Danice Akiyoshi

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

A Letter from Blake

My wife is a terrible back seat driver.  She complains about my driving every time she’s in my car.  She says things like, “everyone is stopped ahead, and maybe you should take your foot off the gas.”  “You’re getting too close to that truck.”  “Why are you being so aggressive, let that guy get in front of you.”  “Please don’t take that phone call, traffic is busy; you need to pay attention to the road.”  And the list goes on and on.  I’m driving out in traffic all day.  I’ve had very few tickets or accidents in my life.  I am not a bad driver.  My wife only has a 15 minute commute.  I hate to criticize her, but she is not an expert driver and I’m tired of her comments.  How can I get her off my back? Thank you.

Dear Blake,

It doesn’t seem as if your wife is actually insinuating that you are a bad driver.  It sounds a lot more to me like she struggles with anxiety.  Do you notice this in any other areas of her life?  I think when it comes to your driving she’s not doing a very good job of communicating and you’re taking it as a personal insult.  If she were a better communicator, she might say, “I’m feeling a little nervous, would you mind slowing down…please don’t drive next to big trucks or talk on the phone in busy traffic, it makes me terribly uneasy.”  If she were to own this as ‘her’ problem instead of making you feel inadequate, would you drive more cautiously or perhaps be a little more passive on the road to cater to her comfort zone?  Experience with my patients tells me that it might be doubtful, because you’re hearing this as a personal attack when she is basically trying to communicate her fear to you. I hear this complaint in my practice all the time.  My ‘simple’ advice is to let her drive or invite her to do whatever it is that will help her to relax before she gets into your car.  Or you could be more considerate of her road anxiety. The best answer by far would be for her to address the underlying reasons for her excessive anxiety.  I hope she makes that choice. Good Luck to both of you.

Danice

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Danice Akiyoshi

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

A Letter from Shirley:

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi,

I am 86 years old.  I recently had a terrible cough so my doctor ordered a chest X-ray.  They found a very large mass on my lung and want to do further tests and a biopsy.  I have declined.  I am in pain almost every day with my back and I don’t want to deal with anything else.  They are suggesting I sign up for hospice care and that feels like a relief. I’m not sure how to tell my sons that I don’t want further treatment.  I don’t want them to be disappointed in me for not trying.   I’m tired and this ordeal seems like too much to handle at this stage of my life.  I’ve had a good life and I accept that it’s almost over. Can you suggest a way to help them understand my feelings? Thank you.
-Shirley

Hi Shirley,

You are a brave and considerate person.  In my opinion you have the right to handle your end days as you’ve handled all the days before them.  If you are not interested in any life prolonging procedures that might put you in further pain, that should remain your choice.  Tell your sons that you’ve been happy with your life, but that you’d like to only receive treatments that help you stay comfortable.  Tell them clearly that you do not feel compelled to agree to anything that is designed to prolong your life.  Make a kind request that they respect your wishes, especially if you should reach a point that you are unable to speak for yourself.    Remind them that you want to enjoy their company now and have no interest in arguing about medical procedures.  If you feel unable to have this conversation on your own, I would be happy to assist you. Warmest regards.
-Danice Akiyoshi ND

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Danice Akiyoshi

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi,

My mom’s best friend fell off the face of the earth about 10 months ago and it just crushed my mom.  This woman means the world to our family and we have really missed her.  She is like a family member to all of us.  She told my mom that she needed to take care of some personal business and we haven’t heard a word from her in all this time.  Last week, I saw her getting into her car at the mall with her sister and she looks like she’s lost 50 or 60 pounds.  She looked terrible and I think she must be sick.  I’m afraid to tell my mom I saw her.  I don’t want her to start crying again.  She cried for 4 months after her friend left.  I don’t know what to do, but I think our friend needs help.  Should I go to her house?  My family would do anything for her.  I’m mad that she shut us out this way.  We didn’t deserve this.  We were good friends.
-K.M.

