Danice Akiyoshi

“My new guy is a drinker”

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dear Dr. Danice,

I’m going out with a new guy that I met at my spinning class.  He always takes me out for smoothies after class and seems like he is very health conscious.  He drinks lots of water during our work out and eats fruit and protein bars as snacks.  Last weekend we went to the beach.  When he went into a sandwich shop to get food for our picnic lunch, I took a drink of what I thought was iced tea in his travel tumbler cup.  I was surprised to taste alcohol and he was driving us around while he was drinking.  I really like him so I decided not to say anything, but this bothers me.  My health is my top priority and he knows that I only drink on special occasions.  Should I wait and try his drinks a few more times to see if this is a habit?  Did I mention that I really like him?  I’m so disappointed.  Help…

Linda

Dear Linda,

Intelligent, healthy people are generally opposed to drinking and driving.  I’m having great trouble making sense of your date’s behavior.  On one hand he displays healthy behavior; on the other hand, he is secretly putting you both in danger by drinking and driving.  It’s my experience when people take steps to hide what they are doing, that’s a red flag and cause for concern.  If he was openly taking you to lunch in a restaurant and ordering a cocktail, I would be fine with it.  If he took you on a picnic and openly had a cocktail I would not raise an eyebrow, but hiding the fact that he is drinking is unimpressive and causes me to wonder what his consumption is really like.  Causal drinkers don’t feel the need to hide the fact that they have a drink on occasion.  If you really like him then address it, but don’t be surprised to find out that this is a much bigger problem than you’re prepared to handle.  If he admits he has a problem and is willing to seek help, consider sticking around awhile and perhaps show support for his progress, but don’t count on this happening.  He knows he has a problem, that’s why he’s hiding it.  Ultimately, he has to be ready to do this for himself.  Please be wise in your choices.  This is a big issue for a new relationship.

Danice Akiyoshi ND

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Danice Akiyoshi

“My girlfriend’s feelings have changed”

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dear Dr. Danice,

Two months ago my girlfriend got a new job.  I have never seen her happier but she seems to spend less and less time with me.  She goes out after work with her coworkers at least three times a week.  I have not complained yet because she treats me well when we’re together, but I feel like her feelings for me have changed.  How should I bring up the subject?

Thank you,

Bryan

Hello Brian,

If I were in your shoes, I would simply ask her if she thinks your relationship needs any adjustments.  I would also work up the courage to ask her if her feelings about being exclusive with you have changed.  If she says no, give her a bit of space to enjoy her new situation for a reasonable amount of time.  If she says she’d like to make some adjustments or changes then ask her to be perfectly clear about the changes she has in mind.  If the changes she mentions are not acceptable to you then it’s time to wish her well and move on, because the part that comes next is rarely pleasant.

Good Luck,

Danice Akiyoshi ND

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Danice Akiyoshi

“My daughter is a mess”

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

My adult daughter has recently made a mistake that causes me shame.  She needs my help, but I am so hurt that I don’t know if I can be there for her.  My husband has turned his back on her.  He is tired of her chaotic lifestyle.  I feel so alone.  My daughter is too embarrassed to ask her siblings for help, because this is not the first time she’s been in trouble and needed us to bail her out.  I wish she had decent friends and didn’t always depend on me.  When is a mother’s job done?

-Francis

Hi, Francis:

Mother’s have many ways in which they interact with their children to enhance their lives.  If you are a mother who constantly bails out wayward adult children, then you are an enabler. That’s a big problem, in my opinion.  I feel for you if your spouse deserts you when the going gets tough.  This probably contributes to your enabling ways, but you still need to correct this.  As for your shame, if you need time to deal with your feelings of shame over the poor behavior of your daughter, then take it.  You are not obligated to push your feelings aside just because your daughter finds herself in hot water once again.  Maybe it’s time for you to allow your daughter to deal with the consequences of her poor behavior.  I know it’s hard, but it may be a better option since she’s a repeat offender.  Perhaps you could improve your marriage if you discontinue being in charge of keeping your daughter’s life together.  You would be wise to work on the issue of “shame,” as well.  Let me know if you need help.

