By Michael Armijo

Well it’s here. The day has come where I must find peace.  I must find a safe place, free from anxiety, fear, and neglect. Free from self destruction and harsh memories. A place protected, just as a mother would do. I am here to feel loved.

My life has not been full of paved roads or lawns of freshly cut grass. We were not privileged nor were we maintained at an acceptable level. But there was one thing we were: loved.  This is why I constantly seek acceptance in a world that sometimes does not understand my heart.

My life is different than most, but it is filled with love – just as I was taught as a child. I learned to feel love and accept it as well.

As my struggles come and go, I am thankful for my unconventional life. It has given me the ability to survive. I feel things at a very high level, and because of that I can sometimes see the goodness when others cannot.

So I now have a quest. I cannot fail. I am surrounded by love. And I am in love. But in order to honestly feel that love, I must be focused and content, open and honest, loving and caring.

I attribute all of this to the way I was brought up. And although I may have feelings of sorrow and abandonment, because of my mother, I will never feel unloved.

This is why I will never be a motherless child.

By Michael Armijo 

I recently realized the level of pressure that has been placed upon me. I never asked for it, I never sought it out; it just graciously appeared upon my doorstep. Someone “rang my doorbell” and simply ran away.

I don’t believe it’s the level of pressure you have in life that defines you, I believe it’s your ability to cope with that pressure. For me, coping has been somewhat of an issue, and pressure seems to keep mounting within my life. In the past, I’ve been unable to thoroughly and responsibly cope. But I remember reading somewhere that if you give it all up, you will become a new man.

So after failing several times last year, my drive and desire to be a better man has kept me from quitting. I don’t come from the greenest of pastures, nor have I traveled a paved road. So for me to build a home on a solid foundation has been quite difficult.

I know I cannot blame my present on my past. Nor can I predict a horrible tomorrow based on a bad yesterday – although these things constantly try to ruin what I have today.

The thing I’ve come to realize is that yesterday is not running today, I am. I am the only one who can allow the horrid experiences, bad memories, and painful encounters to interfere with the ones I love, the joys I’ve experienced, and the future I deserve.

What is significant to me may be insignificant to others.  Is the glass half empty, or half full?  Is the grass greener, or just artificial turf?  Some people have no glass and no grass. Some of us complain about the shoes we wear while others have no legs to stand on.

So what does it take for me to realize how fortunate I really am?

There are times within our lives when we have to put things in perspective. I’ve experienced things in my life that have changed me emotionally.  At first I caved and allowed my past to take over and interfere with my ability to cope. I have driven away almost everyone that truly cared about me, and when I had the opportunity to rectify the situation, I just simply walked away. It hurts to realize that I could not cope with the pain, and that my actions created even more pain for me and for others.  One day I came to the realization that I no longer liked who I was.

I remembered my childhood – being abused, hurt, lying on the ground desperately trying to defend myself against a grown man.  And I also remembered getting up. I was able to find a new way, a new path.  I found survival instincts, again and again.  I thought, “If that little boy could do it, why can’t I?”

So today I am thankful that I have the incredible ability to survive; that I have the ability to overcome – because I have, over and over again. And yes, my glass is half-full and my grass is greener than any home on my block.  And just like that little boy who picked himself up with tears in his eyes and a wounded heart, I’m going to keep getting up.  I’m going to keep surviving.  And just like that little boy, I am choosing to become fearless.

By Michael Armijo

My grief counseling session in the office above a little tavern has concluded for the day, and once again, I am moved.

I love to talk to people and share life experiences; it’s like reaching for the light.  Bright and vivid rays project from others as they share love and friendship, and I enjoy hearing other perspectives on life.

Recently someone shared with me that they felt safe when they spend time with me. I was happy that I could make someone feel that way in a platonic relationship. When you’re dating and feel safe, it’s usually love that provides protective feelings.  But if you subtract the love and can still make someone feel safe, to me, that means you are generally a good person. I feel like I am, and have held onto that concept and carried it around for a while.

While in therapy, we talked about the verbal and physical abuse my siblings and I suffered as children.  And then that concept of safety slipped into the conversation.

“Michael, when was the last time you felt safe?” my therapist asked.

I sat there silent.My mind spun around with images of the different stages of my life.  I saw flashes of particular times and places as they ripped past my eyes.

I realized that I couldn’t remember the last time I felt safe. I didn’t even know how to describe what it felt like to feel safe. It was just a concept that was too far away for me to understand.