Dear K. M.:

The issue at hand is not whether or not you and your family are good friends.  The issue here is that your mom’s friend doesn’t want any of you in the front row of her life as she deals with her issues.  Not everyone craves a large support system when they are struggling.  If your friend is out and about at a mall with her sister, she obviously has the strength to make a phone call to your mom or anyone else in your family.  She has not chosen to do this.  Accept and respect her enough to not barge in on her.  If all of you miss her, send her a card saying that you miss her and see if you get a response.  If not, my advice is to mind your own business.  Issues like this can be very complex.  Don’t make matters worse for her by making it about you or your family.  You may not know the whole story.
-Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Danice Akiyoshi

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

My niece is having her wedding on a cruise ship. Over 20 people from our family are invited to join them on this cruise.  My niece asked me if I would book the largest stateroom so I can babysit the youngest kids who aren’t old enough for the kids club.  This way, everyone is free to drink and go to the casino late at night.  I don’t drink or gamble very often, but that doesn’t mean I want the task of nightly babysitting.  I want to have fun, too. Now I’m not looking forward to the trip at all.  I would feel guilty if I cancelled.  I already said I would go, and everyone just assumes I will babysit because I’m not as wild as they are.  I feel like I’m not really a guest at all.  What should I do?

-Auntie M.

Dear Auntie:

It’s time for a family meeting.  Explain that you look forward to doing your part with the youngest members of the family in the evenings.  Then present a schedule with the names of all the viable babysitters.  Assign a night to each capable party or couple.  They are free to switch and trade off if they like, but make it clear that you intend to enjoy yourself too, even if you don’t choose to drink and gamble.  Do not feel guilty when you resist being taken advantage of.  Have fun!

-Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Danice Akiyoshi

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

I quit smoking three months ago and it’s been super hard.  I have gone from putting cigarettes in my mouth to putting food in my mouth instead.  I have gained 12 pounds and my pants don’t fit anymore.  I already feel bad and I know I need to do better.  It was my birthday three days ago and my boyfriend had a treadmill delivered to my office as my birthday gift.  I am self-employed and have plenty of room, but my face was burning with anger and shame when my boyfriend showed up during the delivery to ask me if I liked my gift.  I never mentioned wanting exercise equipment in my home or office, but his message is clear.  Feeling humiliated, I canceled my birthday dinner date with him and I am avoiding his calls.  Why would he embarrass me at work when I’m already going through a tough time?  I will never step a foot on that treadmill, I’m so upset.  He should have discussed it with me, and the surprise delivery to my office ruined my birthday.  He could tell I was quiet and said he was just trying to help me.  What bull.  I ignored him. Was he wrong in your opinion?

-Lisa E.

Dear Lisa:

First of all, I want to say congratulations on becoming a non-smoker.  Quitting is a very big deal and quite difficult for many people.  I agree, you didn’t need or deserve to be hurt on your birthday.  What description fits your boyfriend the best?  Is he completely dumb, insensitive, mean or passive-aggressive?  I hope he’s just sort of dumb and he really was just trying to help you.   Please take inventory of all of his other behaviors.  If he’s mostly a good guy, write this off to poor judgment on his part.  If he’s a passive aggressive, insensitive, or mean person who is trying to tell you that you’re becoming unattractive as you tackle your addiction, then you are probably doing the right thing to avoid him.  Only you have these answers.  Be fair though, you might be a bit edgy right now. Take a proper inventory of your relationship.  Good Luck.

-Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Danice Akiyoshi

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

A Letter From Anna:

Q:  I have twin daughters. They are both married and have two children. My husband and I have always kept everything in their lives fair and even as we were raising them. We now have a family dilemma. One of my daughters has complained to me that I seem to be spending more time with her sister’s family. I didn’t know what to say because it’s true. One household is warm and hospitable while the other feels like a stuffy showplace with a staff of workers (nanny, chef, maid) under foot while I try to enjoy my grand kids. I love my daughters equally, but my husband and I like to spend our time where we feel comfortable.  I would invite them to my home more often, but we recently downsized to a condo.  Any ideas would be welcomed?

A:  Help your daughter understand that we live in a world of preferences. For the most part, things are not personal. Give her a few examples. For instance, remind her that you like your steak medium rare and she likes hers medium. You like onions on your burger and she prefers pickles only. You like a bath, she likes a shower. You like to be simple and homey and she prefers a higher-maintenance household. None of this is personal, people just have preferences.  Help her see that you and your husband enjoy a more relaxed atmosphere. Offer to remedy the situation by meeting in restaurants more often or booking a variety of activities so you can spend time together without household staff in attendance. Ask her for suggestions to make this a good experience for everyone involved. This shouldn’t be hard to work out once you get the conversations started. Good luck!

