Tag Archives: Our Life

Our Life

The LA Transplant

By Julia Rohrabaugh

I moved to Los Angeles just over a month ago from a small town in Northern California. I’m what the Angelenos call a ‘transplant,’ someone who has recently moved to LA. My Nor Cal roots are in the central foothills, a very different environment to So Cal. We have rolling hills and one-lane roads, where here there are 8-lane freeways and desert land. Traffic here is a topic of daily conversation, so much that they call their freeways by name—The 10, The 405, The 101—and this is just the surface level of contrasts. In the beginning, my life felt surreal, like this big move was temporary arrangement, or a dream. I didn’t feel home yet, and as impatient as I am for security, this frustrated me.

Moving to a new place where I hadn’t established myself was an unknown feeling. I could be whoever I wanted, really. There are so many different people in LA, and so many different cultures, so you can be different without stress, or an explanation. It was freeing. After the initial excitement of the city faded, thinking about this also makes me sad. Feeling freedom when surrounded by people who I don’t know, those don’t know me? I did not come to LA as an escape from previous experiences, but it was then I became aware of how unhappy I must have been up north. I realized the amount of pressure I felt to do and act in ways that conflicted with who I felt I was or what I wanted to do with my life, my career, and my time. The fear of imperfection and judgment was debilitating. As a result, I avoid intimate relationships in fear that letting someone get to know me will reveal my flaws.

Going back up north for the Thanksgiving holiday made me feel the permanency of my move to LA. While I was home, I realized how the city had affected my mental health. With only five weeks in LA and I felt calmer talking to family members, sure of my decisions, and confident in my future. I wasn’t scared to talk about my ideas, job prospects, or what I’ve been doing with my friends. Without fear in my mind, I had the capacity to think and converse better. I was more secure of myself than I can remember. Driving south on The 5 finally felt like going home.

It’s said that during the holiday season we are more giving and less judging of people. I challenge you to ask yourself why this is only seasonal. How do you treat the people you love during this season, and how does it compare to the way you treat them all year round? Check your relationships, and communicate. Do not give up on these people, but forgive them for their mistakes. Understand, because they really are just trying to do the best they can, the same as you. Our struggles may be different, but the emotions are the same, and that is something we all have in common. No matter how far away you are, you can always talk to someone. There is no reason to wait, because what really are you waiting for? Don’t wait to become a transplant in an unknown city to figure out you haven’t been fair to the ones you love.

Our Life

Lost Love

By Michael Armijo

I stood there in the courtyard, and waited.  Her little eyes, her bright smile, her warm hugs…I was waiting for them all.  It would be just a few minutes before that bell would ring, it would be just a few minutes before my little love of life would run out smiling, wrapping her arms around me proclaiming, “Daddy, I love you.”

The bell rang and I stood there.  I watched; I waited.  I sought her out, but she didn’t show.  Hundreds of kids ran by and I made eye contact with each and every one of them.  There wasn’t a chance that she would’ve gotten by me.  My mind knew what she looked like, what she resembled, and all her characteristics.  I was like a machine, scanning the crowd, like a robot with a mission.  I was waiting for someone who made my life complete, who I had given my heart to, who I trusted with my feelings, my spirit, my life.

After most of the children passed me by, I felt a sensation of panic.  I felt a sense of fear.  I was afraid that I had lost one of the only people in life that I knew loved me, unconditionally, and now, who would be there in the end?

When I felt that panic, when I felt the fear of losing someone I really loved, I wondered why. Why did I feel so fearful?  Why was I so afraid?  Why did I feel such a sense of panic?  And then I remembered what had happened.

I remembered my mother, my father, my family.  I remembered how much they loved me, how they took care of me.  I remembered giving my 8-year old heart to those who I thought I could trust.  I remembered how one day my life changed.  I still don’t recall how, and I still can’t understand why, but for some strange reason, when I was growing up my life was filled with love and joy, and then one day it was all taken away.  All that I knew as a child, all that I trusted, was ripped from my heart, and then ripped from my soul.  And no one explained why.

After the inconsistency of that environment, I found new love from girlfriends in high school.  And then they too, like my family, left me, and took parts of my heart with them.  I remember, at 16 years of age, standing in the aisle of Sav-on, stocking shelves, while tears poured from my eyes.  I was hurt, I was devastated, and I was alone. Again, someone whom I had given my heart to had taken away a piece of my inner self.  And again, they left without a word.

It took so long for me to love again, to fully trust people, but somehow I did. I began to give my heart, or what was left of it, to others whom I felt I could trust.  I slowly began to rebuild my life, or so I thought.

The way I felt that day so many years ago when I couldn’t find my daughter, when that sleeping giant of fear woke up and looked around – I remembered the pain, and the sorrow and I remembered how much love hurt.  I guess that when I waited for her, those feelings of abandonment returned, and I was afraid of losing yet another love in my life.  I didn’t have much heart left to lose; I couldn’t stand to go through what I had experienced so many times, and so many years ago.  But I faced those demons of fear and abandonment and grew from my pain.  I simply refused to let my past interfere with my future.  I had worked too hard to let irresponsible acts of yesterday interfere with what I had built for today. That day, I found my daughter, and I faced my fears.

As each day passes, I thank God for the opportunity to feel feelings and emotions that some people will never feel.  I thank God for being able to enjoy my life with a smile and a hug.  More importantly, I thank God for allowing me to understand that someday I may lose the ones I love, but not to fear, because today is the day I will enjoy their presence, their love, and their joy.  And when they’re gone, I will still make wonderful memories, so that I can remember that God has given me a beautiful place in my soul – free from past pain, free from fear and abandonment, and free from lost love.

 

Our Life

The Ledgeour-life-story-web

By Sarah Sanchez

I have a friend who gave an analogy to explain her depression to me. She said that some days she felt like she was standing on a ledge, barely holding on. She said that sometimes she felt like letting go of that ledge, but as she “let go” she felt others still “holding” on to her. Her point was that when she felt like giving up, she had someone who still believed in her and wouldn’t let her give up.

