Category Archives: Weekly News Columns

Straight Talk With Danice

Danice Akiyoshi

Danice Akiyoshi

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

 

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi,

My mom’s best friend fell off the face of the earth about 10 months ago and it just crushed my mom.  This woman means the world to our family and we have really missed her.  She is like a family member to all of us.  She told my mom that she needed to take care of some personal business and we haven’t heard a word from her in all this time.  Last week, I saw her getting into her car at the mall with her sister and she looks like she’s lost 50 or 60 pounds.  She looked terrible and I think she must be sick.  I’m afraid to tell my mom I saw her.  I don’t want her to start crying again.  She cried for 4 months after her friend left.  I don’t know what to do, but I think our friend needs help.  Should I go to her house?  My family would do anything for her.  I’m mad that she shut us out this way.  We didn’t deserve this.  We were good friends.
-K.M.

 

Dear K. M.:

The issue at hand is not whether or not you and your family are good friends.  The issue here is that your mom’s friend doesn’t want any of you in the front row of her life as she deals with her issues.  Not everyone craves a large support system when they are struggling.  If your friend is out and about at a mall with her sister, she obviously has the strength to make a phone call to your mom or anyone else in your family.  She has not chosen to do this.  Accept and respect her enough to not barge in on her.  If all of you miss her, send her a card saying that you miss her and see if you get a response.  If not, my advice is to mind your own business.  Issues like this can be very complex.  Don’t make matters worse for her by making it about you or your family.  You may not know the whole story.
-Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Everyday Heroes

Licensed Marriage Family Therapist

Nancy Stoops M.A., M.F.T Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

By Nancy Stoops, M.A., M.F.T.

There is so much good left in our world. I run into wonderful people daily. In my eyes you don’t have to acquire super powers or wear a cape to be a hero. For me, a hero is somebody that models all the good characteristics one should have. A hero is a person that lives up to their potential and strives to be better each and everyday. A hero is a person that gives fully of themselves because it is the right thing to do and doesn’t expect anything in return.

Look around and you will see plenty of everyday heroes. You will find them teaching our children, protecting our community, mentoring others, saving lives, putting out fires, giving grants and scholarships and modeling who we are intended to be in this world.

Giving unconditionally is one of the greatest gifts one can offer to this world.  It is the stuff that can make another understand, just how important their existence is to this world. It can literally save the life of another.

Sometimes people just need a break and being an everyday hero can offer that break for another human being. Don’t take your life for granted instead strive to be an everyday hero. Being an everyday hero doesn’t require lots of letters after your name or a fancy college degree. You can make a huge influence by just being the wonderful person you already are and by sharing your kindness and compassion with another.

Our youth need heroes and a sense of hope in a very chaotic time in our world.  It is our job to be everyday heroes and guide them. Strive to be your best, each and everyday.  If you do this I’m sure your inner most everyday hero will be unveiled for the world to see!

This article was written by Nancy Stoops M.A., M.F.T.  Nancy is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.  She has a private practice in Diamond Bar and is currently accepting new clients; she is also a motivational speaker who can inspire your employees or group members.  Nancy runs free family support groups, a group on loss for seniors, and groups on how to manage anger.    For more information about any of these services feel free to contact her at (909)229-0727.  You may e-mail Nancy at stoopsshecter@earthlink.net.

What Did You Say?

By Pastor Mark Hopper

I have had the privilege of serving as the lead pastor of two churches for a total of 40 years – 27 years in Diamond Bar and 13 years in Arizona.

As the lead pastor, I was responsible for preparing and delivering most of the sermons on Sunday morning.  For many of those years, we had two Sunday services.  If I preached 40 Sundays a year (deducting vacations, guest speakers, special programs, etc.) and spoke twice each Sunday, I have probably preached over 3,000 sermons in my life.

That is a lot of sermons and a lot of words!  So, I wonder, what are some of the things that people remember from all those sermons?  What words or catchy phrases do you think people remember?

Here are a few that I have heard people say they remember:

“Your ministry begins in the parking lot”.  Since we have a limited number of parking spaces on our property, we have rented spaces from businesses near our church.  We encourage people to “Park and Walk” to church from the off-site lots so that older adults, families with small children, people with special needs and new visitors can park on site.

When people park off-site, they are enabling others to use the available on-site parking spaces.  This is a very practical and helpful ministry to others.  Ministry at our church doesn’t just happen in the buildings and classrooms. It begins in the parking lot.

Another phrase that I often used with our leaders is, “Who and how many”?  I have found this question very useful in a variety of leadership settings.

At an Elder meeting many years ago, one of our leaders said that he had heard that a number of people were upset with something we had changed in our Sunday morning service.  You could sense the concern in the room.  What had we done that upset a lot of people?