Sincerely,

Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Danice Akiyoshi

“Angry at my dead friend”

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

I just came home from my dear friend’s funeral. I was devastated because I thought he died suddenly from a mysterious illness.  Another friend found him unconscious in his home after none of us had heard from him for a couple of days.  We were all close and spoke almost daily.  At the funeral luncheon his sister told me that he had been diagnosed with cancer six months ago, and that was the real cause of his death.  I could not believe what I was hearing.  I didn’t say anything, because I don’t know his sister, but I am mad as hell at my friend!  Why didn’t he tell me the truth?  He was at my house for dinner a couple of times a week.  He and my husband were pretty close, too. I don’t understand why he wouldn’t let me help him.  Why didn’t he fight for his life?  He was only 60-years old. I don’t exaggerate when I tell you that nobody suspected he was this sick.  I feel deceived.  A real friend wouldn’t have lied to me this way.  My feelings are very hurt.  My husband won’t share his opinion with me.  Do you have any idea why someone would treat a true friend this way?  I am sick at heart to think I never knew this man at all.

-Gloria.

Dear Gloria:

I am sick about the way you’ve turned your friend’s death around to make it all about you.  I don’t know you, but your emotional maturity needs a lot of work.  Has it ever occurred to you that your friend was trying to spare you from grief and sadness?  Has it ever occurred to you that maybe your friend wanted his relationships with his friends to be normal and not filled with pity or tears?  Not everyone wants to undergo Chemotherapy and traditional therapies that are difficult to tolerate when their days are numbered anyway.  Why can’t you find a way to respect that?  You are a woman.  Let’s pretend you are about to give birth.  Do your friends have the right to force their opinions on you about what style of child birth you choose, or whether or not you are going to nurse your baby? Can they insist that you have an epidural when you really prefer to try natural childbirth?  Grow up, Gloria.  You are choosing to suffer.  This stems from your inability to accept that you can’t always control things.  People do not owe their friends and family all of their private information.  If you’d like assistance for anger, grief, or in improving your emotional maturity, I would love to meet with you.  I wish you well, Gloria, and sincerely hope you will feel better soon.

-Danice Akiyoshi, ND

Danice Akiyoshi

My husband keeps volunteering me!

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

I am a helpful, nice person, but I’m tired of my husband volunteering my time for everything.  If our neighbor throws her back out, he volunteers me to make dinner for them for three days.  If someone in the carpool can’t make it, he volunteers me to take their place.  If someone is having a refrigerator delivered, he says I would be more than happy to wait at their home for the delivery man. If his family needs anything, he volunteers me.  He feels free to do this because I have my own little business. I do medical billing and I work from my computer at home.  He thinks I can just pack up my work and cart it around anywhere.  Because of these constant interruptions, I am often up until midnight trying to finish my work.  He doesn’t know this because he’s in bed at 9:30.  I don’t mind helping people, but I’d like to do it on my own schedule, not his.  How should I approach this?

-Pamela F.

Dear Pamela:

It sounds to me like your husband doesn’t take your work very seriously.  I don’t know enough of the story, but I wonder if he under values the financial contribution you bring to the household.  Or perhaps he struggles with his own self esteem and wants to be a people pleaser.  Unfortunately, this is at your expense, not his.  To get to the bottom of it, why don’t you ask him if he’s fine with you putting your business on hold, as well as the money it brings into the household (slight sarcasm)? Explain that then you will be free to do all of these errands he keeps setting up for you.  If he says the family needs the money, this gives you an opening to ask him to respect your business as if it were actually important to the family.  If you’d like a more direct approach – which I always like best – advise him that he is no longer free to offer your time or services without your permission.  It really is just a matter of respect.  Let me know if you need additional assistance with boosting up your personal power.

-Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Danice Akiyoshi

“Spoiled Sister”

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

Both of my parents passed away two years ago.  My sister was very dependent on both of them.  Now that they’re gone, she looks to me to entertain her at every holiday and birthday, as if she were still a child, and bail her out financially when she makes stupid mistakes.  She never pitches in for anything that doesn’t directly affect her.  She makes comments like “mom and dad would want you to take care of me.  I’m the baby of the family and you make more money than me,” (she is 47).  Neither of us is married, but I don’t want her to think that she can lean on me for the rest of her life.