I believe these feelings have come up mainly because my mom is ill and may never recover.  And generally, moms have the ability to make a child feel safe.  Now that my mom may be leaving us, that feeling of safety she brings has already begun to depart. She is here physically, but mentally and emotionally her dementia is starting to rob us all of her presence and the safety it brings.

So another obstacle comes into my life. Another hurdle to leap, another bullet to dodge. Another situation that requires me to overcome while trying to continue to “keep moving forward.”

I’m sitting outside the tavern, admiring the serenity of the tall trees.  I am enjoying the moment, and for now, I will try to embrace the place that I am in; serene and quite, like the trees.  Right now I am at peace.  There is no turmoil, no expectations of me.  As I close my eyes and shut out the rest of the world, right here in this moment…I am safe.

By Michael Armijo

It’s 5:52 in the morning, and I am on my way to a Bible Study that is almost an hour away.  Why would I travel so far, so early, on a Saturday morning to join these like-minded men?

Over the past few years I’ve lost several people – two of whom were good friends that I spoke to on a daily basis. So now, as time has passed, I find myself heartbroken and lonely. I’m always seeking to replace at least one of those friendships with someone else with whom I can be honest, open, forthright, and someone who will listen to me whether I’m right or wrong…especially when I’m wrong.

I’ve had my share of friendships that ended with me feeling abandoned and that I was just too wrong, especially during a crisis. Lord knows I make mistakes often enough, but true friends would stick by me no matter what – just like those lost friends that I cherish and miss so much.

What I’m learning is that I continue to try to be myself, but feel that not everyone can accept who I am. It takes years of understanding, development of loyalty, and compassion.  These types of friendships aren’t cultivated overnight.

As I find myself alone, I realize that I keep trying to push relationships forward, most likely to replace whatever I am lacking.  My therapist said I have a huge hole inside of me and I keep trying to fill it, but I have to come to the realization that this hole may never be filled again.  I may have to walk this earth like a wounded soldier; like I’ve lost a leg or an arm – perhaps never feeling whole again.

And while I do have friends, most are busy and unable to give me the time that others have in the past; although it is comforting to know that they exist and that they do care for me.

So, as I drive to my destination in the early morning darkness, deep in thought, I’m looking forward to Bible Study and the camaraderie of its purpose; the brotherly hugs and warm handshakes.  I will keep working to get past the mourning that has been my companion, and look forward to relationships that will make my heart feel safe once again.

This Bible Study may be God’s way of telling me to just be thankful for what I have had in the past, what I have now, to stop seeking replacements, and instead BE a friend to someone with all the unconditional love and care that I have been so lucky to have experienced.

By Michael Armijo

Terminal Uniqueness:  The belief that no one, anywhere, in any situation, has ever faced exactly what you are facing.  Nobody.

During a recent grief counseling session at my therapist’s office above a tavern, I learned about Terminal Uniqueness, and what that phrase means to me.

I think that at certain times in our lives, we believe that we are terminally unique.  It is usually associated with times of dramatic or traumatic change, when we feel totally alone, and that no one could possibly understand what we are going through.  We feel our particular situation is so different, that it has never even come up before.  Sure, there are similar circumstances, but nothing that would allow anyone to truly get what we are going through.

I have come to learn that when we are distraught, we feel isolated from everyone around us.  But in reality, we subconsciously choose to feel this way; depression tricks us into believing the lies that we are alone and no one will understand.

The key is to reach out to someone in an effort to keep away from the isolation and the sinking emotions that come with it.  You’ve got to keep reaching until you find someone that will listen, and encourage you to let your feelings out, and keep you moving forward.  The people that care for you are willing; you just have to allow them in.

So, as I sit outside in the sun, writing this down, I am reflecting on a tough week.  Sometimes, healing takes you through an exhaustive process – emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually.  I am repeating encouraging words and positive phrases over and over in my mind; I’m trying my best to smile and appreciate the sound of soothing music and a nice breeze…and I am feeling Terminally Unique.  Unique in my thoughts, emotions, and life experiences, but realizing I can be blissfully together as I reach out to others that are also feeling unique.  Together we can achieve a Happily Ever After.

By Michael Armijo

Once again, I am above the tavern attending grief counseling, and I hold such a heavy heart.

I walked in unbroken and in good spirits, but as my therapist and I talked openly and honestly, I came to a realization: This is the way I used to talk with my close friends who have passed away. I guess I was in therapy each time I spoke to them, and I began to understand that a good friend really is the best therapist.