Thankfully, before we launched into an extended discussion on the issue, I simply asked “Who and how many”?  How many people were we talking about and who were they?

It turned out that there were actually only two people that had complained and they tended to complain about everything!  Suddenly the mood of the meeting relaxed when we realized that there really were not “a lot of people” but actually only two.  Yes, we should consider their concerns, but we should also keep this in perspective and not be alarmed.

Another phrase that I often repeated through the years at our church was, “God uses people to bring other people to Himself”.  As you read throughout the Bible and especially in the New Testament, there are many examples where God used individuals to tell other people about Him.   In John 1, Andrew brings Peter to meet Jesus.  In Acts, God uses Peter to tell many more people about Jesus.

Certainly God does use a variety of ways to bring people to Himself.  I have heard stories of people coming to faith by reading a Bible in a hotel room placed there by the Gideon ministry.  I have met people who came to believe in Christ through a radio ministry or TV program.

But I believe that most of the time, people come to faith in Jesus through the words and friendship of other people.  God can use you to bring other people to Him.  You can invite a neighbor to church or talk with a co-worker at lunch.  You can lend a hand to stranger or spend time answering spiritual questions with a classmate.

I also believe that some of the people that God uses the most are children.  Children and grandchildren connect us with non-church people.  Kids are something that many of us have in common.  Through children, you meet their parents and grandparents.  These connections often lead to conversations about God, church and the Bible.

I hope you realize that God wants to use you to tell others about him.  Look around you this week.  Are there some people you know, work with or live near that you can help on their spiritual journey?

Pastor Mark Hopper is from the Evangelical Free Church of Diamond Bar, 3255 South Diamond Bar Ave. Sunday services are 9 a.m. and 10:45 a.m. For more information, call (909) 594-7604 or visit http://www.efreedb.org.

Straight Talk With Danice

Danice Akiyoshi

Danice Akiyoshi

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

 

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

My niece is having her wedding on a cruise ship. Over 20 people from our family are invited to join them on this cruise.  My niece asked me if I would book the largest stateroom so I can babysit the youngest kids who aren’t old enough for the kids club.  This way, everyone is free to drink and go to the casino late at night.  I don’t drink or gamble very often, but that doesn’t mean I want the task of nightly babysitting.  I want to have fun, too. Now I’m not looking forward to the trip at all.  I would feel guilty if I cancelled.  I already said I would go, and everyone just assumes I will babysit because I’m not as wild as they are.  I feel like I’m not really a guest at all.  What should I do?

-Auntie M.

 

Dear Auntie:

It’s time for a family meeting.  Explain that you look forward to doing your part with the youngest members of the family in the evenings.  Then present a schedule with the names of all the viable babysitters.  Assign a night to each capable party or couple.  They are free to switch and trade off if they like, but make it clear that you intend to enjoy yourself too, even if you don’t choose to drink and gamble.  Do not feel guilty when you resist being taken advantage of.  Have fun!

-Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Feeling So Very Helpless

Licensed Marriage Family Therapist

Nancy Stoops M.A., M.F.T Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

By Nancy Stoops, M.A., M.F.T.

I work with so many parents of children and teens that are on probation. I see how frightened they are and how helpless they feel. One of the hardest times to get through, is when your child makes a mistake and becomes part of the system.

I see the parents having such mixed emotions of anger, disappointment, sadness, fear, embarrassment and many other emotions as well. I don’t think anybody likes to admit their child has made a mistake and has disappointed them. I think it must be very hard to have to go to parenting classes because the court makes that part of your child’s probation. Also, if your child can’t drive you must take them to counseling, community service, probation appointments, and drug and alcohol classes and so on.  I think for many parents, it must feel as if they are on probation as well.

The truth is I have done a lot of work with the department of juvenile probation and the juvenile court system.  I see the probation officials and the juvenile court officials working very hard to give the children and teens a second chance.  These officials want them to learn from their mistakes but seem to work really hard to not lock people up, that can be rehabilitated.  I have great respect for these officials and for the families that get through this life changing experience. I also believe that a child or a teen can really grow, change and become a better person from this very difficult experience.

My heart goes out to you if you are experiencing the helpless feeling I am writing about.  Take advantage of the positive changes that can occur from this hard experience.  Use probation, as a tool to help make yours’ a closer and more loving family!

This article was written by Nancy Stoops M.A., M.F.T.  Nancy is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.  She has a private practice in Diamond Bar and is currently accepting new clients; she is also a motivational speaker who can inspire your employees or group members.  Nancy runs free family support groups, a group on loss for seniors, and groups on how to manage anger.    For more information about any of these services feel free to contact her at (909)229-0727.  You may e-mail Nancy at stoopsshecter@earthlink.net.

