  I say take these chances and make this year the best one ever!

Start this process by setting some small, very obtainable daily goals.  Once you’re in the groove and have met the daily goals, then it’s time to set a realistic goal for the year.  You may or may not ever meet your year-end goal, but it’s all about the steps or the process that we take in our attempts that cause us to change.  That’s what I want you all to focus on this year.  So what if you never get there all the way? You’re certainly moving in the right direction. Be proud of what you are able to do this year and don’t beat yourself up for what you couldn’t do.

I hope you will be good to yourselves in 2016 and finally work toward who you are meant to be.  I want you to remember that it’s all here for you and all you have to do is believe in yourself and go and get what you deserve.  I dedicate this to all of you in hopes that this will be a magical year. My wish for all of you is that you will get out there and find the greatness that exists in you and in our wonderful world.  It all starts by believing in yourself.   I believe in all of you and want you to be the very best you can be!

This article was written by Nancy Stoops M.A., M.F.T.  Nancy is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and is currently accepting new clients.  She also works as a motivational speaker, who can inspire your employees or group members.  Nancy runs free family support groups, a group on loss for seniors, and groups for teens and can handle many court mandated needs.  For more information about any of these services contact Nancy at (909) 229-0727.  You may e-mail Nancy at nancyjstoops@verizon.net. You may purchase Nancy’s books Live Heal and Grow and Midnight the Therapy Dog at Amazon.com.

 

Keep On Knocking

Pastor Mark Hopper

Pastor Mark Hopper

by Pastor Mark Hopper

Recently I was working on a home improvement project when I ran out of material.  I had put down some new floor tile and was trying to complete the grout, but I didn’t have enough grout to finish.  Bummer!
I knew that there was a Home Depot nearby and thought they were open until 10:00 PM.  So I jumped into the car and hurried over, thinking I had plenty of time to spare.  However, when I arrived at the store, I noticed that the parking lot was pretty empty and there were not many people around.  As I walked up to the front door, I discovered that the store closed at 9:00 PM, not 10:00 PM.  The ten o’clock closing time was correct in the summer, but in the winter they had an earlier closing time.  Now what should I do?  It was only a few minutes after nine when I arrived and I could still see a number of employees inside the store.  They were cleaning up and closing up for the day.
I knocked on the glass door and one employee saw me holding my empty container.  The employee was kind enough to come to the door and listen to my distressing situation. To my surprise, he opened the door and asked me what color of grout I needed. He explained that he could not let me inside the store, but he offered to go look for what I needed. I handed him the empty container and off he went. A few minutes later, the helpful employee returned with two other employees following him. Maybe this was a security measure to make sure I wasn’t planning to rob the store.
He found a new container of grout matching the color and texture of the empty container I had given him.  When I pulled out my wallet to pay for the material, he said that he could not accept any money and that the price had been reduced. He gave it to me for free!  The small bucket of grout cost less than $10, but I never expected a huge home improvement store to give me something for free- I was amazed, and I was very thankful to have enough material to finish my late night project.  I was especially thankful for an employee who was kind enough to help me in my time of need.
There is a verse in the Bible where Jesus taught His followers about prayer.  In Matthew 7:7 Jesus said, “Keep on asking and you will be given what you ask for. Keep on looking and you will find. Keep on knocking and the door will be opened.”  I’m sure that I said a little prayer that night when I knocked on the door at Home Depot, hoping that someone would hear and help.  How much more does God love to respond to our daily needs when we come to Him in prayer asking for His help?  All we need to do is bring our needs and requests to Him.  He always hears and He is ready to help!
Pastor Mark Hopper is from the Evangelical Free Church of Diamond Bar, 3255 South Diamond Bar Blvd.  Sunday services are at 9 a.m. and 10:45 a.m.  For more information, call (909) 594-7604 or visit http://www.efreedb.org

Straight Talk With Danice

Danice Akiyoshi

Danice Akiyoshi

Restless Marriage- A letter from C.L.
By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

 

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi,

I find myself feeling really restless in my marriage.  My husband is a very nice man, but my requests to add more excitement into our relationship are being ignored.  He seems very uncomfortable when I bring up the subject of improving our romantic life.  I notice that he buys me more gifts and takes me to nice dinners when I complain, but that’s not what I’m after.  I want more intimacy.  He is healthy in every way and so am I.  My sister said that this is what happens after 12 years of marriage. I don’t want to believe this is true and that things will get steadily worse.  He seemed uncomfortable with the idea of getting counseling.  He said we are fine and that he’s just been tired lately.  I worry that he no longer finds me attractive even though I’ve worked very hard to stay fit and healthy.  I don’t know what to do.

-C. L

 

 

Dear C. L.

You say you have tried to communicate your needs clearly to your husband and he is not taking you seriously. Is this the way your relationship works in other areas too, or just in the intimacy department?   Give it some thought. Maybe you’ll see that there is a pattern in other areas of your relationship where you are being ignored.  If in fact you have communicated clearly that you feel dissatisfied with the degree of intimacy in your marriage, your husband should be on red alert and strive to remedy that situation promptly.  If you are both healthy then there should be no problem spicing things up a bit.  If your husband is content in allowing you to feel insignificant to him then he has some ugly trouble awaiting him in his future.  The fact that you took time out to write to me means you are not going to deal well with being ignored, nor should you.  This is the time to get some serious conversations started before you find yourselves in jeopardy, and while you still love each other.  Do not wait.  Seek assistance if you need to, but I urge you to aggressively address this issue before you end up dealing with many more serious problems.  At this stage things can be turned around pretty quickly if the love is there.