-Fed Up

Dear Fed Up:

Your sister has a sense of entitlement.  Make it clear that you have no interest in acting out the role of her parent or spouse.  I’m guessing that your parents did her a major disservice by allowing her to arrive into middle age with this degree of emotional immaturity.  Make it clear that your role is that of a sibling and not a caretaker.   Be honest about the fact that you no longer even see her as enjoyable company because of the way she takes you for granted.  If you have feelings of guilt, or have trouble standing up to her manipulation tactics, I would be happy to assist you.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Danice Akiyoshi

“My brother’s perfect life”

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dear Danice,

My brother brags about everything.  His wonderful job, his smart kids, his beautiful wife, his new BMW, his boat, his latest vacation, and anything else that is impressive in his life.  I’m over it.  So he’s done well in his life, it’s obvious.  Why does he have to shove it in my face by talking about it all the time?

Yvonne

Dear Yvonne,

Let’s take a moment to change your perspective.  If your brother announced his brain tumor, his bankruptcy, his addiction, his house fire, the failures of his kids, his mean wife – or whatever- you’d be all ears, and maybe even sympathetic enough to offer help.  Just take a look at how our society operates these days.  When we are doing well, people say things like, “It must be nice. Why doesn’t that ever happen to me?  Wish it were me.  How did you get so lucky?  He didn’t deserve that!”

Why do people so often offer support to their ailing loved ones, but criticize or shun them when they are doing well?  It makes no sense to me.  I want everyone to do well!

If your brother is a crashing bore, only interested in discussing his own good fortune, then tell him you are bored with constant conversations about him.  If you are jealous, then do something about feeling better about your own life.  Sharing success stories sounds better to me than sharing tragic stories.  All people hope for approval.

Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Danice Akiyoshi

“I betrayed my friend”

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

I recently betrayed my dear friend.  I spoke ill of her to some of our other mutual friends and I am mad at myself.  I was frustrated and suffering a weak moment when we were all out having drinks at Happy Hour.  I believe one of the women who heard me is bound to tell my friend about my remarks.  I am a terrible liar, and I feel so guilty.  I don’t think I can deny it if she finds out.  What should I do?  I am losing sleep.

-Avis P.

Dear Avis:

The fact that you feel so badly about making a disparaging remark about your friend tells me a lot about your character.  If I’m right about that, I think your dear friend is pretty familiar with your decent character, too. Please meet with her right away, hopefully before she hears it from one of the others.  Explain that you were frustrated and having that weak moment and that you just feel horrible about the unbecoming comments you made.  Ask her to forgive your poor judgment.  Look her right in the eye and promise that it will never happen again as you apologize.  Make sure you keep that agreement.  Good Luck.

-Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi

“My daughter thinks she’s ready to move out”

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi,

My daughter just graduated from high school last June and she has already decided to move out with two girlfriends.  I feel she is not ready to be on her own, but when I try to give her advice she gets nasty.  How can I make sure she is okay without making her look childish in front of her friends?  I am really worried, because she is still so immature.  By the way, none of these girls are in college, but they all have jobs. They believe they can make this arrangement work out.  Please help! – Danielle

Dear Danielle,

This is one of those difficult times in the parenting cycle.  You sound like a very caring mom and your daughter will appreciate that some day.  Have faith that you did a good job in raising your daughter, and create space in your relationship for her to develop self reliance.   When I felt a deep need to visit and “check in” on my young adult kids, I made favorite food items, or offered to share my giant bundle of paper towels or toilet paper.  Youngsters are usually very open to receiving these gifts when they are first starting out on their own.  Be careful not to criticize their dwelling if it is messy, and resist the urge to fix all the difficulties that crop up.  When young adults make a decision to enter adult living, you should allow them to sort things out on their own.  However, let your daughter know she can seek your assistance before she allows anything to become a crisis.  I am assuming you have given her guidance about credit card debt and basic health practices.  Also, you might want to explain that you will not be taking steps to maintain her former lifestyle once she moves out. For example, clothes shopping, haircuts, cell phone bill, extra gas money, medical or dental expenses.  This talk should be informative, but not manipulative.  Often young adults are so excited at the thought of being on their own, that they don’t see the big picture.  When my son called with a very expensive utility bill he and his roommates couldn’t pay, I explained that I would assist them, but made it clear that I would not fix the same problem twice.  This shows you’re interested in a good outcome, but allows respect for the fact that you’re both functioning adults. If she still decides to move out after this friendly and informative conversation, be supportive, wish her well, and get back to your own interests in life. Be well.