Don’t Forget To Vote

Pastor Mark Hopper

Pastor Mark Hopper

By Pastor Mark Hopper

For many communities, this is an “off” year in the election cycle.  But for some cities, there is an election on the first Tuesday in November.

My wife and I live in Diamond Bar.  We will be voting for new City Council members and for new School Board members.  We also have a bond measure for one of our school districts.

One of the ways you know it is an election season is the amount of flyers related to the election in your mail box.  There are also a number of election signs along the main streets in our city promoting a variety of candidates.

My criticism of the election signs is that people forget to remove them after the election is over.  I believe there are some regulations on the size and location of the signs, but there should be better ways to make sure they get removed after the voting is complete.

My criticism of the election materials that fill our mailboxes is that they can be misleading and misrepresent opposing candidates.

Recently there was a flyer in the mail with a photo of a candidate.  It was an unflattering picture and it was obvious that the flyer had been produced by the opposition. The flyer made some specific accusations regarding the candidate and urged voters to not vote for him.

I have several problems with this type of political material.

First, we should have a regulation that prohibits the use of an opposing candidate’s picture without their permission.

Everyone can find an unflattering photo of their opponent. Candidates should only be allowed to use photos of themselves and not their opponent.

Second, every flyer should include the names of the people who produced and paid for it.  The flyer that I received in the mail simply had a generic name of the sponsor and a post office box in another city.  It was paid for by “Citizens for a Better Community” or something like that.

My immediate question was, “Who are these people?  Who actually produced and paid for this mailing?”  People should be required to identify themselves personally and include a phone number and street address so you know exactly who sent out the flyer.

Third, I think there should be a time limit restricting when mailings can be sent.  I received the flyer late in the campaign.  It left little time for the opposing candidate to respond to the accusations leveled against him.  And, it left him with little time to provide a more positive photo of himself.

I hope that you will vote in the next election.  I hope you will take time to learn about each of the candidates and each ballot measure.  Read the material carefully.  Read the sample ballot, too.

Understand the issues and views of each candidate.

And, be discerning when you read the material you receive in the mail.  If it contains an unflattering photo and inflammatory accusations against another candidate, you may just want to toss it in the trash.

Many people are disillusioned and cynical about voting.  They are turned off by the negative campaigning and feel their vote doesn’t matter. But, do you know that there was a City Council election in Diamond Bar that ended in a tie?  The outcome was determined by a coin toss!  Every vote really does count!

Pastor Mark Hopper is from the Evangelical Free Church of Diamond Bar, 3255 South Diamond Bar Ave. Sunday services are 9 a.m. and 10:45 a.m. For more information, call (909) 594-7604 or visit http://www.efreedb.org.

Straight Talk With Danice

Danice Akiyoshi

Danice Akiyoshi

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

 

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

I quit smoking three months ago and it’s been super hard.  I have gone from putting cigarettes in my mouth to putting food in my mouth instead.  I have gained 12 pounds and my pants don’t fit anymore.  I already feel bad and I know I need to do better.  It was my birthday three days ago and my boyfriend had a treadmill delivered to my office as my birthday gift.  I am self-employed and have plenty of room, but my face was burning with anger and shame when my boyfriend showed up during the delivery to ask me if I liked my gift.  I never mentioned wanting exercise equipment in my home or office, but his message is clear.  Feeling humiliated, I canceled my birthday dinner date with him and I am avoiding his calls.  Why would he embarrass me at work when I’m already going through a tough time?  I will never step a foot on that treadmill, I’m so upset.  He should have discussed it with me, and the surprise delivery to my office ruined my birthday.  He could tell I was quiet and said he was just trying to help me.  What bull.  I ignored him. Was he wrong in your opinion?

-Lisa E.

 

Dear Lisa:

First of all, I want to say congratulations on becoming a non-smoker.  Quitting is a very big deal and quite difficult for many people.  I agree, you didn’t need or deserve to be hurt on your birthday.  What description fits your boyfriend the best?  Is he completely dumb, insensitive, mean or passive-aggressive?  I hope he’s just sort of dumb and he really was just trying to help you.   Please take inventory of all of his other behaviors.  If he’s mostly a good guy, write this off to poor judgment on his part.  If he’s a passive aggressive, insensitive, or mean person who is trying to tell you that you’re becoming unattractive as you tackle your addiction, then you are probably doing the right thing to avoid him.  Only you have these answers.  Be fair though, you might be a bit edgy right now. Take a proper inventory of your relationship.  Good Luck.

-Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Happy Halloween

Licensed Marriage Family Therapist

Nancy Stoops M.A., M.F.T Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

By Nancy Stoops, M.A., M.F.T.

