Danice Akiyoshi

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

A Letter From Jen

Q:  I was out for a business meeting on Saturday night that was about ten minutes from my parent’s house.  I decided to visit and didn’t call in advance.  As I walked up the driveway, I could hear my mom and dad laughing on the patio.  I let myself in with my key and headed toward the patio.  I was pretty surprised to see my parents in a party mode like I have never seen before.  In order to avoid embarrassment for all of us, I left without making my presence known.  My cheeks are still burning.  My parents never did these things when my sister and I lived at home.  Should I pretend like I never saw this?

A:  Yes, you should pretend that you never stupidly interrupted the privacy of other adults.  When parents are finally done raising their children they often go back to enjoying themselves in ways that are inappropriate when youngsters are around. Never show up anywhere uninvited or unannounced.  If your family shares house keys it’s probably for emergency reasons at this point in your lives.  Is it also possible that you might be caught in a private situation if your parents decided to let themselves into your home uninvited and unannounced?  Learn from this one, Jen. Please be respectful and keep their business to yourself.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Danice Akiyoshi

A Letter from Chrissy

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Q:  What is your opinion about people who are always late?  Why do you think some people have no respect for time management?

A:  In my opinion, I think personal power plays a role here.  People who are habitually late generally don’t have a good sense of their own personal power.  They are often passive-aggressive, imagining that they have power over others by keeping them waiting.  Of course, some people are just poor managers of their time, but I think the personal power thing comes into play more often.  They are misguided in thinking that their time is more valuable than yours.  Let’s not forget the people who are basically clueless and have poor manners.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Danice Akiyoshi

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

————————–

A Letter From Nina

————————–

Q:  My daughter is dating a man who has special diet restrictions connected to his religion.  When we have social gatherings at our home, my daughter asks us to include several members of his family.  My husband and I have no problem including his family – the more the merrier – but I find it irritating to be asked repeatedly if the food I’m serving falls in line with their dietary restrictions. We’ve had eight such gatherings and I’ve taken their needs into consideration every time, but it’s wearing thin.  The whole thing has started to feel rude to me.   I would like to return to my regular party menus and entertaining routine.  Or maybe I should move the gatherings to a restaurant in the future which would eliminate the problem for me.  I don’t want to upset my daughter so I haven’t said anything to her.  Am I being unreasonable?

A:  This is a touchy subject because it involves religion.  We live in a time when everyone wants their religion respected, and those that have no religious beliefs want that respected as well.  However, when an invitation is accepted, it’s my opinion that it’s proper to accept the offerings of the host and hostess without additional or special requirements.  Having special expectations or making demands in any way is poor manners.  Just because your daughter is interested in this man, doesn’t mean that you have to overly alter your lifestyle to accommodate his differences.   Would you expect special treatment at the homes of his family members if you had special requirements for your meals?  These are her choices, not yours.  If it irritates you, discontinue your offers of hospitality and dine in restaurants.  It’s really that simple.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Danice Akiyoshi

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dear Dr Akiyoshi:

I have a problem sticking up for myself.  The words are in my mind, but I can’t get them to come out of my mouth when people are pushy with me.  I once bought $700 worth of silverware that I didn’t need, accepted auto financing that wasn’t in my best interest, and hosted a baby shower and a bridal shower for my cousin because my aunt was too lazy and dumped it on me. I’m the one that gets asked to take people to the airport at awful hours.  I’m the dog and house sitter, and the friend who is always asked to be the designated driver.  In short, I get taken for granted.  I like to be nice, but I’m starting to think I’m my own worst enemy.  What is your recommendation?

-Sincerely, Roberta

Dear Roberta:

First of all, I will say that I can tell you are a very sweet and gentle-natured person.  These are marvelous qualities.  Many gentle-natured people get taken for granted and many eventually learn to have healthy boundaries so they don’t feel abused.  Developing your sense of self worth would go a long way in helping you to stand up for yourself.  Once you have a workable set of skills, keeping yourself from constantly feeling compromised is no longer difficult.  There are many books and self-help courses available on this subject.  If you need additional guidance, I would be happy to work with you.  Good Luck, Roberta.

-Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Danice Akiyoshi

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

My adult daughter has recently made a mistake that causes me shame.  She needs my help, but I am so hurt that I don’t know if I can be there for her.  My husband has turned his back on her.  He is tired of her chaotic lifestyle.  I feel so alone.  My daughter is too embarrassed to ask her siblings for help, because this is not the first time she’s been in trouble and needed us to bail her out.  I wish she had decent friends and didn’t always depend on me.  When is a mother’s job done?

-Francis

Hi, Francis:

Mother’s have many ways in which they interact with their children to enhance their lives.  If you are a mother who constantly bails out wayward adult children, then you are an enabler. That’s a big problem, in my opinion.  I feel for you if your spouse deserts you when the going gets tough.  This probably contributes to your enabling ways, but you still need to correct this.  As for your shame, if you need time to deal with your feelings of shame over the poor behavior of your daughter, then take it.  You are not obligated to push your feelings aside just because your daughter finds herself in hot water once again.  Maybe it’s time for you to allow your daughter to deal with the consequences of her poor behavior.  I know it’s hard, but it may be a better option since she’s a repeat offender.  Perhaps you could improve your marriage if you discontinue being in charge of keeping your daughter’s life together.  You would be wise to work on the issue of “shame,” as well.  Let me know if you need help.

Sincerely,

Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Danice Akiyoshi

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

I am only 41 years old and my hair is falling out.  I have tried every expensive hair restoration product I can find, but they aren’t working.  I have lost about thirty five pounds in the last year and I exercise five days a week.  I eat well and my female cycle is regular.  I feel I am healthy.  My doctor can’t find anything wrong with me other than allergies and sinus problems.  A friend at the gym said she started taking Biotin when her hair got thin during Menopause and that it helped her.  Do you believe this?

-Heather H.

Hi, Heather:

Yes, I am a fan of Biotin.  I use it myself and I feel it makes my hair nice and thick, but I know a few people who feel that it made no difference for them. Everyone responds to things differently.  Weight loss can often result in hair loss if it happens too rapidly.  Is this true in your case?  Did you make sure that you got an adequate amount of protein as you were reducing your food intake?  A lack of protein can easily cause hair loss and muscle wasting.  Blood work is probably in order.  Maybe you should also consult a nutritionist.  Of course stress can also play a role, too.  Good Luck, Heather.

-Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and c03oncerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Danice Akiyoshi

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

I just came home from my dear friend’s funeral. I was devastated because I thought he died suddenly from a mysterious illness.  Another friend found him unconscious in his home after none of us had heard from him for a couple of days.  We were all close and spoke almost daily.  At the funeral luncheon his sister told me that he had been diagnosed with cancer six months ago, and that was the real cause of his death.  I could not believe what I was hearing.  I didn’t say anything, because I don’t know his sister, but I am mad as hell at my friend!  Why didn’t he tell me the truth?  He was at my house for dinner a couple of times a week.  He and my husband were pretty close, too. I don’t understand why he wouldn’t let me help him.  Why didn’t he fight for his life?  He was only 60-years old. I don’t exaggerate when I tell you that nobody suspected he was this sick.  I feel deceived.  A real friend wouldn’t have lied to me this way.  My feelings are very hurt.  My husband won’t share his opinion with me.  Do you have any idea why someone would treat a true friend this way?  I am sick at heart to think I never knew this man at all.

-Gloria.