During our discussion, I recognized that life has many layers; and in our family, we have a layer of self-destruction. For me, this layer has been buried under my friends, my job, my son, and my daughter.

My son and daughter are now married, my business runs well, and my friends have died…and the layer of self-destruction is exposed.

My therapist said what I need to do now is find new meaning and purpose in my life.  Otherwise, my connections end up with empty feelings that I try and fill with the wrong substances.

Another interesting realization is that my self destruction is, for the most part, about people.  I have a tendency to seek some who are unhealthy for me. I have to be careful about my choices.

I left my session above the tavern with new intention.  I need to find a purpose in life that has special meaning for me that will perhaps eliminate that self-destructive layer.

I will continue to seek, and eventually I will find.  Amen to that!

By Jennifer Jester-Madrigal

There is a saying that says something about forgiveness being a gift you give yourself. The idea is that once you forgive those who have wronged you, you take that load off your own shoulders and release that poison from yourself.

This is true in so many ways, but never is that load so heavy as when it is your own forgiveness. It’s so much easier to forgive others than it is to forgive yourself. Often we judge ourselves so much harsher than others, and we make ourselves miserable trying to live up to some insane version of how we think we should be.  The truth is, we’re not perfect and we never will be.

Stop trying to be perfect and instead focus on who you are and the progress that you have made. Try and give yourself the same grace and charity that you give to others, and take a step back.

I do this all the time – I judge myself so much more rigidly than others and expect myself to always know better, do better and be better. But, I’m human, I mess up, I say the wrong things, do the wrong things, etc.  These things don’t make me bad and they don’t define who I am.  They are just mistakes.

Last year, I made some major life changes and decided to get real with myself. I was tired of making excuses and feeling guilty about poor choices I’ve made, and instead I took action. I forgave all those who wronged me, even if they never apologized. I set myself free from the burden of trying to make everyone else happy, and instead focused on just being a better person for myself and my kids.

The struggle to forgive myself has always been within me, and setting achievable goals has been a hard step to take. But, it’s working. I know in God’s eyes I’m amazing, and that He sees me for what I really am even when I am unable to. He sees the struggles, the heartache and all the good intentions. Most importantly, He has forgiven me.  If He can, who I am to say I am greater than He is and not do the same?

That’s the thing about mistakes and bad choices, they are so easy to do; but it’s also easy to convince yourself that you are somehow not worthy of forgiveness.

So finally, after years of hurting and setting unreasonable expectations for myself, I finally have made peace within. I gave myself the same grace that I give others, and I let it all go.

Forgiveness is truly the best gift that I have ever given or received, and it turns out I had the power inside me all along.

By Sarah Sanchez

There’s always a few days in your life that you’ll never forget. For me, it was when I was visiting my doctor, just before Thanksgiving, and she walked in and told me that my bad cholesterol was twice as high as it should be. The doctor said if I didn’t get my cholesterol down as soon as possible, I was at risk for a heart attack, diabetes, and infertility. That last one hit me hard, considering I just got married and children is all we ever talk about. I remember staring at her, trying to process the information I was just given; trying to hold back tears that suddenly filled my eyes. I couldn’t believe it. There was a possibility I couldn’t have kids, and I had high cholesterol at 23.

The doctor told me to change my eating habits, and to stay away from carbohydrates, sugar, and alcohol.  She prescribed medication, and sent me on my way. I walked out of the doctor’s office shocked and confused, with no idea what to do next. I cried a lot that week. I went into a bit of depression after imagining that I might not be able to give my husband a child because of my eating habits. I replayed the conversation in my head, confused on how this happened. My husband and I barely ate out because of finances, I cooked chicken or turkey meat almost every day, I didn’t drink soda or coffee, and I rarely drank alcohol. I just didn’t get it.

That following Sunday, my husband and I went to our couple’s small group and I completely broke down. Surrounded by people I had just barely met, I held my husband’s hand, told them everything, and I cried. I let it out. And I’ll be honest, I felt better. They were so supportive, offering recipes, a group diet, and prayer. I couldn’t believe the love I got from them, strangers that suddenly became my support group in a time of need.

After my breakdown, I just snapped out of my depression. I was motivated. There was no way my eating habits were going to be the reason I couldn’t have kids. My mind was set: something had to change.

With love and support from my husband, I spent the next three months changing my lifestyle. I monitored everything I ate and developed an exercise routine. I went on a protein shake diet for the first two weeks, and then maintained my weight by eating smaller portions of strictly healthy food. I also downloaded the “My Fitness Pal” app, which helped me realize what’s actually in the food I was eating.