Halloween is still my favorite holiday. As a child, I always thought it was so great to create a costume. In our house it was a major event. Very rarely did we buy costumes because it was much more fun to throw them together and create a new look.

You may be asking yourself why a therapist would be writing a column about Halloween.  I think our youth is really lacking in imagination and I think Halloween is a great time to help mold that in your child. Halloween is great time to help your child think about who they might want to be someday as well.

I know there are many safety concerns regarding Halloween and as a parent I understand that.  I also understand that our community provides lots of safe ways to celebrate the holiday.

The main thing is to help provide your child with a creative and safe Halloween.  My son is older now but we still both love Halloween so very much.  We have so many great memories around all the costumes, themes for decorating, pumpkin carving, parties, and all that makes this holiday so special. Our Halloween’s together are some of our best memories.

So spend some time with your child this year helping them develop the perfect costume.  Go out together, find the right pumpkin and carve it up together. Spend some time creating special Halloween traditions for you and your family.

Most of all let them use their imaginations and turn into somebody or something else for a day. Learn to have fun with your children during this wonderful holiday.

I think Halloween can create some great bonding time between you and your children.  It’s also a great time to let your hair down and just have some fun.

Nancy is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Nancy has a private practice in Diamond Bar. She runs free family support groups, a group on loss for seniors, and teen groups.  For more information about any of these services feel free to contact her at (909) 229-0727 or email, nancyjstoops@verizon.net. You may purchase Nancy’s   books, “Live, Heal and Grow,” and “Midnight the Therapy Dog” at Amazon.com.

Famous Last Words

Pastor Mark Hopper Diamond Bar

Pastor Mark Hopper

By Pastor Mark Hopper

Someone said that “last words are lasting words”.  Words that people have spoken to us can have a lasting impact and words that we have spoken can too.

We often associate words or phrases with the individuals that said them.  For example, in the movie, “The Godfather” there is the memorable line, “It isn’t personal, it’s just business.”  And in one of the Clint Eastwood movies Clint says, “Go ahead, make my day.”

These words and phrases tend to stick in our minds and remind us of the person who said them.

I learned a lot about construction from veteran carpenters like Ed and Carl.  These men knew their craft and did their work very well.

When Carl was trying to teach me about framing a wall or hanging a door, he always found a way to encourage me with a timely word.

When I would ask him if my small mistake or imperfection was a problem, he would reply, “You won’t be able to see it from my house”.  It was his way of encouraging me even though I didn’t have the skill or experience to do the job as well as he could.

Another phrase that I remember Carl used to say was, “We’ll do something even if it is wrong.”  That may sound like a contradiction, but what he meant was let’s get busy and get to work.  Sometimes we can spend so much time talking about a project that nothing actually gets done.

My old friend Joe was a pattern maker.  He worked in the aerospace industry using wood to make patterns that became molds for small parts for planes and missiles.

When we worked on projects at our church like framing a wall or remodeling a room, he would say, “Hand me the persuader.”  The “persuader” was a long-handle sledge hammer that proved helpful aligning a row of two by fours.

What are some words or phrases that your children or grandchildren have heard you say that they still remember today?  I wonder what are some words or phrases that I have used that people in our church remember about me?

Proverbs 22:17-18 says, “Listen with your ears and hear the words of the wise…and keep them in your heart.”

Let me encourage you to treasure the words that you have heard from those in your past and choose your words carefully, you never know who is listening and what they will remember!

Pastor Mark Hopper is from the Evangelical Free Church of Diamond Bar, 3255 South Diamond Bar Ave. Sunday services are 9 a.m. and 10:45 a.m. For more information, call (909) 594-7604 or visit http://www.efreedb.org.

Straight Talk With Danice

Danice Akiyoshi

Danice Akiyoshi

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

 

A Letter From Anna:

 

Q:  I have twin daughters. They are both married and have two children. My husband and I have always kept everything in their lives fair and even as we were raising them. We now have a family dilemma. One of my daughters has complained to me that I seem to be spending more time with her sister’s family. I didn’t know what to say because it’s true. One household is warm and hospitable while the other feels like a stuffy showplace with a staff of workers (nanny, chef, maid) under foot while I try to enjoy my grand kids. I love my daughters equally, but my husband and I like to spend our time where we feel comfortable.  I would invite them to my home more often, but we recently downsized to a condo.  Any ideas would be welcomed?

A:  Help your daughter understand that we live in a world of preferences. For the most part, things are not personal. Give her a few examples. For instance, remind her that you like your steak medium rare and she likes hers medium. You like onions on your burger and she prefers pickles only. You like a bath, she likes a shower. You like to be simple and homey and she prefers a higher-maintenance household. None of this is personal, people just have preferences.  Help her see that you and your husband enjoy a more relaxed atmosphere. Offer to remedy the situation by meeting in restaurants more often or booking a variety of activities so you can spend time together without household staff in attendance. Ask her for suggestions to make this a good experience for everyone involved. This shouldn’t be hard to work out once you get the conversations started. Good luck!