 

How many times have we felt a depression like this? How many times have we wanted to take the easy way out and give up? With the stress of finances, relationships, work, family, and busy schedules, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed and defeated. It’s easy to feel like giving up and not want to get up in the morning. It’s easy to feel like we’re ready to let go of the ledge.

 

But as we let go of that ledge, we can feel the others that are still holding on to us. Maybe it’s our friends or maybe it’s our family that’s still holding on. Or maybe it’s just one person in our life who we have impacted enough to still believe in us. All it takes is one person: one person who hasn’t given up on us, one person to keep going for, one person who’s worth living for, and one person who will keep holding on to us. But, will we keep holding on for them?

We have the power to be that one person in a loved one’s life. We have the tools to show unconditional love to those around us and to maybe change a life enough for someone to keep getting up in the morning.

 

But the big question is: are you that one person who is capable of impacting someone else’s life? Or are you the person who needs to get down from the ledge?

 

Our Life

Leap Of Faith 

By Sarah Sanchez 

I worked for ABC Public Relations for the last nine years of my life. It was my very first job back when I was 16 years old; I rolled newspapers for some extra cash. I had a few other jobs but ultimately I stayed at ABC PR and went through a variety of different positions within the company. I worked hard to learn every aspect of the company because I just wanted to be a resource to our clients. Then eventually after all those years, I became Vice President of Operations.

Earlier this year, I was presented with an opportunity for a position at California Baptist University, which is where I received my Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology. The position was even in my field of study.  So I felt that this was a perfect opportunity to use my degree to advance in my career. There were a variety of other reasons for taking this job, such as I’d be able to get my Masters Degree almost paid for and I’d be working at the school that changed my own life. Deep down I knew I couldn’t pass up on this opportunity, but I’ll be honest, it was very hard for me to leave my position as VP.  I was leaving a company where I had so much responsibility and purpose, all in order to pursue a job that I had no idea if I’d even like. But I decided to take the position with a week and a half notice and I jumped into a world that I knew nothing about. I decided to take a leap of faith.

At first, it was extremely challenging to be in this new environment. I was with new people, doing new tasks, and in a place that was extremely out of my element. I will admit that I had moments of weakness. I had moments of frustration, crying in the bathroom, and regret for leaving my familiar job. I had a moment of doubt, wondering if I could do this new position and if I made the right decision.

But now that I’m two months in, I realized that this is what I was meant to do. If I had never taken that leap and jumped into a completely different world, I would’ve never been able to change the lives that I have changed so far at CBU. Recently, I had the opportunity to help a student receive the funds so she can pursue her dream of attending CBU to finish her education. She was so excited and filled with so much gratitude that it made me realize: this is why I’m here.

Sometimes it’s hard for us to take risks. I know it was extremely hard for me. But now that I’m on the other side of the worry tunnel, I realized that every bit of the struggles were worth it.

Maybe you have a job you need to leave, a dream you need to pursue, a place you want to visit, or a project you need to finish. Whatever it is, it’s time to stop procrastinating. Don’t put it off and don’t worry about the outcome anymore. Believe in yourself and believe that you can do it. It’s time to start today. It’s time to pursue your dreams. It’s time to take a leap of faith.

Our Life

One year of love

By Michael Armijo

There’s a song by Queen called “one year of love” that brings me peace. The song talks about how the singer had “one year of love, which is better than a lifetime alone.”

I’ve chosen to apply this song and this philosophy to my life and to the death of my friends.

At times I chose to sulk and miss those who were close to me and who are now gone, but I now reflect on how lucky I am to have had “many years of love” instead of “a lifetime alone.” I am very fortunate to have such beautiful memories when others have none, when others are left to walk this earth lonely and fearful.

Today marks the anniversary of the death of one of my closest and loving friends. I can cry about our past or I can remember how fortunate I am to have had so many years of love and friendship. I choose the latter.

It’s during these trying times our abilities and our philosophies are tested. And, I believe, how we spend this time of pain and reflection is a testimony of how strong and appreciative we are for that love and friendship. I also believe if we do sulk and wallow in pain, we are then insulting that friendship. We are ignoring that love. These people who are placed in our lives are placed there for a reason. We are fortunate to have such experiences and wonderful memories.

So today I will not insult the love I received from these individuals. Today I will appreciate that I was fortunate enough to have such valuable and priceless memories given to me. It’s just like giving a gift to someone: when you are given a gift, like a jacket or a warm scarf, you wear it and it comforts you when you’re cold and alone. You have that feeling of warmth and memory or their thoughtfulness with you. When that person is no longer in your life, do you throw out that jacket or scarf? Or do you keep wearing it and utilizing it for as long as you can? My friendships and loving memories should be the same: I will not discard them and throw them out by being hurt and feeling sad because they have left us against their will. I will not sulk and wallow in selfishness. I will not discard those wonderful and priceless times that enhanced my life and contributed to the success that I worked so hard to achieve and deserve. I will remember those precious gifts that were given to me and I will continue to wear them to warm my heart and comfort me during chilly times and loneliness.

So today I smile. Today I enjoy. Today I remember and cherish those wonderful gifts that were given to me to warm my heart and comfort me. And I will be thankful that I will, once again, have “one more year of love.”

 

Why Remember?

By Michael Armijo

I once read a story about a 9-year old boy named Travis, whose mother died at home one day. Without telling a soul, little Travis covered her body with a coat and he placed sheets of notebook paper over her face. He learned to fix his own meals – mostly frozen pizza, cereal, and soup – cut his own hair, and attended school without fail. He did this for over a month because he was afraid he’d be placed into foster care if anyone found out his mother passed away. The mother’s body was eventually discovered by family friends. Travis begged them not to call the police.

When I read this story I was moved to write about it from my perspective. A friend asked me why I sought out areas in life that are so traumatic, so emotional, and so powerful. He asked me why I seemed to focus on elements of life that are painful, emotional and disturbing. He asked me “why remember?”

It amazes me what life brings you. It’s like an old, enormous tree that sits in your neighborhood. One day it catches your eye and you tell yourself, “I’ve never noticed that huge obstacle in front of me before.”