Danice Akiyoshi

I want to date my friend’s ex! 

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

I am very attracted in my friend’s ex-girlfriend.  They broke up over a month ago, and I can tell she’s looking at me in a new way, too.  We all go to the same gym.  I don’t want to hurt my friend, but I want to ask her out.   How should I approach this?

-J.S.

Dear J. S.:

This is a tricky situation.  I’ve seen it go well, and I’ve seen it go horribly wrong.  I have a few questions for you to consider.  Are both parties completely over each other?  Are they mature?  Will anyone suffer humiliation? Do you have mutual friends, therefore making the situation awkward?  Do you want to take the risk of losing your friend over a new person to date?  Has enough time really gone by?  Please look ahead a few months into the future and decide if you can live with the possible consequences that may occur if you date your friend’s ex-girlfriend.  My personal opinion is to wait six months.  If you still feel the attraction, then approach your friend and see what his views are, and make your decision at that time.  Don’t rush on this if you value these relationships.  Thanks for writing.

-Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi

Feeling less than perfect

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

My best friend is perfect in every way, but for some reason she is always criticizing herself and her appearance.  Now I’m starting to feel self-conscious every time I’m around her.  She is much prettier than I am, so if she magnifies her own flaws, I wonder what she must think of me.  I’m starting to avoid her unless I’m looking my best.  What should I do?

-Farzi

Hi, Farzi:

Your friend might be suffering from insecurity or low self-esteem.  Just because she judges herself harshly does not mean that she has the same magnifying glass on you.  Don’t avoid your friend.  Share your feelings instead, and help her see her true value.

-Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi

Trust Issues- A letter from Leona
By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi,

When my mother passed away she left my oldest brother in charge of her trust.  Her trust clearly states that her assets will be distributed equally among her four children.  My oldest brother is an accomplished businessman and thinks he has the right to tell the rest of us how our inheritance should be invested.  He wants to take the bulk of the money and reinvest it in real estate, making the four of us business partners. Of course he wants to manage our assets.  I am not interested in this plan.  I would like to have my portion and make my own choices.  I like a simple life and my brother puts that down saying I will live poorly in my old age if I don’t listen to him.  I don’t know why he feels this way.  I have lived decently my entire life on my income.  He is being a bully.    Please help me deal with this situation.  I do not want to be at odds with my family members.

-Leona

Dear Leona,

I am not an attorney, nor am I wise in this area of estate law, but I can help you deal with a family member who is trying to bully and manipulate you.  If he intimidates you then it would be best to put your thoughts in writing, because bullies have a way of discounting the comments of the people they perceive as their weak opponents.  Explain to your brother that you appreciate the fact that he is attempting to look after your future well being, but you are simply not interested in real estate investing.  Explain that you are looking forward to a simple life and are in no danger of ever being a burden to him or anyone else.  Ask that your portion of the estate be given to you without pause.  Once you’ve communicated clearly and also given him a back up copy of what you said in writing, he should start to see that you have no intention of being controlled by him financially or any other way.  If he doesn’t comply with your mother’s wishes then tell him you plan to hire an attorney.  Good luck in resolving this matter quickly.

-Danice Akiyoshi ND

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Relationship Perks- A letter from S.S.
By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi,

I like your column and I hope you can handle a dispute I’m having with my girlfriend. She recently moved into my home because we were living 90 minutes apart and it made our relationship difficult.  I am paying the mortgage and utilities and she buys the groceries, cooks, and keeps the domestic side of the home in great shape.  Things have never been so organized and clean and I’ve been very happy.  The dispute occurred when the washing machine broke down.  She does laundry every single day and went into a panic, asking me what I wanted to do.  I told her to go out and buy a new washer and I could tell that she was surprised at my suggestion. When I pointed out that I am the one paying the house payment, she pointed out that it is my home and that I would have to pay my own house payment and utilities with or without her. She said she feels she’s contributing more than her fair share and removed $700.00 in grocery receipts from her wallet for the food she bought and cooked the previous month.   She asked if I was more interested in a roommate or a girlfriend.  She made it clear that she doesn’t buy groceries, cook, clean and sleep with someone she considers a roommate.  Now she’s staying in the spare bedroom.  The house is a mess and all of the other perks are gone too.  She barely speaks to me at night and leaves for work before I get up.  She says she will leave a check for her room rent on the first of the month, but plans to make other arrangements soon.  This is bad.  Do I have a chance to repair this?  How wrong was I to think she should buy the new washing machine?  Why is she over reacting when just a few weeks ago we were so happy?  I’m really confused.  I need some suggestions.