It was tough to change everything at first. I felt ridiculous reading labels at Trader Joes and then looking up to see an 80-year-old man doing the same thing right next to me. But I stuck it out, and I’m happy to say that four months later, I’m down 12 pounds, I’m off medication, and my cholesterol is normal.

I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. This experience helped me to learn how to use low-fat alternatives, realize what foods are actually bad for me, and helped me build a closer relationship with my husband, family, and friends. My family was inspired to go to the doctor for routine checkups, too.

I think the most important outcome out of this experience was that I was able to feel better about myself. I’ve had low self-esteem since I was very young, and on every birthday since I was about 13-years old, I wished I was “skinny” when I blew out the candles. But every year, I never did anything about it. Having high cholesterol forced me to lose weight, and now that I have, I feel better where I am. This past year was the first birthday that I didn’t wish to be “skinny” because for once in my life, I felt comfortable with the weight I was at.

In the end, I realized having high cholesterol went from being devastating news, to being the best thing that ever happened to me. God always has a bigger plan for us and sometimes we need to stop looking at the problem that’s happening in the moment, and look toward the positive outcome that it can have in the future. So even though I’d never thought I’d say this, I’m thankful to have had high cholesterol at 23.

By Michael Armijo

Once again, I’m above the tavern in the office where I attend grief therapy sessions.  And just like on my previous visits, I am leaving with a lot of things to contemplate.  I’m unsure of what I learned at this particular session, as it was awash in emotion.

We touched on the fact that it was my sister’s birthday.  This particular sister is one of six that I have, and she passed away a few years ago.  Her heart gave out and she succumbed to her addictions. The way that she departed from our lives always left such a void; I loved her very much, and I feel like I should have tried to help her more.

My sister not only left us, she left her own children behind as well.  What saddens me even more is that while she was here, she stayed in a bad marriage for so many years.  Even though my sister eventually found the courage to walk away, her life still ended tragically.

I blame this on the way that we were brought up.  With all of the dysfunction and abuse we endured, my parents never split up.  I believe this subconsciously taught us to stay married despite unhappiness.  Our low self-esteem made leaving or being left too fearful.

I have everything I’ve ever wanted:  an easy job, my dream car, a home by the beach, money in the bank, and a loving family.  Yet I continue to try and fill a hole that seems without end.  You can search for someone or something to make you feel complete, even when you don’t understand what is missing.

Above the tavern I am learning what will fill that void.  I feel like I’m on the brink of finding answers and solutions.  I hope you find what is missing in your life, too.

By Sarah Sanchez

I married my best friend this past June, and I believe I’ve settled into the routine of my new married life.  I can look back over the last year and honestly say that no one prepared me and my husband for marriage. Even though we took a pre-marital course and were given advice from family and friends, there are still things that no one told us about.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love my husband and I love our marriage. This is not a complaining session, but an informative piece. If I had been given this list before the wedding, I don’t think I would have been so shocked with the changes. So pass this along to any engaged or newly married couples you may know, and you’ll save them a few surprises.

#7 – Communication And Compromise Are Key:  Marriage is about becoming one unit, and this “all for one, one for all” mentality can be a little tough to get used to. You will be making sacrifices throughout your marriage, mainly because it’s not just about you anymore; it’s all about the “we”. You are a team now and you need to constantly be on the same page. But if you communicate and compromise with one another, then both of you can be happy with the decisions that are made.

#6 – You Will Become One; But So Does Your Bank Account:  If you and your spouse put all your money into a joint bank account, all of it now belongs to both of you and you have to learn to budget EVERYTHING. This can be tough because budgeting your money makes you realize how much you need to cut down on going out to eat, and how much groceries and gasoline really cost.  My suggestion is to print out a budget sheet online, fill it out every month, and – oddly enough – actually follow it by writing down every expense you make every single day. Dave Ramsey has an awesome book and class you can take that will benefit you as well.               

               #5 – Men And Women Are Wired Differently:  This particular point actually became quite clear to us after reading a daily devotional called, “The Love and Respect Experience,” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. We learned that men and women are very different in almost every aspect: emotionally, physically, sexually, etc. As expressed in the book, a way to look at it is that women wear pink glasses and hearing aids, and men wear blue glasses and hearing aids. When you are in a disagreement, men occasionally need to put on the pink glasses and hearing aids, and women occasionally have to put on the blue glasses and hearing aids, in order to understand how the other is feeling.  Sometimes it’s just about perspective.