Although that tree has been there and developed throughout your life, you never realized that you’ve had to go around it every day. You’re so busy trying to survive that the small detour has become a part of your daily routine.

I kind of feel that my emotions are like that tree. I’ve driven past them for so many years without really paying attention. I kept wondering why it took so long to get anywhere productive; why life was such a hassle for me. And then one day, for a reason only God may know, I noticed this tremendous obstruction in my life that I was going around and avoiding over and over again. I finally became fed up and decided I wasn’t going to go around it anymore – I was going to drive right through that humongous tree.

It was never my plan to have to go and examine the landscaping of my life. I thought I was supposed to follow the path that was laid out before me. But somewhere along the way, I developed a source of confidence that somehow convinced me that the path laid out before me was vulnerable to manipulation. I realized that I could change where I was going and how I was getting there.

I believe there are experiences in life that give you freedom and confidence, but sometimes you end up in a stagnant period where you have to take a moment to sit back and reflect. And during this reflection, you sometimes feel resentful of the circumstances that are before you. You realize that someone in your life planted seeds that grew into this enormous tree that distanced you from the success you feel you deserve. Somehow along the way, you’ve subconsciously watered those seeds and allowed them to grow into this enormous tree.

When you realize this, you get angry and resentful of your own carelessness and then you remember the selfish acts of irresponsible adults. You can’t change what has happened in your life, you can’t change these obstacles, those that have prevented you from going on with your life. It’s puzzling why we remember those horrid demons that have scarred our lives with darkness and pain. But, I have to ask myself: Why do I remember?

After asking myself that question I realized I had no answer. I then felt compelled to just let the darkness go and try to remember how great life really is. And although that huge and longstanding tree has strong roots that grow deep below the surface, the momentum I carry can uproot these life altering emotions and I can grow and love like many others.

And just like Travis, who used a few pieces of notebook paper to cover a painful sight, hoping that no one would discover it, we can ignore those chapters of our lives. This is why we must ask ourselves: “Why Remember?”

 

The Great Pretender

By Michael Armijo

I remember dressing up like batman, the little Kmart suit with the plastic mask. I remember watching SWAT and grabbing a stick like it was my machine gun. I remember trying to lift the car because I wanted to be Steve Austin, the 6 million dollar man.

You would think it was healthy to give your imagination a chance to flourish, to enhance your creativity. However, without proper guidance, explanation, and influence, you never realize the difference between reality and fantasy. Without that, the lines of reality are blurred, so you embed in your mind that when life seems difficult you can act like a child and become someone you’re not.

I remember being stressed to a point that I felt I could no longer take it. So I went out, drank, and became someone I wasn’t. I pretended to be someone that didn’t exist, someone I never was and never could be. I reverted to my child like instincts and put on that Kmart batman mask, and I picked up that SWAT stick while trying to lift that car. I became the great pretender.

While acting like I was a college scholar, a big shot in my company or a racing car driver, I really felt alive. I felt like a complete human being because my mind was hungry to be complete, like a child wants to become a super hero. My lies were my super power and my reality was my kryptonite.

So as I pretended throughout my life, I liked the escape of not being who I was. Abused and neglected. Deceived and tormented. Tortured and ridiculed. Worse off, verbally accosted and left to play violent and damaging tapes of lies and pain. Pretending was an escape, which helped me not only overcome the pain I had been suffering but allowed me to feel like I was normal for a while. It made me feel as though I was a human being. Something I’ve been looking for so many years.

These incidents happened so quickly and many years have passed. However, today the memories are still haunting.

Today I will embrace my desire, to be something I’m not, to be someone who makes me feel complete. Someone who helped me wear a mask for so many years. Today I am still, deep inside,

The Great Pretender.

Big boys don’t cry

by Michael Armijo

By Growing up in an era where men were perceived to be stronger and more dominate than women, I can’t help but remember the age old adage of: “big boys don’t cry.” I’ve even embedded into my mind a belief that was riddled into my head: “there are only 2 reasons why a family isn’t functioning properly: the problem is the absence of a father, or the problem is the father.”

I believe that in this day and age this old adage is no longer accurate. Many women raise their children on their own, and sometimes they are a couple of women raising children together. And their kids turn out fine. So what’s happened to the “big boys don’t cry” philosophy? Does it still apply? Do we still follow such advice?

I am an emotional man. I attribute that to my upbringing. My parents were fairly absent after I reached 6 years of age, and I spent the bulk of my time hiding from an angry father while being raised by six sisters. These once beautiful women taught me to love each other, respect each other, to be considerate, and to always look your best. They also taught me to be sensitive and to be in touch with my emotions. This goes against every fiber of the philosophies that were embedded in my mind while growing up as a male.

I believe there are times when a man should cry, to allow his emotions to be set free. I believe a man should know and acknowledge what’s in his own heart. To release the pressures of his mind. We need such releases that could, at some point, cripple us as human beings. Make us believe changing your partner is the answer when it really just adds into the problem. To run away because you found someone who you feel comfortable letting your emotions out to. Something that you were taught to do.

We need to understand that the more we ignore these feelings, good or bad, it allows us to become distant human beings. Until we find something, or someone, that will allow us to be free from such dark-age philosophies.

So, as each emotion builds up inside of me, and as each tear slowly makes its way out of my eyes and down my cheek, I realize we should all know what’s in our souls that’s left to trickle down to the surface. And this makes me believe that I no longer have faith in the ancient philosophy that big boys don’t cry.