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Your Presence Is Valued In Our World

Licensed Marriage Family Therapist

Nancy Stoops M.A., M.F.T Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

By Nancy Stoops, M.A., M.F.T.

I bet you don’t think you matter or make a difference.  I am here to say you are wrong.  Every interaction we have with each other matters.  Every time we smile or share a greeting, we make a difference. Those very interactions can literally change the way another feels about their day.  We still have the power to make the world a better place and to make somebody feel good.  I’m always given hope during those brief but powerful interactions with others.  An exchange of a smile can literally fill me with warmth and a wonderful glow inside.  Just for that brief second there was a very nice exchange of good energy between two humans.

Take a minute or two out of your day, to say hi, smile, to hold a door open, to help somebody cross a street or perform any act of human kindness.  These acts really go a long way and can help you understand you matter.  I value these acts and the people that have the social graces to perform them.  Please understand how much power you have each day to help make this world a better place. I hear heartwarming stories about people doing good deeds and I think about how much I value these people and their presence in our world.

Every time somebody thanks me for my work, their kind words seem to wrap around me, hug me and fill me up with such appreciation for my life and my work.  I so value the presence of the people in my practice and in my groups.  My group members are so supportive of each other and make a huge difference for each other.  I walk through my neighborhood with my dog Midnight and I have many very brief but meaningful interactions and I am reminded of how valuable humans can be if they want!

Nancy is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Nancy has a private practice in Diamond Bar. She runs free family support groups, a group on loss for seniors, and teen groups.  For more information about any of these services feel free to contact her at (909) 229-0727 or email, nancyjstoops@verizon.net. You may purchase Nancy’s   books, “Live, Heal and Grow,” and “Midnight the Therapy Dog” at Amazon.com.

Painting A Memory

Pastor Mark Hopper

Pastor Mark Hopper

By Pastor Mark Hopper

Recently my wife and I spent time with some of our grandkids.  While we were staying at their house, their mother (our daughter) asked if we would be willing to help paint a room in their apartment.

Our son-in-law was out of town on business, so we agreed to take on the task to surprise him when he got home.  The grandkids were excited about the idea, too.  They really wanted to help.

One of the most important parts of painting is the preparation.  We moved the furniture into the middle of the room and found some interesting things that were hidden under them. We found some lost toys and a missing puzzle piece.  I was hoping we might find some money, too, but that was not the case.

We covered some things with plastic and used blue painter’s tape to mask off wooden door frames and the corners of the ceiling that we did not want to get new paint on.  We removed some of the electrical outlet and light switch covers.  We found some large pieces of cardboard to put down along the walls to protect the floor.

When it was time to begin painting, our seven year old grandson got the brush and I got the paint roller.  His assignment was to paint in the middle of the wall, far away from doors, door frames and windows.  My job was to roll most of the open wall space and use a brush to trim around the edges.

We made a pretty good team.  He worked hard at his task and I tried to keep out of his way with the roller.  I was impressed at his steady effort and careful work.  I think I splattered more paint than he did!

My wife’s job was to keep our younger granddaughter busy while we painted.  They went shopping and to lunch.

It seems like painting always takes longer then you expect.  We ran out of one color and had to go back to the store for more.  We needed another paint roller, too.  But gradually, the project came together and our daughter was delighted with the result.  We hope our son-in-law is pleased, too.

Home improvement projects usually take more time and cost more money than you expect, but the end results are usually good.  It seems like they go faster and better when you work with others.

There is a verse in the Bible that says, “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work.” (Ecclesiastes 4:9)  I was glad to have a hard-working grandson helping me.  There may not have been any monetary “return” but there is a delightful memory we will share together for years to come.

Pastor Mark Hopper is from the Evangelical Free Church of Diamond Bar, 3255 South Diamond Bar Ave. Sunday services are 9 a.m. and 10:45 a.m. For more information, call (909) 594-7604 or visit http://www.efreedb.org.

Straight Talk With Danice

Danice Akiyoshi

Danice Akiyoshi

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

 

A Letter From Loretta:

Q:  I just found out that my 38-year-old son is planning to move in with me.  He is in the middle of a divorce and apparently things are getting desperate for him financially because of attorney fees.  I heard this through the family grapevine.  I am a widow and I’ve lived alone for three years.  I don’t want a roommate at this stage of my life.  I would be more willing to loan him the money for his attorney fees.  My brother-in-law says this is cold hearted of me.  I love my son, but want a peaceful home.