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Danice Akiyoshi

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

A Letter From Loretta:

Q:  I just found out that my 38-year-old son is planning to move in with me.  He is in the middle of a divorce and apparently things are getting desperate for him financially because of attorney fees.  I heard this through the family grapevine.  I am a widow and I’ve lived alone for three years.  I don’t want a roommate at this stage of my life.  I would be more willing to loan him the money for his attorney fees.  My brother-in-law says this is cold hearted of me.  I love my son, but want a peaceful home.

A:  If living alone feels best to you, you should be honest about your preference. Living with someone is a big deal. Family grapevines are not always accurate, but if your son does approach you to pitch this arrangement, you should definitely express the ways you’re willing to help him while at the same time explaining that living as roommates does not work for you.  It is quite generous of you to offer financial support during this difficult time in his life.  You can offer emotional support in many different ways as well. Good luck!

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Danice Akiyoshi

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

A Letter From Nora:

Q:  My older sister accompanied me on a business trip to Las Vegas last year.  I invited her as my guest because she doesn’t get out much and I wanted to see her have a little fun.  On the first night she lost most of her money and consumed too much alcohol to the point of embarrassing me in front of my co-workers.  I never said anything about how uncomfortable I was.  Our annual trip is coming up again and she just assumes that I’m taking her again, but I don’t want a repeat of last year.  I don’t know how to tell her that I’d rather take someone else.  She is very sensitive and I don’t want to hurt her feelings. Thank you.

A:  Unfortunately, your sister is a social rookie.  Maybe she is just a lovable light weight who gets goofy when she drinks too much once in a while, or maybe she is a true social liability.  Be honest with her and explain that based on last year’s performance, she isn’t a suitable fit as your companion on a business outing, but you’ll keep her on the guest list for your next house party. Enjoy!

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her atstraighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi

A Letter From M.M.

Q:  My middle aged sister has been financially dependent on our father her whole adult life.  She has a decent job, but fails to live within her means.  My dad has always cushioned her life financially, but she remains a mess.  I don’t like to see her take advantage of him, but when I would bring up the subject, my dad would more or less say it was none of my business.  He said he felt sorry for her because she never got married.  I tried to understand his feelings.  Now my father has a terminal illness.  During a recent visit with him, he told me he knew he could count on me to take care of my sister after he passed away.  I just nodded my head, because I didn’t want to upset him when he is feeling so ill.  I am very angry and I don’t know what to do.  My sister never contributes anything to my dad or our family, but expects to get regular cash hand outs and other forms of support.  Any suggestions will be appreciated.  Thank you.

A:  I am sorry you are facing the loss of your father.  This is a very difficult time in your life so I will keep this simple.  Your dad is an enabler.  Your sister is a master manipulator and probably uses the emotion of guilt to get what she wants.  She most likely has a victim mentality.  And guess what?  It has worked where your father is concerned.  In a way, your dad has also used a subtle form of manipulation on you, when he said he knew he could count on you to pick up the responsibility for your sister after he is gone.  Guilt is a powerful emotion, but nothing good ever gets accomplished from prolonged guilt.  Notice how he never really “asked” you.  He does not leave any room for a negative response from you.  I’m sure he is not feeling up to a big conversation about this, so just forgive him and move on with finding your own way to deal with your sister.  Based on results, your father’s financial assistance has never really assisted your sister at all.  You say she is still a mess, right?   Real “Help” should empower a person.  It’s obvious your sister is disempowered by your father’s hand outs.  So, what your father provided was never really help.  He enabled her to stay dysfunctional.  Quite often, people like your sister end up resenting the people who help them stay in their bad situation.   And in many cases, they form a sense of entitlement that defies logic.  They feel weak and helpless and blame their caretaker for it, therefore feeling no remorse when their perceived requirements get out of balance.  When you do for others what they should really be doing for themselves, you diminish their opportunity for growth, personal power, and basic dignity.  Based on these guidelines, offer to “Help” your sister if she really wants to improve her life and explain that she must be a full participant.  Make it clear that you will not carry her as your father has done.  Healthy, able-bodied adults should take personal responsibility for their own lives. My hope is for you to start a new way of behaving in your family.  Breaking the old cycle will benefit all future generations.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her atstraighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi

A Letter from a Frustrated Friend:

Q:  My best friend has not returned my calls for the last three months.  The last time I saw her she told me she was having personal problems.  I guess maybe she has the blues, but I’m getting really frustrated and I wonder if maybe I have done something wrong.  She lives over one hour away.  Should I visit her and force her to talk to me?