My Fear Cycle

By Michael Armijo

While attending a Labor Day barbecue, I sat and talked with a group of interesting friends. As we shared our lives, one person mentioned that they were in training to be a therapist. When asked about how they were doing, they shared some points that I thought were interesting. The biggest question was “why do couples divorce or break up?” There were many reasons, such as money, age, frustration, lack of confidence, etc. But one point she shared grabbed me by the heart of my spirit.
“People don’t realize that we all have a ‘fear cycle’. What happens within our lives, especially as we get older, something happens to tap into that fear cycle”. And then she went on….. “We sometimes mistake someone triggering our ‘fear cycle’ as a change of heart or as a personal attack. This can ruin a marriage or a relationship unless you are aware of what’s going on.”
Our “fear cycle” includes unpleasant memories, traumatic instances, painful scenarios, lost love, and many other life impacting, unwanted experiences.
This concept intrigued me as I’ve never heard of it before. I’ve never heard about such a thought process. This cycle can include fears of abandonment, pain, fear of the unknown, misunderstandings, loyalty, anger, and so on.
I have experienced many of these, so in retrospect, I can see how so many have tapped into my “fear cycle”. I completely get it. It wasn’t their fault. It wasn’t mine. It’s a behavior that I must understand in order to not let it impact my life.
Understanding this has taught me a few things about myself: When I get depressed I feel awkward and lonely. I feel abandoned. And during these particular times within my life, I feel I’ve been attacked by family or friends. But I now understand that something or someone is tapping into that “fear cycle”
I believe that when you’re aware of something, you have a better chance of either understanding it, controlling it, or beating it all together. I believe in fate. God put me here for a reason, and he’s put me through many things for a particular reason. More importantly, as I struggle through life, I have a better understanding about what transpires because I try to understand it, figure it out, and then fix it. And most importantly, as I am spiritually attacked, and when incidences cripple my soul, it confirms that something or someone out there is trying to stop me from making a substantial difference within my life and the lives of others. This tells me that I am of value. An enemy would never attack anyone unless they feel threatened. I am a threat to the negativity of life because I hold special abilities.
The bible reminds me that I do not have to be prisoner to my “fear cycle,” that my spirit can take me somewhere else. “Fear and trembling overwhelm me, and I can’t stop shaking. Oh, that I had wings like a dove; then I would fly away and rest! I would fly far away to the quiet of the wilderness.”

Psalms 55:5-7.
So, without sounding over religious or over spiritual, I will admit that I will continue to pray and ask God for guidance. I will continue to push myself through the bad experiences, the painful memories, the poor decisions, and the hurtful people who continually try to hurt me. Because I will acknowledge and protect through prayer and faith the biggest obstacle that constantly tries to interfere with my life: my “fear cycle”.

Remembering To See The Beauty

By Sarah Armijo

I went on a Missions Trip to Haiti with a team of about 12 people. This was the first time I had ever been out of the country and had ever been on a Missions Trip, so I decided to make it count by going to a 3rd World Country.

If someone mentions Haiti, some think of the earthquake that happened in 2010, some think of poverty, some think of diseases and some think of the corrupted government. Even though all of this is true about Haiti, now that I have been there, these aspects are not the first things that come to my mind. When I think of Haiti, I think of the beautiful mountains that surround the villages. I think of the clear blue water of the Caribbean Sea that some of my teammates were fortunate enough to get baptized in. I think of the fields of delicious crops that the Haitians grew themselves in order to survive. I think of the Haitian people in the villages waving at us and saying “Bonswa” (meaning hello in Creole) as you walk through the villages. I think of the smiling children who ran after our car just to get a glimpse of an American, as if we were famous.

When I think of Haiti, I can’t help but to think of the beauty of the country, mainly because of how welcoming the people are. We were strangers to these people. They didn’t know what we were doing there or what we were even saying, but they welcomed us into their homes, they let us hold their children, they let us pray with them, they smiled at us as we walked by, and they said hi to us as if we were another Haitian in their everyday lives. Even the Haitians (both children and adults) who could speak a little bit of English would try so hard to just have a simple “Hi, how are you?” or “What’s your name?” conversation with us…those small talk conversations we all dread in the United States.

You see, Haiti IS filled with poverty. It is filled with houses that are made of tree branches and tarps. It is filled with people who barely have food, clothes, and water. It is filled with people who shower once a week in a river in the middle of the day. It is filled with people who walk miles just to get a jug of water for their families. It is filled with people who rely on the sun to know what time it is or when it’s time to go to sleep, because they don’t have electricity. And it is filled with thousands of children who don’t have parents or families.

Knowing this, the first thing that probably comes to our minds is: how sad. How sad it is to live in this kind of environment. How sad it must be to have a child run up to you and hold your hand as you are walking through the village, just because they are seeking for affection. How sad that children are running around without clothes or diapers on, because their parents can’t afford it. How sad that some of the people survive on a meal of rice once a day. How sad.

But you see, despite all this, I think the real statement is how sad we are. How sad it is that we have so much in our lives, have so much food, shelter, clothes, family, water… and we take it all for granted. We waste it. And worse, we strive for more.

The Haitians are the complete opposite. They are praising God every second of every day for the little they have. They are appreciating every second of life and every scrap of food they can provide for themselves and for their families. They even appreciate something as simple as a picture we printed out for them, because they had never even seen their own face, let alone have ever had a picture of themselves.

There are so many little things we take advantage of because we tend to forget how fortunate we really are. So my challenge to you is to start noticing the beauty in your lives, and to appreciate everything you have. Start appreciating your family, friends, food, water, electricity, clothes, jobs, and for the amazing country we live in. Because as one of my teammates brought to our attention in Haiti: we didn’t earn this lifestyle. Almost all of us didn’t work hard to be here in America. We were just born into a fortunate country, while others around the world were born into poverty. There was no difference or special task we did to be here. But as our team leader said, with that great fortune is a responsibility. We have a responsibility to appreciate every little thing we have, and a responsibility to help the ones that don’t have much.

I hope you will take the challenge to start appreciating the wonderful country we are fortunate to live in. I hope you will take the time to tell your loved ones how much you are thankful to have them. I hope you will stop striving for more, and start giving more instead. And I hope you will always remember to see the beauty in everything.

 

Lost Love

By Michael Armijo

I stood there in the courtyard, and waited.  Her little eyes, her bright smile, her warm hugs…I was waiting for them all.  It would be just a few minutes before that bell would ring, it would be just a few minutes before my little love of life would run out smiling, wrapping her arms around me proclaiming, “Daddy, I love you.”