Thank you,

S.S.

Dear S.S.

Looks like you took all those wonderful perks for granted.  It seems like you were imagining that she needed you a lot more than you needed her.  That’s a shame.  Based on the fact that your home is now a mess, there is no dinner, clean laundry, intimacy, etc.  I’m willing to bet that you would fork over the money for several washing machines at this point to restore your former happiness.  You undervalued what she was bringing to your relationship.  This is a common mistake between couples. I see it every single day in my practice.  Your girlfriend seems like a very organized caregiving type.  If she was spending $700.00 a month on groceries and feeding you nice meals along with keeping the household in stellar condition, then I would say she really was doing her part to contribute to the happiness and wellbeing of the household.  Unfortunately, this woman also seems stubborn, based on the current silent treatment and her retreat to the spare bedroom.  You will have to come up with an apology that she can truly ‘feel, taste, and hear.’  She must gain a clear understanding that you will never treat her like that again.  Keep in mind that there are all sorts of currencies in a relationship and she was generously sharing things of value to you.  In reality, money isn’t usually the most important contribution.  You’re smart enough to get your thoughts around this concept.  My advice to you is to immediately admit you were wrong and offer a sincere apology.  Convince her that her offerings are of great value to you and that you have no intention of taking her for granted in the future. I have a feeling that if she wasn’t waiting for you to figure this out on your own, she would already be making one of her nice dinners somewhere else.  In my opinion, you still have a good chance of correcting the situation.  Let me know if you need help with that apology.  You’d better make it exceptional. Good luck!

-Danice Akiyoshi ND

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her atstraighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Danice Akiyoshi

Baby Blues- A letter from Brenda
By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi,

My best girlfriend recently had a baby.  I visited her and her husband in the hospital; saw the baby, and everything seemed fine.  Now that she’s home all of my requests to visit and see the baby have been brushed off.  She doesn’t answer her phone very often and when I call her husband he says she’s in the shower or sleeping or nursing the baby.  After 2 weeks of not hearing from her I called her sister who told me that she’s not doing very well and that she is having the baby blues.  This hurts my feelings.  I am her best friend.  I would be willing to help her with the baby.  I don’t understand why she would keep this from me and why she hasn’t returned my calls.  Having to hear this from her sister makes me wonder if I’m wrong about our friendship.  Can’t a woman have a baby and a best friend too?  Doesn’t she realize that I miss her and that friendship is a two way street and she’s not keeping up her end?  Should I stop calling her?  I am hurt and angry. What should I do next?

-Brenda

Well Brenda,

The first thing you should do is take a look at your emotional immaturity.  After that, you should Google postnatal or postpartum depression, also known as the “baby blues.”  Once you become familiar with that topic, perhaps you can do a little bit of personal inventory.  Maybe your friend just simply doesn’t have the strength right now to manage two babies.  (You being the second.)  Why you would turn your friend’s personal crisis into an issue about her not keeping up her end of the friendship is very confusing to me.  I can tell that you are basically a nice person, but please get some guidance and work to improve your emotional maturity.  People are not obligated to accept your offerings.  If I were you, I would send a card in the mail.  Let her know that she is in your thoughts and that you are there for her when she feels ready or if she needs anything.  Then you wait for the call.  If it takes quite a while, send another card, but do not push yourself on a person who is already overwhelmed.  That does not resemble friendship.