I wish you the best of luck.

-Danice Akiyoshi ND

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her atstraighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

No More Failed New Year Resolutions

Licensed Marriage Family Therapist

Nancy Stoops M.A., M.F.T Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

By Nancy Stoops, M.A., M.F.T.

It’s that time of year when we all start setting resolutions for the New Year.  As we do this, we also wonder why we didn’t meet our resolutions from the last year.  Usually the reason we don’t accomplish resolutions or goals is because we make them unrealistic.  We also don’t give ourselves credit for accomplishing part of the goal.  For example, let’s say you wanted to lose thirty pounds this year, but you lost fifteen pounds.  I say that you were successful because you did part of what you set out to do.  I say that if we move in the direction of our goals, we are successful.  I also believe that if we are able to incorporate this mindset into our daily lives, we will eventually meet the entire goal.  On the other hand, if you feel that you have failed, chances are that you‘ll probably put the fifteen pounds back on that you originally lost and then really beat yourself up.

Be smarter this year, set more realistic goals, and remember that all good things take time.  More importantly, meeting a goal is usually about changing a habit.  It can take a while sometimes to successfully change a habit.  Think of your goals more as lifestyle changes.  If your goal is to lose weight or to get in better shape, think about how long you have had your bad habits and the fact that you are trying to make permanent changes in your lifestyle.  Don’t be so hard on yourself this year and learn to be happy with the baby steps that you accomplish toward the big goal that you have in mind.  Also learn to reward yourself as you accomplish each baby step.  Make this New Year the year you stop self-sabotaging and finally meet those life-changing goals.  I believe in all you and know that you can be and have what you deserve if you just follow my plan. Happy New Year!

This article was written by Nancy Stoops M.A., M.F.T.  Nancy is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.  Nancy runs free family support groups, a group on loss for seniors, and groups for teens.  For more information about any of these services feel free to contact her at (909)229-0727.  You may e-mail Nancy at nancyjstoops@verizon.net. You may purchase Nancy’s books Live Heal and Grow and Midnight the Therapy Dog at Amazon.com.

 

Go The Extra Mile

Pastor Mark Hopper

Pastor Mark Hopper

By Pastor Mark Hopper
One phrase that we have often used in our family is “Go The Extra Mile”.  We would tell our kids to do more than they were asked to do.  We wanted them to go beyond what was expected of them.
During His Sermon on the Mount, Jesus gave a series of instructions to his followers.  He challenged them to live differently than the culture of their time.  In Matthew 5:41, Jesus said, “If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two”.  At the time Jesus spoke those words, the nation of Israel was under Roman occupation.  A Roman soldier could force anyone to carry his equipment and materials up to a full mile.  No one could refuse this demand.
When Jesus said, “go with him two,” He was saying that His followers should exceed what is demanded of them by those in authority.  Followers of Christ should go “above and beyond” what is required of them.  Today, many people do as little as possible.  Students in school spend as little time as necessary to complete their homework.  Employees often do the same thing.  They can’t wait to punch their time card and leave their building or factory.
I wonder about you.  When you are given an assignment at work or school, do you strive for excellence or just try to do the minimum required?  Do you exceed the expectations of your teacher or boss or do you only do as little as necessary to complete the assignment?  What would your classmates or co-workers say about the quality of your work and the level of your performance?
I read a story about a man in England who built walls out of rocks and stones.  You see these stone walls all over rural England.  He was very careful to make sure that the foundation of the wall was well built, even though it would eventually be covered up with dirt.  When his young apprentice asked him why he spent so much time and effort on the part of the wall that no one would see, he replied, “Even if no one else sees it, I will know and God will know if it was well built.”
Let me challenge you to exceed expectations and excel in what you do.  Look for opportunities to “go the extra mile.”  Others may never know the extra time and effort you invested, but God will know and you will, too!
Pastor Mark Hopper is from the Evangelical Free Church of Diamond Bar, 3255 South Diamond Bar Blvd.  Sunday services are 9 a.m. and 10:45 a.m.  For more information, call (909) 594-7604 or visit http://www.efreedb.org

Straight Talk With Danice

Danice Akiyoshi

Danice Akiyoshi

Dealing with a breakup
By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D

 

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi,

I recently suffered a terrible break up.  I didn’t want my family to see me crying all the time so I started taking long walks.  My walks soon turned into running and I have now lost 23 pounds.  Now everyone is asking me if I’m suffering from an eating disorder and wondering if I’m depressed.  I do look a little under weight, but this is what I need to do right now.  I don’t want to talk about the details of my break up because it is too painful for me.  I just want to run.  I want to avoid socializing right now.  How can I briefly explain myself so people will leave me alone?

-Y. P.

 

 

Dear Y. P.

It seems to me that you have found a healthy way to work through your pain and suffering.  In my opinion you are on the right track and you do not owe anyone an explanation about how you are managing your emotions.   As for your well meaning and sincere loved ones, tell them exactly what you told me.  When you feel up to talking, tell them that you are processing your suffering with exercise and that you are not willing to have long conversations about your breakup.  Well meaning people will respect your request.  However, if you find yourself unable to truly digest your difficult experience in a reasonable amount of time, please seek the guidance of a skilled coach or therapist for a bit of additional assistance. Good Luck, and keep safe.

-Danice Akiyoshi ND

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her atstraighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.