A:  If living alone feels best to you, you should be honest about your preference. Living with someone is a big deal. Family grapevines are not always accurate, but if your son does approach you to pitch this arrangement, you should definitely express the ways you’re willing to help him while at the same time explaining that living as roommates does not work for you.  It is quite generous of you to offer financial support during this difficult time in his life.  You can offer emotional support in many different ways as well. Good luck!

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Facing Grief Head On

Licensed Marriage Family Therapist

Nancy Stoops M.A., M.F.T Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

By Nancy Stoops, M.A., M.F.T.

I know from lots of personal experience the loss of a loved one is devastating.  I know it can dump a person into a very severe depression.  It can make us feel like we just can’t go on and that life isn’t worth living without that loved one.  I have literally helped thousands of people heal from the death of a loved one.  I know it’s important to understand that we all must leave this world when it is our time.  Death has no logic or fairness it just is and is the hardest part of living.  I also know that we heal when we find a way to live that honors ourselves and our loved ones still here and our loved ones that have passed away.

The worst thing we can do is feel guilty that we are still alive but a very special loved one has passed away.  No matter what we do, say or feel, nothing can bring that loved one back to us.  All we can do is live our lives fully, live our lives for ourselves and for all of our loved ones that have passed away.  The truth is that our loved ones don’t want to die and make us feel such unbearable pain because they are no longer here.  So it’s very important to fully appreciate the life of a loved one when they are alive and with us.  One of the tricks of a very successful life is to take nothing for granted especially those closest to us.

So when you lose a loved one grieve but don’t give up on your life.  Remember we are all only here for such a short time so live well and love well and I promise then you will have no regrets.  Don’t waste your life because we only get one time to do it all.  Tell people you love them, be affectionate and when they pass away carry them in your heart forever!

Nancy is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Nancy has a private practice in Diamond Bar. She runs free family support groups, a group on loss for seniors, and teen groups.  For more information about any of these services feel free to contact her at (909) 229-0727 or email, nancyjstoops@verizon.net. You may purchase Nancy’s   books, “Live, Heal and Grow,” and “Midnight the Therapy Dog” at Amazon.com.

Do You Have A Passport?

Pastor Mark Hopper

Pastor Mark Hopper

By Pastor Mark Hopper

Everyone who travels outside their own country is required to carry a passport.  We are now required to have a passport to even visit Mexico and Canada.

A passport reveals a lot about a person. A passport identifies you as a citizen of a specific country.  My passport clearly states that I am a citizen of the United States of America. I am thankful to carry a US passport.

In addition, a passport tells a lot about you.  It includes the date and location of your birth.  It includes your photograph so that you can quickly and easily be identified with the information in it.   It tells when your passport was issued to you and the date it will expire.

Your passport also contains a record of the places you have been.  When you enter a foreign country, they usually stamp your passport to record the date you entered and the date you departed.  It indicates if you arrived by plane, train or by automobile. It is fun to thumb through the pages in your passport and remember the adventures you have shared and the places you have been in the past.

Sometimes airlines will put a sticker on the outside of your passport.  This indicates that you have been interviewed or screened for security purposes before they allow you to board their airplane.

Today, many countries are relying more on electronic screening.  They can scan or swipe your passport and immediately know a lot about you. You may find this comforting or you may feel concerned that there is so much information about you in their records.

I don’t know if they had passports in ancient times, but I do know that citizenship was a big deal even in Bible times.

The Apostle Paul invoked his rights as a Roman citizen on several occasions (Acts chapters 16 and 22). Citizens of Rome had additional rights and protections that were not granted to non-citizens.

In one of his letters, Paul says “Our citizenship is in heaven…” (Philippians 3:20).  Paul was both proud and thankful to be a citizen of Rome, but he was even more thankful to be a citizen of heaven through his faith in Jesus Christ.

If you have a passport, let me encourage you to dust it off and look through the pages.  It will be a helpful reminder of the places you have been to.   And, if you are not sure about your citizenship in heaven, let me encourage you to dust off your Bible and read some of the things that the Apostle Paul wrote his letters to the Romans and Ephesians about how you become one.

Pastor Mark Hopper is from the Evangelical Free Church of Diamond Bar, 3255 South Diamond Bar Ave. Sunday services are 9 a.m. and 10:45 a.m. For more information, call (909) 594-7604 or visit http://www.efreedb.org.