               #4 — When You Say ‘I Do’, You Marry The Family Too: When you get married, it’s a package deal, meaning the in-laws come along with the spouse. Therefore, it’s better to put your differences aside and try to be civil with one another.  A trick my husband and I use is that we confront our own families, and not our in-laws. For example, if the problem is with my side of the family, then I will be the one to confront the family member. But if the problem is with my husband’s side of the family, then he will be the one to confront the family member. That way, the relationships with our in-laws aren’t jeopardized with the confrontation. The bottom line is to try to find a way to keep the peace and don’t let the little things bother you. Also, remember that every family is different, so the way your in-laws act may be very different than the way you grew up. It’s not wrong, just different; keep that in mind.

#3 – Pick Your Battles:  There is a difference between a disagreement and a fight. From my experience, disagreements are more about bickering, while fights are the escalated form of a disagreement that usually includes some form of yelling at each other; perhaps a slammed door or two. My advice is to pick your battles, otherwise you’ll fight about the most ridiculous things. Our first fight as a married couple was about boxes.  No underlying issues.  Just boxes.  Everybody is entitled to their opinion, and there will be conflicts in your marriage; so aim for disagreements, not fights.

#2 – Learn to Embrace Your Spouse’s Differences:  You have to remember that you are two very different people who grew up in very different homes. There are certain habits, flaws, and pet peeves your spouse will have that may be very different from what you are used to.  As long as their habits aren’t hurting anyone, life will be much easier for you if you learn to accept your spouse’s differences instead of trying to change them.  You know how hard it is to change your own behavior, even when you want to.  The pressure increases significantly when someone else wants you to change a behavior that you’d rather not.  Refer to #3.

#1 – Your Spouse Is Not – And Will Never Be – The Same Person You Married:  This is the number one thing that they don’t tell you about marriage. It sounds bad, but it doesn’t have to be.  One of the most common reasons people get divorced is because their spouse is “not the same person they married”. Every relationship has phases.  For example, you start with the person you date (on best behavior); then comes the person you’re engaged to (you still know the person, but the façade starts to crack a bit); and finally, you end up with the person you marry (where, oh where, is my fiancé?).  So if you go into the marriage knowing there will be changes, your expectations will be better balanced.   I’ve only been married to my husband for eight months, and I can honestly say we both have already changed since the day we got married. I learn new things about him every day, even with dating him for four years prior. He has new dreams, new goals, and new personality traits I’ve never seen before. He’s noticed the same in me, too, and that’s okay, because we married each other for who we were to become, not the people we were at that moment.  You can be very different, and still grow together, which is the goal anyway.

Marriage is an amazing experience and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Yes, by the list above, it is tough and there is a lot of learning you have to do. But once you get it down, it’s so wonderful to have someone who cares for you, who loves you, who supports you, and is there by your side through all of life’s adventures.  For better or worse…”The best is yet to be, come marry me.”

By Michael Armijo

Over the last year, I have experienced more than my share of grief, and it has taken its toll.  In an effort to help alleviate some of the sadness, I have been attending grief therapy.  The office I visit for my sessions is above a tavern, just like something out of a novel.

In a recent session, I came away a bit relieved that I was able to find some answers to questions that have delayed some successes in my life.  I found out that I continue to “stuff” feelings of abandonment and fear down inside myself; and just like the silly joke can of snakes from childhood, you never really know how many turns of the lid it will take until the snakes explode in your face.  You can stuff things down for just so long.

I have learned that I need to face my emotions by allowing others into my life, and not fear relationships that tug on my feelings.  By learning to open up and trust those that I give the many pieces of my heart to, I will eventually realize that I can be okay.  Heartbreaks can heal.

That’s the thing about death; its permanence is formidable.  I need to understand that not all of life’s treasures will last forever.  Sometimes, the things you hold dear will come to an end.  But I am learning to reframe my expectations.

Like a beautiful work of art – a masterpiece – that you have the opportunity to see, you don’t mourn its loss after you see it.  You celebrate the fact that you were able to be in the presence of greatness with fond memories.  True, too, of special relationships that are no longer present.  I will treat them like artwork, enjoy their beauty and bask in their emotional light.  But I will try to remember that they may fade away like the memory of that beautiful work of art, and when I do think of them, it will be with love and fondness for what they brought to my life.

My sessions above the tavern are a work in progress.  The current task set before me is to enjoy the here and now of relationships; to enjoy their beauty and the meaning they add to my life today – without worrying about their existence tomorrow.  As the Bible says, tomorrow will take care of itself.