The bell rang and I stood there.  I watched; I waited.  I sought her out, but she didn’t show.  Hundreds of kids ran by and I made eye contact with each and every one of them.  There wasn’t a chance that she would’ve gotten by me.  My mind knew what she looked like, what she resembled, and all her characteristics.  I was like a machine, scanning the crowd, like a robot with a mission.  I was waiting for someone who made my life complete, who I had given my heart to, who I trusted with my feelings, my spirit, my life.

After most of the children passed me by, I felt a sensation of panic.  I felt a sense of fear.  I was afraid that I had lost one of the only people in life that I knew loved me, unconditionally, and now, who would be there in the end?

When I felt that panic, when I felt the fear of losing someone I really loved, I wondered why. Why did I feel so fearful?  Why was I so afraid?  Why did I feel such a sense of panic?  And then I remembered what had happened.

I remembered my mother, my father, my family.  I remembered how much they loved me, how they took care of me.  I remembered giving my 8-year old heart to those who I thought I could trust.  And then I remembered how one day my life changed.  I still don’t recall how, and I still can’t understand why, but for some strange reason, when I was growing up my life was filled with love and joy, and then one day it was all taken away.  All that I knew as a child, all that I trusted, was ripped from my heart, and then ripped from my soul.  And no one explained why.

After the inconsistency of that environment, I found new love from girlfriends in high school.  And then they too, like my family, left me, and took parts of my heart with them.  I remember, at 16 years of age, standing in the aisle of Sav-on, stocking shelves, while tears poured from my eyes.  I was hurt, I was devastated, and I was alone. Again, someone whom I had given my heart to had taken away a piece of my inner self.  And again, they left without a word.

It took so long for me to love again, to fully trust people, but somehow I did. I began to give my heart, or what was left of it, to others whom I felt I could trust.  I slowly began to rebuild my life, or so I thought.

The way I felt that day so many years ago when I couldn’t find my daughter, when that sleeping giant of fear woke up and looked around – I remembered the pain, and the sorrow and I remembered how much love hurt.  I guess that when I waited for her, those feelings of abandonment returned, and I was afraid of losing yet another love in my life.  I didn’t have much heart left to lose; I couldn’t stand to go through what I had experienced so many times, and so many years ago.  But I faced those demons of fear and abandonment and grew from my pain.  I simply refused to let my past interfere with my future.  I had worked too hard to let irresponsible acts of yesterday interfere with what I had built for today. That day, I found my daughter, and I faced my fears.

As each day passes, I thank God for the opportunity to feel feelings and emotions that some people will never feel.  I thank God for being able to enjoy my life with a smile and a hug.  More importantly, I thank God for allowing me to understand that someday I may lose the ones I love, but not to fear, because today is the day I will enjoy their presence, their love, and their joy.  And when they’re gone, I will still make wonderful memories, so that I can remember that God has given me a beautiful place in my soul – free from past pain, free from fear and abandonment, and free from lost love.

 

Four Table Legs

By Sarah Sanchez

I work with the youth ministry at our local church, so I’m around teenagers about twice a week, in addition to talking to them almost daily. As I’ve worked with the local youth, I’ve begun to understand that they have a lot more to deal with than when I was in school.

It’s a lot easier for a teenager to feel overwhelmed with the pressures of today’s society. To us adults, their problems may not seem like a big deal because we know there is so much more to life and so many more responsibilities that our teens haven’t even dealt with yet. But a teenager doesn’t understand that.  When something significant happens, their whole world can feel like its falling apart – which can lead to serious depression or even suicide.

I like to think of a teenager’s life as a table with four legs. If you knock out one leg of the table, it will begin to fall.  In comparison, one leg represents one part of a teenager’s life. When you take a part of it away, their world starts to feel as if it’s falling apart, just like the table. If you knock down all the legs, they can feel as if there is nothing worth living for, which is what triggers the depression and suicidal thoughts. So understanding your teenager’s table legs is crucial to being able to help them.

Based on my experience, a teenager’s world consists of the following four table legs (typically in this order of importance):

Leg #1: Friends/Dating Relationships. I put these two in the same category because it’s usually one or the other. If a teenager is in a relationship, it means they are spending all their time with their boyfriend/girlfriend and aren’t spending much time with their friends. But if they aren’t in a relationship, all their free time goes to their friends. Of course, there are a few exceptions.

If your teenager was just dumped or is being excluded from his/her group of friends, it’s a big deal to them because this is their number one priority in life. They can’t just go off and sit with new friends. Haven’t you seen the movie “Mean Girls”? (“You can’t sit with us!”)  I remember sitting in the bathroom and eating my lunch by myself when my high school friends were mad at me, because that seemed better than walking up to a group of strangers to eat with. It doesn’t make sense, but a teenager’s thought process doesn’t always make sense.

Leg #2: School. This is where your teenager spends most of his/her day, so it’s actually pretty important. If your teenager is a junior or senior, they have a lot of pressure with SATs (these are insanely hard now!), graduation, and college applications.

If that’s not enough, what also falls under the school category is social status, which is everything to a teenager. A lot of my students struggle with self-esteem issues because they care so much about what their peers think of them. And with teenagers on five different social networks at a time (yes, there are now at least five of them), it’s a lot easier for their life to be made public. If something in their life is posted on social media by a peer, it can not only jeopardize their social status and cause them to be isolated from their peers, but a mistake can even haunt them for the rest of their life (said in the dramatic voice of a teenager).

An example might be if your teenager decides to go drinking with their friends (oh, don’t act surprised; you were a teenager, too), and someone records them being drunk – that video can end up on any or all social media avenues. One click of the “Post” button can share the unfortunate incident with friends, who can share it with their friends, and so on – perhaps even going viral worldwide.  One post can change your teen’s life.

Or maybe they are even the ones posting the fate of someone else.  The guilt associated with either action can really affect a teenager.

Leg #3: Extra Activities. This category is for anything outside of school and friends, whether its sports, theater, work, or volunteering. These activities are very important to a teenager because they’re spending their free time doing them. So whether they are doing it for fun, money, or for their college applications, they are getting something out of it. But with the perks, comes the stress of succeeding in whatever they are pursuing. And don’t forget the stressful competition that goes along with that.