Straight Talk With Danice

Danice Akiyoshi

Danice Akiyoshi

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

 

A Letter From Nora:

Q:  My older sister accompanied me on a business trip to Las Vegas last year.  I invited her as my guest because she doesn’t get out much and I wanted to see her have a little fun.  On the first night she lost most of her money and consumed too much alcohol to the point of embarrassing me in front of my co-workers.  I never said anything about how uncomfortable I was.  Our annual trip is coming up again and she just assumes that I’m taking her again, but I don’t want a repeat of last year.  I don’t know how to tell her that I’d rather take someone else.  She is very sensitive and I don’t want to hurt her feelings. Thank you.

A:  Unfortunately, your sister is a social rookie.  Maybe she is just a lovable light weight who gets goofy when she drinks too much once in a while, or maybe she is a true social liability.  Be honest with her and explain that based on last year’s performance, she isn’t a suitable fit as your companion on a business outing, but you’ll keep her on the guest list for your next house party. Enjoy!

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her atstraighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Visit My Booth At The Walnut Family Festival

Licensed Marriage Family Therapist

Nancy Stoops M.A., M.F.T Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

By Nancy Stoops, M.A., M.F.T.

Can you believe fall is here and we are getting ready for Halloween?

One of my favorite things about this time of year is the Walnut Family Festival.  This year, I will not only have a booth, but Midnight the Therapy Dog and I will be in the parade.

The date of the parade and festival is Sat., Oct. 10.  The festival is located at Suzanne Park, and there are all kinds of wonderful things to do, buy, and eat – and it’s a great opportunity to just see some old friends.

The parade runs from 10 a.m. until noon, and the festival continues on until 6 p.m.

I will have flyers there regarding my free support groups and copies of my self-help book entitled, “Live, Heal and Grow – A common sense guide to life,” and my latest book, “Midnight the Therapy Dog” for sale.  I will be happy to sign each book purchased.

I always run into people that I haven’t seen for years.  It’s a great opportunity to come on by and just chat about what’s going on in your life and get some support.  If you prefer the support of a furry friend, Midnight, the certified therapy dog, will be at the booth part of the day as well.

The festival is lots of fun and has tons of free information for you and your family.  Over the years, many of you have e-mailed me or called and left me messages about my column.  I hope you’ll stop by my booth and introduce yourselves.  I’m always amazed about how many nice people I meet at this event.  It makes me feel proud to be part of such a wonderful community.  I love seeing all the families and all the dogs that come out to this event.  I hope you’ll come out and join the celebration!

This article was written by Nancy Stoops M.A., M.F.T.  Nancy is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.  She has a private practice in Diamond Bar and is currently accepting new clients; she is also a motivational speaker who can inspire your employees or group members.  Nancy runs free family support groups, including a group on loss for seniors, and groups on how to manage anger. For more information about any of these services feel free to contact her at (909) 229-0727, or via email at nancyjstoops@verizon.net.  Nancy’s books, “Midnight the Therapy Dog,” and “Live, Heal and Grow,” are available at Amazon.com.

Be Thankful

Pastor Mark Hopper

Pastor Mark Hopper

By Pastor Mark Hopper

Recently, I passed the baton of the leadership of our church to a younger pastor on our staff.  It was a morning filled with excitement and emotion as I stepped down from serving as the senior pastor and Pastor Tim Park accepted this new assignment.

Later that day, over 400 people gathered at the Diamond Bar Community Center to celebrate the 27 years that my wife and I have served at our church.  It was both humbling and amazing to see pictures and hear stories highlighting some of the things that happened during those many years.

A team at our church put together a wonderful evening.  The food was delicious and the decorations were gorgeous.  The room looked amazing! The program was filled with humor and memories.  It was an evening to remember.

One of the things I noticed was that I looked a lot younger 27 years ago when our family moved to Diamond Bar in 1988.  My hair was darker and there was a lot more of it!  Our kids were a lot younger back then, too.

A number of people shared stories about my years at the church.  Our own adult children shared some humorous accounts about their dad.  The Mayor of Diamond Bar presented me with a plaque recognizing our service to the community.

The pictures and videos brought back memories of building programs and special events that we will always remember.  In addition, many people wrote cards and notes thanking my wife and me for our ministry in their lives.

Through all of this, I was reminded that each person at that celebration had been touched in some way by my wife and me.  Their cards and words reminded us that the greatest impact we had at our church was not the new buildings and the special programs, but the times that we helped families and individuals at critical times in their lives.

God gave us the privilege to be part of their lives over the years.  We celebrated the births of their children and the weddings in their families.  We wept with others at the death of their loved ones and through the heartbreak of divorce.  It was both humbling and gratifying to hear how we were able to help and serve others.

Let me encourage you to look around you this week.  Who are the people that you work with and see every day?  Take time to thank them for the impact they have had in your life.  And, give thanks to God that he is using you to make a difference in their lives, too!