Dear Gloria:

I am sick about the way you’ve turned your friend’s death around to make it all about you.  I don’t know you, but your emotional maturity needs a lot of work.  Has it ever occurred to you that your friend was trying to spare you from grief and sadness?  Has it ever occurred to you that maybe your friend wanted his relationships with his friends to be normal and not filled with pity or tears?  Not everyone wants to undergo Chemotherapy and traditional therapies that are difficult to tolerate when their days are numbered anyway.  Why can’t you find a way to respect that?  You are a woman.  Let’s pretend you are about to give birth.  Do your friends have the right to force their opinions on you about what style of child birth you choose, or whether or not you are going to nurse your baby? Can they insist that you have an epidural when you really prefer to try natural childbirth?  Grow up, Gloria.  You are choosing to suffer.  This stems from your inability to accept that you can’t always control things.  People do not owe their friends and family all of their private information.  If you’d like assistance for anger, grief, or in improving your emotional maturity, I would love to meet with you.  I wish you well, Gloria, and sincerely hope you will feel better soon.

-Danice Akiyoshi, ND

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Danice Akiyoshi

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

I was the victim of a violent crime 18 months ago.  It has affected me terribly.  I won’t ever be the same again and I cry all the time.  I am filled with fear and I struggle to go to my part time job.  I’m embarrassed by my weakness.  Relying on my family for help all the time makes me want to die.  My doctor pushed me to go to a counselor, but he was not helping me at all.  I went for six months and gave it a fair try.  I looked on your website and read about the Emotional Release work you do.  I think I need something like this.  Do you think you can help someone like me?  I need to get control of my life again.  Thank you.

-Sandra W.

Dear Sandra:

Yes, I absolutely do believe I can assist you in improving the quality of your life.  You are not weak.  You are suffering the effects of emotional trauma.  I have assisted many people in your situation.   The Emotional Release work assists with releasing the trauma from your subconscious mind.  Even though the memories and details of your ordeal are harsh, I believe I can get you to a point of feeling neutral about it, instead of highly charged and emotional.

-Warmest regards,

Danice Akiyoshi ND

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

My cousin was recently complaining about how awful she’s been feeling and how her weight has reached an unacceptable range.  We were having this chat when we met for drinks at my house.  After we had a glass of wine, she stepped out on my patio and smoked a cigarette.  When I said, “I thought you quit,” her response was, “I don’t smoke all week, only when I have drinks and on the weekends.”  I didn’t say anything further and we moved on to our favorite late night diner where she ordered a healthy meal, but asked me if I want to split a short stack of pancakes with her.  I declined, and mentioned our earlier conversation about her complaints about her weight and feeling awful.  I was caught by surprise when she threw her napkin on the table, stood up, and said, “I don’t need a mother,” and headed for the door.  I drove, so I knew she couldn’t leave without me.  I hustled to pay our bill and drove back to my house.  She went directly to her car and hasn’t returned my calls for five days.  Now I don’t know how I should handle this.  Was I wrong to point out her concerns?  I am miserable.  I probably should have stayed silent. What’s your advice?

-Frannie

Dear Frannie:

Unfortunately you got caught up in the, “I can put myself down, but you’d better not,” situation.  I have been in your shoes many times.  I also learned the hard way.  The way I currently handle situations like this is to ask my friend, “Are you just hoping to vent to a friend in order to feel better as you sort through your own thoughts and feeling, or do you prefer that I listen for awhile and then offer some sensible and sound advice?”  Then I smile and say, “It’s your call, I can go either way.”  This way, you’ll know exactly how to manage the conversation.  I do give you credit for trying to calm the situation, but your cousin is obviously emotionally immature.  You’ve been a decent person, made the proper phone calls to apologize and she hasn’t responded.  Your work is done here.  Get back to your own life now.  The ball is in her court.

-Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dr. Danice Akiyoshi

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

My roommate belongs to a church that reminds me of a gang.  They try to get him to teach classes, conduct religious meeting in people’s homes, knock on doors, and make and take phone calls regarding others joining the church. He’s politely told them that he doesn’t have that kind of time to dedicate to those tasks.  If he refuses, they show up at our apartment and try to intimidate him, saying since he’s behind on his tithing he has an obligation to do all of these other things.  I have watched him give in three times.  He is one of the nicest people I’ve ever met, so last week I called them goons to their faces and told them to get out of our house and to never knock on our door again.  This is my house, too, and I shouldn’t have to tolerate bullies pushing their way in.  Now he is depressed, fearing that his family will hear about it and be upset.  They belong to this church, too. He’s even asked me to call these bullies and apologize for being rude.  I won’t do it.  My roommate is a really nice guy, but I wonder if it’s time for me to move.

-Jack S.

Hi Jack:

Your roommate is nice.  In my opinion, he is TOO NICE.  He should not allow his personal choices to bleed over and into his roommate’s home life.  Make it clear that bullies are not welcomed by you in any capacity.  If the two of you are unable to come to an agreement on this, and get on the same page, give him 30 days notice and move out.  It sounds like the poor guy has no personal power and is unable to stand up for himself.  That’s a shame.  Keep in mind that getting out of this trap is an inside job for him.  He has to make the tough decisions and do it for himself.  Religion is a huge subject.  I don’t think you stand much of a chance of correcting this problem if he’s already asking you to call and apologize.  Wish him luck and ask him if he thinks he can get a new roommate in 30 days.  If he feels he can’t, kindly give him 60 days, but be firm and move on.  Take care, and good luck.

-Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dr. Danice Akiyoshi

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

I am a Vietnam Veteran.  I have been having severe anger episodes for the past two years.  Without going into details, I’ll admit that I have been dangerous on three occasions in the last year.  My wife said she would leave me if I didn’t call the V.A. Hospital and get some help.  The guy I spoke to upset me so badly that I cussed him out and hung up on him.  He called me right back and tried to calm me down, but he really just wants to increase the dosage of my anti-depressants and give me even more pills.  When I am angry like this, I’m beside myself.  More pills are not the answer for me.  What’s happening in our world causes me to feel that my sacrifices were all for nothing.  Just going to the Veteran’s Hospital infuriates me.  My brother in law has the same feelings.  Do you deal with problems like mine?  I need to get my head on straight. I want to smile again.

-James P.

Dear James:

I’m sorry you are struggling so badly.  Many veterans have shared similar feelings with me.   Anger, hopelessness and helplessness are strong emotions that can easily upset the balance of your life if they last too long.  In your situation, I would use an Emotional Release technique that is designed to neutralize trapped and unprocessed emotions in the subconscious mind.  I’ve witnessed amazing results with people in your situation.  If you are open minded and interested in trying a new approach, I believe you can experience great relief with Emotional Release work.  Please address your situation.  If the Veteran’s Hospital is an upsetting place for you, be honest with them about that, because it is very important to have a qualified doctor monitoring your medication.  You must always keep this in mind whether or not you’re trying new therapies.  Let me know if I can offer further guidance.

-Warmest Regards, Danice Akiyoshi,N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dr. Danice Akiyoshi

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

My husband has recently started taking a new medication.  It has drastically changed his personality.  It helps his medical problems, but it takes away his interest in spending personal or intimate time with me.  Our marriage is suffering.  I can tell he is uncomfortable when I mention the subject. We are too young to be in this situation (late 40s).  Help!

-S.W.

Dear S.W.:

If he is taking blood pressure or diabetes medicine, this is a common side effect and can often be remedied by simply changing the prescription.  Some acid reflux medications are also hard on a man in this way, as are anti-depressants.  Please encourage him to discuss it with his doctor right away.  Quite often, it’s as easy as trying a new medication.  If it turns out that there are emotional issues at hand, consider counseling so you can get to the bottom of it before it becomes a bigger problem.  It’s in your best interest to start the conversation.  Don’t delay. Allowing resentment to settle into your marriage is a mistake.  I wish you a smooth outcome. Let me know if you need any further guidance.

-Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Dr. Danice Akiyoshi

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

I recently betrayed my dear friend.  I spoke ill of her to some of our other mutual friends and I am mad at myself.  I was frustrated and suffering a weak moment when we were all out having drinks at Happy Hour.  I believe one of the women who heard me is bound to tell my friend about my remarks.  I am a terrible liar, and I feel so guilty.  I don’t think I can deny it if she finds out.  What should I do?  I am losing sleep.

-Avis P.

Dear Avis:

The fact that you feel so badly about making a disparaging remark about your friend tells me a lot about your character.  If I’m right about that, I think your dear friend is pretty familiar with your decent character, too. Please meet with her right away, hopefully before she hears it from one of the others.  Explain that you were frustrated and having that weak moment and that you just feel horrible about the unbecoming comments you made.  Ask her to forgive your poor judgment.  Look her right in the eye and promise that it will never happen again as you apologize.  Make sure you keep that agreement.  Good Luck.

-Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dr. Danice Akiyoshi

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

I am a helpful, nice person, but I’m tired of my husband volunteering my time for everything.  If our neighbor puts her back out, he volunteers me to make dinner for them for three days.  If someone in the carpool can’t make it, he volunteers me to take their place.  If someone is having a refrigerator delivered, he says I would be more than happy to wait at their home for the delivery man. If his family needs anything, then he volunteers me.  He feels free to do this because I have my own little business. I do medical billing and I work from my computer at home.  He thinks I can just pack up my work and cart it around anywhere.  Because of these constant interruptions, I am often up until midnight trying to finish my work.  He doesn’t know this because he’s in bed at 9:30.  I don’t mind helping people, but I’d like to do it on my own schedule, not his.  How should I approach this?

-Pamela F.

Dear Pamela:

It sounds to me like your husband doesn’t take your work very seriously.  I don’t know enough of the story, but I wonder if he under values the financial contribution you bring to the household.  Or perhaps he struggles with his own self esteem and wants to be a people pleaser.  Unfortunately, this is at your expense, not his.  To get to the bottom of it, why don’t you ask him if he’s fine with you putting your business on hold, as well as the money it brings into the household (slight sarcasm)? Explain that then you will be free to do all of these errands he keeps setting up for you.  If he says the family needs the money, this gives you an opening to ask him to respect your business as if it were actually important to the family.  If you’d like a more direct approach – which I always like best – advise him that he is no longer free to offer your time or services without your permission.  It really is just a matter of respect.  Let me know if you need additional assistance with boosting up your personal power.

-Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dr. Danice Akiyoshi

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

New neighbors just moved in across the street two weeks ago.  I was doing yard work as I watched the man working hard unloading boxes into his garage.  When I went inside to make sandwiches for my kids, I decided to make him one too.  He was very grateful for the plate of food when I walked across the street and introduced myself.  I told him my husband’s name and the names of our two sons and even our dog’s name.  He told me his wife’s name.  Being neighborly, I told him if they needed anything to let us know.  The guy was very nice and appreciative.  A few days later, I happened to see both he and his wife working in the garage.  I walked over and introduced myself to her this time.  She sneered at me and gave me a terrible look as if I were her personal enemy.  He looked very uncomfortable and apologetic, but he never said a word.  I quickly excused myself and went home.  I am afraid to even look in their direction now.  Did I make a mistake by taking a sandwich to the man?   I am very confused.

-Debbie A.

Dear Debbie:

I just hate to hear about a person who feels wrong, confused or diminished for being kind hearted, and in your case, generous.  I think you are witnessing a huge disparity in the way the power is distributed in the household across the street.  The man is obviously bullied by his wife, and of course that is none of your business.  It’s a shame that you will not be able to develop a friendly relationship, but accept it for what it is.  You can’t save people from themselves.  If he chooses to live this way, steer clear.  If he waves, wave back, but keep a safe distance.  If his wife is so insecure that she openly sneered at you, she’s way too much drama.  Nice people like you don’t need this sort of negativity.  Sorry this didn’t work out, but please don’t change.  You seem like a wonderful person.