Leg #4: Family. Yes, sadly, family is usually last on the priority list (it’s nothing personal). With school, activities, and friends taking up most the day, there’s not much time left for family. However, even if you hardly see your teen, they are very aware of what’s going on at home. It’s probably my most popular prayer request: parents fighting, financial struggles, family feuds; the list goes on and on – I’ve heard some crazy stories. So imagine your teenager struggling with friends and the pressure of school or extracurricular activities, and then you top it off with them hearing about your marital or family problems. All this can push them over the edge with stress that they don’t need. If they are around this turmoil enough, it could affect them more than any of the other categories.

It’s important to understand how any of these falling legs can affect your teenager’s life. I suggest that you talk openly with your teens, even share your own experiences with them; and don’t take their depression lightly.

In my group of about 15 girls, almost all of them have admitted to being bullied, eight have suffered from major depression (53.3%), and four have admitted that they have either attempted or thought about suicide (26.6%). These are just freshman girls. They just entered high school and have already struggled with serious issues. Luckily, they are getting professional help now.

Is your teenager suffering from depression or suicidal thoughts, too? Are they receiving the love and professional help they need? Have you taken a step back from your busy life to notice if they’re handling theirs?

Growing up, my dad used to tell me that no matter what I did, he and my mom would never stop loving me. He told me this to make sure I knew that there was nothing in this world that was worth committing suicide for because I always had two people who would love me no matter what mistakes I made. That statement meant everything to me. Yes, I still struggled with depression and even suicidal thoughts growing up, but when it came down to it, I knew it wasn’t worth it because my parents would love me no matter what I did.

So, please, try to understand your teenagers (and their table legs) and show them unconditional love.  You never know if one day it might be too late.

 

Standing In The Light

By Michael Armijo
Doug was a simple guy who had worked hard to be “normal.” His upbringing wasn’t the best, but Doug beat the odds and found life within his spiritual realm. He found God and decided that his true place in life was with Him. He wanted to come out of the darkness and stand strong into the light.

One day Doug stood in line at a mini-mart when a young woman came in. He immediately noticed her long brown hair, her beautiful eyes, and her slightly crooked smile. She raced in for her purchase, and without noticing, dropped a fifty-dollar bill on the floor.

As he hesitated, Doug remembered his obligation to stand in the light. He remembered that he attends church on Sundays, and needs to do what is right; but he didn’t. A little voice in Doug’s head whispered, “Pick up the money and put it in your pocket.” He picked up the fifty, placed it in his pocket, and turned the negative into a positive by bragging about how “lucky” he was.

Soon after, he reexamined his actions and tried to justify them. He thought to himself, “God wanted me to have this money; he knew how much I needed it.” And then the guilt set in. He wasn’t comfortable attending church on Sundays, and he began to run from his guilt by not caring anymore. Doug was lost to guilt and temptation.

Several weeks went by and Doug’s dishonesty grew. He felt content about his new place because he received things he didn’t earn; he took things that he didn’t deserve. His ‘cheating the system’ helped him receive tangible items that he usually couldn’t afford. And then one day a friend invited him back to church and Doug was faced with an uncomfortable decision: Do I continue my wicked ways, or do I go back to the light?

If Doug was to give up his newfound lifestyle, he would then have to change what he was taking from others. He would have to exchange his financial riches for spiritual ones. Honesty would once again have to prevail in his life. All the taking, which had grown into a disease, would have to transform into giving. But Doug was afraid of doing what was right.

I believe that honesty doesn’t just happen, and to many, it has to be taught. To truly stand strong in the light requires commitment and focus on the bigger picture. And although life has given me unpredictable waves that have created confusion within my own life, I still believe that there is something out there, a higher power, and an incredible universe that shines brighter than imaginable. In those moments when we do the right thing, when we feel inexplicable happiness and peace, we draw from this power and feel the benefit of this light.

I hope for Doug, and the many others who have fallen into the darkness of life, that they can overcome their fears about love, affection, honesty, intimacy, goodness and truth. And is it really easier to live in that fear within the darkness? When we are able to overcome and understand who we really are, where we are going, and what we believe in, these elements of truth help keep us free from sin, pain, and being fearful. At that time we will have no fear, and we will stand strong with our hearts full of that light.

Home Of The Brave

By Sarah Sanchez

My family and I went to a baseball game together a few years ago. A talented singer sang the Star Spangled Banner beautifully, as usual. I’ve heard this song countless times before. I’ve done the Pledge of Allegiance every day since I started school. These songs were routine, just another part of the agenda when we attend a public event.

However, this baseball game was suddenly different because I happened to look over at my mom during the Star Spangled Banner song. There she was singing along to the song, smiling, and with tears in her eyes. I asked her why she was crying and she said she always cries during that song because she remembers the day she officially became a citizen of this great country.

My mom was born in Mexico and she came to this country with her family when she was a little girl. She said she’s grateful to live in this country because her family looked for a better life here in America, and that’s what they received. She said she will always remember the day she became a citizen: waving the little flag and hearing the National Anthem play. She said that every time she years that song, she’s reminded of that exact day.

I was truly touched by that moment at the baseball game because it’s such a routine to hear that song for us natural born citizens. Some of us will sing along because we’ve heard the song so much, some will cheer after the singer hits that amazing high note, and some of us will just clap in approval because the song was performed well.

But what we don’t realize is that this song means more than just something to be played at a sporting event. This song is our national anthem; it represents our country; it represents the freedom we have that many around the world don’t; and it represents the many brave soldiers that have risked and lost their lives for that freedom.

We live in a great country, despite the flaws we may have. We live in a fortunate country with a lot of opportunity, despite that fact that most of us inherited that fortune by just being born here. So every time we hear that Star Spangled Banner song, it should be more than just a routine. We should sing that song with pride, listening to and meaning every single word…It should remind us of how fortunate we are to live in the land of the free and the home of the brave.