-Danice Akiyoshi ND

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her atstraighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Danice Akiyoshi

Restless Marriage- A letter from C.L.
By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi,

I find myself feeling really restless in my marriage.  My husband is a very nice man, but my requests to add more excitement into our relationship are being ignored.  He seems very uncomfortable when I bring up the subject of improving our romantic life.  I notice that he buys me more gifts and takes me to nice dinners when I complain, but that’s not what I’m after.  I want more intimacy.  He is healthy in every way and so am I.  My sister said that this is what happens after 12 years of marriage. I don’t want to believe this is true and that things will get steadily worse.  He seemed uncomfortable with the idea of getting counseling.  He said we are fine and that he’s just been tired lately.  I worry that he no longer finds me attractive even though I’ve worked very hard to stay fit and healthy.  I don’t know what to do.

-C. L

Dear C. L.

You say you have tried to communicate your needs clearly to your husband and he is not taking you seriously. Is this the way your relationship works in other areas too, or just in the intimacy department?   Give it some thought. Maybe you’ll see that there is a pattern in other areas of your relationship where you are being ignored.  If in fact you have communicated clearly that you feel dissatisfied with the degree of intimacy in your marriage, your husband should be on red alert and strive to remedy that situation promptly.  If you are both healthy then there should be no problem spicing things up a bit.  If your husband is content in allowing you to feel insignificant to him then he has some ugly trouble awaiting him in his future.  The fact that you took time out to write to me means you are not going to deal well with being ignored, nor should you.  This is the time to get some serious conversations started before you find yourselves in jeopardy, and while you still love each other.  Do not wait.  Seek assistance if you need to, but I urge you to aggressively address this issue before you end up dealing with many more serious problems.  At this stage things can be turned around pretty quickly if the love is there.

I wish you the best of luck.

-Danice Akiyoshi ND

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her atstraighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Danice Akiyoshi

Dealing with a breakup
By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi,

I recently suffered a terrible break up.  I didn’t want my family to see me crying all the time so I started taking long walks.  My walks soon turned into running and I have now lost 23 pounds.  Now everyone is asking me if I’m suffering from an eating disorder and wondering if I’m depressed.  I do look a little under weight, but this is what I need to do right now.  I don’t want to talk about the details of my break up because it is too painful for me.  I just want to run.  I want to avoid socializing right now.  How can I briefly explain myself so people will leave me alone?

-Y. P.

Dear Y. P.

It seems to me that you have found a healthy way to work through your pain and suffering.  In my opinion you are on the right track and you do not owe anyone an explanation about how you are managing your emotions.   As for your well meaning and sincere loved ones, tell them exactly what you told me.  When you feel up to talking, tell them that you are processing your suffering with exercise and that you are not willing to have long conversations about your breakup.  Well meaning people will respect your request.  However, if you find yourself unable to truly digest your difficult experience in a reasonable amount of time, please seek the guidance of a skilled coach or therapist for a bit of additional assistance. Good Luck, and keep safe.

-Danice Akiyoshi ND

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her atstraighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Danice Akiyoshi

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

A Letter from Meghan:

I have a friend who is constantly competing with me.  I hope you can help me understand her.  When I got a new car, within three months she got a new car.  When I changed my hair color and style, she attempted to duplicate my exact look.  When I got a dog, the next month she got a dog.  When I got engaged to my boyfriend of 3 years, within 6 months she was wearing an engagement ring from some guy she’s only been dating for a few months.  She doesn’t realize that all of our friends are laughing at her behind her back.  I feel embarrassed for her, but this is awkward for me.  I do not enjoy being the center of attention this way. We aren’t very close.  She is one of my sorority sisters and we have regular gatherings because many of us are getting married, having bridal showers and weddings.  I don’t want to pull out of the group. Aside from this problem we have a great time together. May I have your advice please?

Dear Meghan,

This woman obviously idolizes you.  If there is nothing about her behavior that harms you then let it go.  When your other friends attempt to make mention of your copy cat friend, discourage them.  This woman obviously has struggles about her personal identity.  She likes what she sees in you.  Perhaps you can view it as a compliment.  Even though it is awkward, I don’t see this as harmful for you.  If she starts to violate your personal space in any way then that’s a different story.  If that’s not happening, feel flattered; enjoy your days and your friends.  Take note that humans copy each other in many ways.  Look around.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her atstraighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Danice Akiyoshi

By Danice Akiyoshi

A Letter From Melanie:

I earn my living as a preschool teacher, but I have a passion for writing poetry.  I submit my poems to various publications and several of them have been published.  When I share my exciting news with my friends and family it seems like they don’t really care.  My work was even included in a small poetry book that is available for sale.  I’m very disappointed that hardly any of my friends or family has bothered to purchase it.  I have always supported everything they do.  I have spent hundreds of dollars on their kid’s school fund raisers and they can’t spend $8 to buy my work.   This makes no sense to me. I am hurt.