Pastor Mark Hopper is from the Evangelical Free Church of Diamond Bar, 3255 South Diamond Bar Ave. Sunday services are 9 a.m. and 10:45 a.m. For more information, call (909) 594-7604 or visit http://www.efreedb.org.

Straight Talk With Danice

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi

Danice Akiyoshi

A Letter From M.M.

 

Q:  My middle aged sister has been financially dependent on our father her whole adult life.  She has a decent job, but fails to live within her means.  My dad has always cushioned her life financially, but she remains a mess.  I don’t like to see her take advantage of him, but when I would bring up the subject, my dad would more or less say it was none of my business.  He said he felt sorry for her because she never got married.  I tried to understand his feelings.  Now my father has a terminal illness.  During a recent visit with him, he told me he knew he could count on me to take care of my sister after he passed away.  I just nodded my head, because I didn’t want to upset him when he is feeling so ill.  I am very angry and I don’t know what to do.  My sister never contributes anything to my dad or our family, but expects to get regular cash hand outs and other forms of support.  Any suggestions will be appreciated.  Thank you.

 

A:  I am sorry you are facing the loss of your father.  This is a very difficult time in your life so I will keep this simple.  Your dad is an enabler.  Your sister is a master manipulator and probably uses the emotion of guilt to get what she wants.  She most likely has a victim mentality.  And guess what?  It has worked where your father is concerned.  In a way, your dad has also used a subtle form of manipulation on you, when he said he knew he could count on you to pick up the responsibility for your sister after he is gone.  Guilt is a powerful emotion, but nothing good ever gets accomplished from prolonged guilt.  Notice how he never really “asked” you.  He does not leave any room for a negative response from you.  I’m sure he is not feeling up to a big conversation about this, so just forgive him and move on with finding your own way to deal with your sister.  Based on results, your father’s financial assistance has never really assisted your sister at all.  You say she is still a mess, right?   Real “Help” should empower a person.  It’s obvious your sister is disempowered by your father’s hand outs.  So, what your father provided was never really help.  He enabled her to stay dysfunctional.  Quite often, people like your sister end up resenting the people who help them stay in their bad situation.   And in many cases, they form a sense of entitlement that defies logic.  They feel weak and helpless and blame their caretaker for it, therefore feeling no remorse when their perceived requirements get out of balance.  When you do for others what they should really be doing for themselves, you diminish their opportunity for growth, personal power, and basic dignity.  Based on these guidelines, offer to “Help” your sister if she really wants to improve her life and explain that she must be a full participant.  Make it clear that you will not carry her as your father has done.  Healthy, able-bodied adults should take personal responsibility for their own lives. My hope is for you to start a new way of behaving in your family.  Breaking the old cycle will benefit all future generations.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her atstraighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Magical Australia

Licensed Marriage Family Therapist

Nancy Stoops M.A., M.F.T Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

By Nancy Stoops, M.A., M.F.T.

I have travelled all over the world to six continents now.  The only one I haven’t been to is Antarctica.

Recently I went to Australia, and I must say it was my best trip yet.  I was in the Northern Territory, which is very far into the outback.

I started in Darwin and went to a very spiritual place called Ayers Rock.  I watched a sunrise and sunset and saw the colors on this wonderful rock seem to change right in front of me.  I spent time in Kakadu and Litchfield National Park that has very tall rock formations with waterfalls and plunge pools. I was in the Mary Wetlands where I spotted crocodiles.

After my time in the Northern Territory, I went to Queensland where I snorkeled in the Great Barrier Reef and went into the Daintree Rainforest.  I hugged a koala and handfed kangaroos.  It was truly amazing.

The people of this fabulous place are so very helpful and warm.  They really made me feel at home.  Australia has some of the most stunning places I have ever been to in nature, and they work very hard to preserve it.

I must say I really had the best vacation of my life – and trust me when I tell you I have had many great experiences in so many places.  If I was to live anywhere else but the States, Australia would be it.

I was very impressed by the people, the nature and the overall views of what seems to be important.  I felt very safe as a woman travelling by herself.  They put their hands out to me when I was rock hiking to help me, and when I was struggling to find my hotel room a lovely woman walked with me to help me find my way.

I felt very cared for and free in their country. It was truly the trip of a lifetime, and boy, did I enjoy my time in Australia!

This article was written by Nancy Stoops M.A., M.F.T.  Nancy is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.  She has a private practice in Diamond Bar and is currently accepting new clients; she is also a motivational speaker who can inspire your employees or group members.  Nancy runs free family support groups, including a group on loss for seniors, and groups on how to manage anger. For more information about any of these services feel free to contact her at (909) 229-0727, or via email at nancyjstoops@verizon.net.  Nancy’s books, “Midnight the Therapy Dog,” and “Live, Heal and Grow,” are available at Amazon.com.