Monster-In-Laws

By Sarah Sanchez

There’s a movie called Monster-In-Law that came out in 2005, starring Jennifer Lopez and Michael Vartan. The two actors play a couple that fall in love and are engaged to be married. But Michael’s mother, played by Jane Fonda, makes it a mission to tear the couple apart. She’s defined as the “Monster-In-Law”, as she goes to extreme measures to make sure her little boy doesn’t get married.

The movie was such a hit because many couples have been in similar situations with their in-laws; many probably consider them to be their “Monster-In-Laws”. In-laws have such a bad rep that new brides will often complain about her husband’s family. Maybe there is a mother-in-law that is too involved or too controlling, or a sister that disapproves of the bride. Then, a division will be created because the groom suddenly has to pick sides between his bride and his family. Or maybe it’s vice versa and the problem is with the bride’s family. The situations usually have one similarity: there’s a problem with the in-laws.

But I don’t believe this has to be the norm. The problem that couples don’t realize is that when two people get married, two worlds are colliding into one. There are two different families who were raised differently, act differently, and have different views than what the other is used to. It’s not bad, it’s just different; but we often think it’s wrong.

It’s easy to talk badly about the in-laws or cut them off completely after a disagreement. But as I wrote in a previous article called Ten Things They Don’t Tell You About Marriage, #4 states that When You Say ‘I Do’, You Marry The Family Too. The in-laws are not going anywhere. When you decide to get married, you marry your spouse and his/her family. They are now your family too.

That might be a scary thought for some of you and maybe even a deal breaker. But it doesn’t have to be. The way I see it is that we should be thankful to have our in-laws because it just means we have more people to love! Many people in this world don’t even have a family due to loss or unfortunate situations. But here we are with four potential avenues of family: our mom’s family, dad’s family, spouse’s mom’s family, and spouse’s dad’s family. That’s four sets of people that we have the opportunity to love, to get to know, and hopefully receive love from. We should put our differences aside and take advantage of these people placed in our lives.

Family is everything to me and I’m thankful to have so much family, both relatives and in-laws.

The day I married my husband was the day I gained a spouse, but it was also the day my husband’s cousins became my cousins, his aunts became my aunts, and his uncles became my uncles too. And when we have kids one day, my kids won’t know them as my in-laws or even Monster-In-Laws. They will know them as their aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents. They will know them all as our family.

The Carpenter

By Michael Armijo

I received an email a while back that has always resonated with me.  I find myself thinking about it from time to time, as the words it contained often remind me to work hard and be proud of what I’ve accomplished.  It has encouraged me to continue to keep my heart within my work, as you never know what life will bring you. It is good advice, no matter who you are or what you do, and I share it with you now.

The Carpenter:  An elderly carpenter was ready to retire. He told his employer of his plans to leave the house-building business and live a more leisurely life with his wife and extended family.  He would miss the paycheck, but he needed to retire. They could get by.

The employer, who was sorry to see his good worker go, asked if he would build just one more house as a personal favor. The carpenter said yes, but in time it was easy to see that his heart was not in his work. He resorted to shoddy workmanship and used inferior materials. It was an unfortunate way to end a dedicated career.

When the carpenter finished his work the employer came to inspect the house. He handed the front-door key to the carpenter. “This is your house,” he said, “my gift to you for all of your hard work and dedication.”

The carpenter was shocked; what a shame! If he had only known he was building his own house, he would have done it all so differently.

So it is with us. We build our lives, a day at a time, often putting less than our best into the building. Then with a shock we realize we have to live in the house we’ve built. If we could do it over, we’d do it much differently. But we cannot go back.

You are the carpenter. Each day you hammer a nail, place a board, or erect a wall. “Life is a do-it-yourself project,” someone once said. Your attitudes and the choices you make today, build the “house” you live in tomorrow. Build wisely, and remember:  Work like you don’t need the money. Love like you’ve never been hurt. Dance like no one is watching. Enjoy life like it’s your last day on Earth.

 

A Better Place

By Sarah Sanchez

I went on a mission trip to Haiti with a team a few years ago, and the team and I always talk about how much we miss Haiti. But I think it’s strange that we’re talking about how much we miss a Third World country, where people live in poverty and barely have enough food to eat. The other day, I really thought about what it was that I missed about Haiti and the first thing that popped into my head was the people.

The Haitian people who lived in the villages were always so friendly to us. They would wave at us as we walked by, have us hold their children, or ask us to pray with them. They were welcoming everywhere we went. They treated us as if we were family, even though we were strangers who didn’t even speak their language.

The Haitian children were a whole new level of friendly. Whenever we had an opportunity to play with the children, my arm would end up being tired from holding so many of them and my legs would be tired from running around with them the entire day. At one point, I had a little over ten children surrounding me, each fighting to hold my hand, trying to play with my hair, trying on my sunglasses, asking me questions in Creole or doing anything to get my attention. The funny part was that as soon as I turned around to look at them, they would give me the biggest smile. The love they showed us was truly remarkable.

It wasn’t until we were back in a United States airport that I realized how different Haiti was. The moment I realized we weren’t in Haiti anymore was the moment I turned to say “Bonswa” (meaning hello in Creole) to someone, and I didn’t see a smiling face like I was used to in Haiti.

It’s amazing to think that I miss a country where we didn’t have any electricity, where we didn’t have clean water, where we barely had enough food, and where  I’ve sweated more than I’ve sweated my entire life. But still, I have the urge to go back just so I can see those friendly faces and feel that special love all around me.

The question I found myself asking is: why do I have to go back to Haiti to feel this way? Why can’t I have that same feeling when I’m in my own hometown? Why can’t we be friendly to one another here? So I ask you to please help me spread love around the community. Say hi to one another, smile at each other, open doors, help with grocery bags, or carry out a simple act of kindness to show a stranger this love. As the years progress, I find the world becoming less civil. But who says we can’t change it? Let’s work together to make this world we live in a better place.