Warmest Regards,

Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Dr. Danice Akiyoshi

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

Both of my parents passed away two years ago.  My sister was very dependent on both of them.  Now that they’re gone, she looks to me to entertain her at every holiday and birthday, as if she were still a child, and bail her out financially when she makes stupid mistakes.  She never pitches in for anything that doesn’t directly affect her.  She makes comments like “mom and dad would want you to take care of me.  I’m the baby of the family and you make more money than me,” (she is 47).  Neither of us is married, but I don’t want her to think that she can lean on me for the rest of her life.

-Fed Up in Walnut

Dear Fed Up:

Your sister has a sense of entitlement.  Make it clear that you have no interest in acting out the role of her parent or spouse.  I’m guessing that your parents did her a major disservice by allowing her to arrive into middle age with this degree of emotional immaturity.  Make it clear that your role is that of a sibling and not a caretaker.   Be honest about the fact that you no longer even see her as enjoyable company because of the way she takes you for granted.  If you have feelings of guilt, or have trouble standing up to her manipulation tactics, I would be happy to assist you.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dr. Danice Akiyoshi

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

I have a friend who is very controlling. Every time we get together, we have to eat where she wants to eat, and see the movie that she wants to see. If I say we did it her way the last few times and make a suggestion, she gives me the silent treatment. Every time this happens, I tell myself to never go out with her again, but when she calls I cave in and do what she wants. I really do like her company most of the time. I’m weak, I know. I need help! Thanks in advance.

-Lynn

Dear Lynn:

You are obviously easy going, and that’s a good trait, but in this case it’s causing you to feel taken for granted. It would be a good idea to set up a fair system with your friend. Continuous feelings of being taken for granted will eventually diminish your self esteem. I think expanding your friendship base would also be a good idea.

-Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dr. Danice Akiyoshi

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

I am very attracted in my friend’s ex-girlfriend.  They broke up over a month ago, and I can tell she’s looking at me in a new way, too.  We all go to the same gym.  I don’t want to hurt my friend, but I want to ask her out.   How should I approach this?

-J.S.

Dear J. S.:

This is a tricky situation.  I’ve seen it go well, and I’ve seen it go horribly wrong.  I have a few questions for you to consider.  Are both parties completely over each other?  Are they mature?  Will anyone suffer humiliation? Do you have mutual friends, therefore making the situation awkward?  Do you want to take the risk of losing your friend over a new person to date?  Has enough time really gone by?  Please look ahead a few months into the future and decide if you can live with the possible consequences that may occur if you date your friend’s ex-girlfriend.  My personal opinion is to wait six months.  If you still feel the attraction, then approach your friend and see what his views are, and make your decision at that time.  Don’t rush on this if you value these relationships.  Thanks for writing.

-Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dr. Danice Akiyoshi

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

I am in my early 20s.  I have worked as a secretary for my uncle’s company since I graduated high school.  I have finally saved enough money for the down payment to buy a new car.  When I was applying for the financing, I discovered that my uncle used my social security number and credit to buy himself a car.  When I confronted him, he admitted that he didn’t have enough available credit to buy his car.  He said I would have no problem getting financing because he would co sign for me.  He also asked me not to tell my dad (his brother) about what he did.  Now I don’t trust my uncle, but I don’t want to lose my job.  Please help me know what to do.

-Theresa

Dear Theresa:

I’m just going to come right out and say it.  Your uncle is a criminal and a rotten relative.  What he did is illegal and you could easily press charges against him.  He has no right to “borrow” your social security number, along with your financial identity to buy himself a car.  At your young age, I’m doubtful that you have the developmental skills to know how to deal with a person like this.  He has no regard for your well-being and you should definitely tell your dad what has happened.  I think you’re going to need someone with experience to help you correct this situation.  Start looking for a new job immediately.  Do not rest until his fraudulent charges are cleared from your credit.  This is so important for your future.  Good Luck.

-Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.