Melanie G.

Dear Melanie,

I’m sorry you are feeling disappointed in your friends and family.  You are obviously a sensitive person who participates in the needs and accomplishments of your loved ones.  I have no idea why your family is unsupportive about your accomplishments.  This is not true for every family, but I see this sort of issue quite often in my practice.   Everyone suffers disappointment from time to time.  The way I handle an unsupportive loved one is to allow the issue to hurt my feelings for about 10 minutes.  If my suffering is severe then I allow 30 minutes.  I think about it, shed a tear, say a few curse words in my head, pace around, and feel sad, angry, resentful, and insignificant.  After the allotted time I stop and move on to another topic in my life.  Do you get where I’m going with this?  I process my feelings for the allotted period of time and then I let it go.  If it pops up again, then I do the same routine.  The hurt feelings usually fade after doing this process a few times.  Please don’t dedicate days of your life to feeling disappointed in people.  People are basically self focused and are busy taking care of the things that are near and dear to them.  If poetry is not high on their priority list then your accomplishment will get pushed aside. Do not let their lack of interest define you or your talent. If you are a kind person who puts effort into caring about the accomplishments of your loved ones, regardless of your personal interest, please stay that way.  The world needs people like you! Meanwhile, market your work to the appropriate audience and let the rest go.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her atstraighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Danice Akiyoshi

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

A Letter from Ray

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi,

I have a serious problem with anger. My sister said she will never drive with me again or allow me to take her kids to the movies anymore because I had an episode with road rage when she was a passenger in my car.  I can tell that she thinks less of me now and it really bothers me. I am a nice man, but when people do stupid things on the streets I can’t control myself. I will do anything to get her to trust me again.  She says she doesn’t understand me anymore. I already miss my niece and nephew. I don’t have any friends outside of my family.  What should I do to regain her trust?  I regret upsetting her. She is my best friend. Thank you.
-Ray

Hi Ray,

In my opinion, anyone who would lose their temper in public with a total stranger to the degree that their own loved ones will turn away from them is in serious trouble. Quite often, unnecessary aggression stems from low self esteem and a feeling of having no personal power. I hope you will seriously consider some sort of personal coaching or counseling to identify what is bothering you so deeply that you take these dangerous risks.  The fact that you show remorse and feel sad because of the distance your sister has imposed on you shows me that you care enough to get better. Please call a skilled professional and schedule an appointment. Consider inviting your sister to attend therapy with you eventually so that she can see how serious you are about repairing things with her.

From a safety standpoint I’m glad you are addressing your problem. Please make an appointment to get help right away. I wish you well.

-Danice Akiyoshi N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Danice Akiyoshi

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

A Letter from K. Lee:

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi,

I am 28 years old and live with my parents. My problem is that my parents are mean to me. When I’m not doing things their way they put me down. They say I am over weight, or that I shouldn’t go out with my friends because my face is having a break out, or that my girlfriend really doesn’t care about me and she’s just using me. I wish I could move out, but we all work together at the same company and we carpool which saves me a lot of money. I’m getting depressed. Help.

-K. Lee

Hi K. Lee,

When people make comments to make you feel off balance or injure your self esteem, they are attempting to manipulate you. Usually they have an agenda and are trying to direct you in a way that gives them their desired outcome at the expense of your own happiness. You are in a dangerous situation where your emotional health is concerned and you need to discuss this with your parents. If they are not responsive, please consider personal coaching so you can build your own sense of personal power and better manage personal conflicts. There are plenty of other roommates who are willing to share expenses without chipping away at your well being.  At the age of 28 you should have the developmental skills to restructure your life and still maintain decent family relations. If you are emotionally immature and afraid to face adult living, please get some assistance. You will feel so much better being in control of your own life.   Good Luck.

-Danice Akiyoshi N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.