 

My Son, My Sun

By Michael Armijo

I sat there on the brown, lacquered bar stool, with my arms on the counter, my face in my palms, and then the crowd walked in. Although there was a group of them, one stood out like a court jester on the royal throne. He was obviously the life of the party.

In a beat of the heart, I saw a reflection of myself as the loud, happy, party-goer. I remembered being that young man, feeling life on the edge, living with joyful enthusiasm. And then in another beat of the heart, I saw something else that scared the hell out of me. I saw a reflection of my son.

You see, the life I once lived, I am not proud. And I was scared for my son. I knew he would have to endure many of the emotions whose presence must move us. I knew he would have no choice but to learn many lessons the hard way. And I knew he would have to travel some paths that I too had to endure.

But I was still afraid. I didn’t want him to have to deal with the problems that I was exposed to: the adult decisions I made as a child; wandering through life guideless and fearful. To walk a path that my heart still refuses to acknowledge existed. I was afraid for him. Although he was older at the time, he was still my little boy.

I still remember how proud I was, when for the first time, he reached first base in Little League. I remember how I felt when he caught the winning pass during his first season of playing football. He is a grown man now, but I can still remember his tiny little smile, and his cute little “Ricky Ricardo” hair style. I can still remember his playful joy, and his childish, comedic grace. Always giggling, always dreaming of being a superhero – a Ninja Turtle, Batman, or Spiderman. The many Halloweens allowed him to be them all.

Although I miss those days, the days of holding him completely in my arms, I can still feel his childish warmth. My son makes me feel proud over and over again. His kindness, his joy, his talent, and most importantly, his gentle heart, brings waves of radiance that shine on my soul. He is not just my son, but the ray of light that come from his wonderful heart brings me all the light in the world. My son will always be the light in my life, because he will always be my ever-burning Sun.

 

When Did Fear Become Your Master?

By Michael Armijo

When I sat at my desk, I felt this uneasy queasiness overwhelm me. It was a nauseating feeling as though someone had kicked me in the stomach. Although the “beating” was over, I could still feel the soreness. It lingered as long as my failure to act lingered. I knew I had to march into that office and begin my new quest of pursuing my dream. But I just couldn’t do it that day, so I waited. And then I waited. Soon, the wait went from hours, to days, to weeks, to months, and then it finally went on for years. I was too fearful to leave. I was too afraid to pursue a career I’ve always dreamt about.
How many times have you heard or felt: “I just can’t do it, I’m too afraid”? How many times have you heard or said: “maybe someday, but not right now”? Or the worst feeling of all: “I just can’t love again because I’m afraid of being hurt.” Every time I hear those phrases, I have to ask, “When did I become so fearful that I just couldn’t make a move?”
I’m a firm believer in the philosophy that you can do whatever you want in life and that you can have whatever you desire. You can be whatever you want to be. A single emotion can hold many of us back (and has held me back many times), when fear interferes with a goal. Maybe it’s a desire. A passion. A dream. When fear takes hold of those things from your mind and cheats your heart, it can take things from your family as well.
My father claimed he was a cautious man, he did things what he SAID was out of caution. I believe it was completely out of fear. He set out to do many things but he never did, although he had the means to do so. He acted like a pauper, but he died with almost a million dollars in property.
You see, we have the confidence inside us; the confidence we’re born with. It’s a confidence we deserve. I believe when we carry this and our ability, we become whatever we want to become. But when fear overwhelms us, it starts to take control. You don’t take chances when you’re fearful and you don’t roll the dice. Instead, you let fear overpower and overcome that birth-given confidence. This is the time when you have hit a low in your life. This is a time when you paralyze yourself. A time you are actually standing still. Because this is the time when fear has become your master.

The Eye Of The Beholder

By Michael Armijo

It was a warm yet windy day filled with strong sorrow. The air reflected a deep sense of respect as people gathered to say goodbye to a friend whose spirit had left the earth.

As everyone gathered, the vibrant, wooden casket lay atop the ground as the family huddled closely around. The youngest, a young boy, gazed at the casket while tears flowed from his swollen eyes. He walked up and laid his cheek on the rigid, shiny, wooden box, as his white-gloved hands gently caressed the top of the last home his father’s body would ever have. He laid gentle kisses on the top of the casket, as his unconditional love was reflected in front of all those who watched. A gentle whisper was heard a row back; “Did you see that? How sad.”

When I heard those words, “how sad,” I felt something deep inside that disagreed; something that didn’t see the message of sadness when the boy showed his emotions. Instead, I saw an act of love. A love so strong, it displayed the true meaning of unconditional love; something deep inside that didn’t care if the world looked on or what people felt. This was a feeling of purity, of joy, and of strength.

I believe old proverbs and words of wisdom, and I believe we all see life in certain light, and sometimes, in certain darkness. I also believe that when we express the darkness, which surrounds our lives, it spreads like a contagious and cancerous disease. It attaches by simple contact, clings like a dependent child, while deteriorating in a short amount of time.

I’ve learned that opinions are only perceptions of a person’s immediate thinking, and reflections of someone’s inner self. What we see is usually what we feel, what we feel deep inside. Without realizing it, we express past experiences, deep histories, insecurities about our future, and we reflect the perception of our own lives.

I also believe that when we see life in its darkest hour, we have the opportunity to see life through the brightest light. For some, it’s a short path traveled to a place inside that holds our mind hostage from our heart. For others, it’s a level of confidence that sits deep within that’s been damaged by a careless act from an irresponsible adult.

I also believe that the true meaning of life can only be understood through beauty and joy that sits deep in our hearts. The vision of what will come can only be seen through the eyes of a believer of life. I feel the truest form of emotion can only be felt when a person can feel the presence of a higher power, a stronger entity, something or someone greater than themselves.

I understand that life is not always what it is expected to be. It changes moods like a spoiled child. But I also understand that life can be what we want it to be; all we have to do is apply our hearts in front of our minds. Following what we truly feel, not what we think we see, is the only way to put aside our petty angry thoughts and our insignificant bitterness. Because just as the young boy who helped bury his only father, the tears that flow from our swollen eyes are tears of love that can only be understood when beauty is in the eye of the beholder.