A:  Call your friend once again and let her know your concerns.  Ask her to at least let you know if she is okay, using the communication method of her choice.  Tell her a text message is perfectly fine if she isn’t up to chatting.  Do not make this situation about you.  Some people are extremely private when they are facing tough situations and prefer to work through their issues on their own.  If this is your friend’s style, then do whatever you need to do to make sure she feels supported.  Let her know you are there for her when she feels up to talking again.  Consider sending an occasional card or note as a way to express your friendship without pestering her.  However, if you suspect your friend is in true emotional danger, go see for yourself, and get the appropriate support she needs.  Follow your heart on this one.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her atstraighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.23

Danice Akiyoshi

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

An Anonymous Letter

Q:  My husband is overbearing.  When he thinks someone has done something unfair to him, he overreacts.  Yelling, finger pointing, arm waving.  Intimidation is his answer to almost all problems.  He has even had tantrums on my behalf when I do not feel offended.  He has become a real bully.  I am embarrassed, but I don’t know how to tell him to knock it off.  In other areas he is a really nice man.

A:  Having adult tantrums, and using intimidation as a form of communication is a sign of immaturity and low self esteem.  Perhaps he is really hurting about something and feels it would be weak to address his suffering, so he masks it with anger.  I don’t know your husband or his issues, so I will address your situation.  Whenever your husband displays a behavior in your presence that you find unacceptable, it is your right to tell him not to act that way in front of you again.  If he decides to test you and does it again, remind him that you have communicated clearly once before, then leave his company immediately.  Walk away, call a cab, do whatever it takes to set a new boundary.  Do not nag, plead, or repeat yourself again.  Make your statement, and then act on it.  Since you say he is basically a nice man, he should catch on quickly and soften his approach when he’s with you.  Good Luck.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her atstraighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

An Anonymous Letter

Danice Akiyoshi

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Q:  I have been depressed for a long time.  I used to have really good friends, but now when I need them the most, they are never there for me anymore.  My daughter is even too busy for me.  My husband says people are busy with their own lives, but I feel neglected.  I have tried medication and a psychologist, but that didn’t help me any more than my friends did.  I gained weight from the medication, and I felt even worse about myself.  I will never do that again.  Do you have any advice to help me get my friends back into my life?

A:  If your friends are “really good” as you mentioned, I’m sure they have done everything they could think of to assist you in feeling better.  When there is no improvement, people often feel defeated and move on.  Let’s face it, being around a depressed person all the time is difficult and painful.  It is hardest when you really love the person.  Please try to understand the limitations of a person who is doing their best to support you. This is not easy for most people, especially, when they are not skilled in the area of your needs.  The fact that you say you feel neglected, makes me wonder if you have a sense of entitlement about what is owed to you by your loved ones.  Your friends and family do not owe you their personal time on an ongoing basis.  You also make it clear that their efforts were not really helping you anyway.  Please realize you need a skilled professional when you’re dealing with something as serious as depression.  If medication and psychotherapy have not helped you, then it’s time to have a really long talk with yourself.  Are you willing to take personal responsibility for your own emotional and mental health?  If the answer is yes, then you are about to turn the corner and improve your sense of well being.  If you truly don’t require medication or psychotherapy, and are completely resistant to trying again, then I suggest personal coaching.  A personal coach can often help you guide your life in a positive direction. For now, it would be a very good idea to forgive your family and friends for their absence in your life.  They are not responsible for your mental health and emotional happiness.  You are.  Personal responsibility on your part may help your friends and family feel better about sharing their time with you again.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her atstraighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi

A Letter From C.J.

Q:  I am a senior citizen.  I am wondering how to overcome a constant negative focus on my health issues.  These issues are both real and imaginary.  My poor health consumes my thoughts, and I feel depressed.  I don’t want to spend the rest of my life feeling this way.  Please help.

A:  It’s important to understand that where you place your focus in life is where you will have the most growth.  If you focus on negative matters, your negative concerns will seem to expand.   My guess is that you don’t have enough balance in your life.  Constantly looking at a problem is not as helpful as concentrating on a solution.  Try to balance your worry with some activities that bring you joy.  Just because you are a senior citizen, does not mean you have to start preparing for a life filled with illness.  Better yet, it’s time to plan for as much enjoyment as possible.  Shift your thoughts to people and situations that bring laughter into your life.  Release the ones that bring you upset and grief.  This is very important. If you are sitting around watching television as your main activity, you are taking on a lot of negativity from the news and being exposed to lots of commercials relating to health disorders.  Free yourself from all the negative feedback and visit some healthy and happy friends and family instead.  If visiting is too hard, then invite them to visit you, but don’t weigh the conversation down with your health concerns.  Altering your point of view will alter your life.  I hope you realize the choice is yours to make.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her atstraighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

A Letter From Danielle:

Question:  My daughter just graduated from high school last June and she has already decided to move out with two girlfriends.  I feel she is not ready to be on her own, but when I try to give her advice she gets nasty.  How can I make sure she is okay without making her look childish in front of her friends?  I am really worried, because she is still so immature.  By the way, none of these girls are in college, but they all have jobs. They believe they can make this arrangement work out.  Please help!

Answer:  This is one of those difficult times in the parenting cycle.  You sound like a very caring mom and your daughter will appreciate that some day.  Have faith that you did a good job in raising your daughter, and create space in your relationship for her to develop self reliance.   When I felt a deep need to visit and “check in” on my young adult kids, I made favorite food items, or offered to share my giant bundle of paper towels or toilet paper.  Youngsters are usually very open to receiving these gifts when they are first starting out on their own.  Be careful not to criticize their dwelling if it is messy, and resist the urge to fix all the difficulties that crop up.  When young adults make a decision to enter adult living, you should allow them to sort things out on their own.  However, let your daughter know she can seek your assistance before she allows anything to become a crisis.  I am assuming you have given her guidance about credit card debt and basic health practices.  Also, you might want to explain that you will not be taking steps to maintain her former lifestyle once she moves out. For example, clothes shopping, haircuts, cell phone bill, extra gas money, medical or dental expenses.  This talk should be informative, but not manipulative.  Often young adults are so excited at the thought of being on their own, that they don’t see the big picture.  When my son called with a very expensive utility bill he and his roommates couldn’t pay, I explained that I would assist them, but made it clear that I would not fix the same problem twice.  This shows you’re interested in a good outcome, but allows respect for the fact that you’re both functioning adults. If she still decides to move out after this friendly and informative conversation, be supportive, wish her well, and get back to your own interests in life. Be well.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her atstraighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Dear Danice,

I attended a lecture on women’s health last year, and heard you speak about some products you recommend for hot flashes, mood swings, and PMS.  I need it for hot flashes and my daughter needs it for PMS.  I’ve never heard of a Naturopath doctor before, but I enjoyed your lecture.  Thank you.

-Marlene

Dear Marlene,

My favorite product for mood swings and PMS is a product called FEMALE drops.  This product is offered by Dr. Richard Schulze.  He also offers FEM PLUS drops.  This formula has additional herbs to help you relax, so it’s best to take it only at night.  Dr Schulze’s web site is www.herbdoc.com.  His herbal formulas are outstanding.  I have used many of them myself over the years.  As for the hot flashes, the product I like best is called DIM. (Di-Indolylmethane) This is also a plant based product.  It is available from a company called Health Resources (www.healthresources.net) – wishing you relief.

-Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her atstraighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

An Anonymous Letter

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Q:  I come from a religious family background.  My husband, kids, and I are at church most of the day on Sunday and other days during the week.  Several months ago, I started feeling overwhelmed.  I realized that this is just another church, and what really counts for me is spirituality and not organized religion.

I want to tell my family, but I know they will be crushed and think I’ve lost it.  I feel like a hypocrite.   I also have guilty feelings, because I agreed to raise my children in this religion.  My youngest child (of five) will turn 18 at the end of the year.  Do I dare to be honest, or continue feeling like a hypocrite?

A:  I’m very impressed with the fact that you have chosen to keep your agreements with your husband, even though you’ve had a change in your point of view.  People in committed relationships will often face growth and change in different directions, and adjustments need to be made.  Arrange a time when you can have a quiet conversation with your husband.  Explain your feelings and request a renegotiation.  Explain that you are willing to fulfill your agreement until the end of the year when your last child will legally become a young adult.  Let him know you will not take any steps to alter the belief systems of any other family members.  Then express your plans to participate in the spiritual practices of your choice.  If he seems to need some time to adjust to the new situation you’ve presented, respect his position.  Please recognize that large changes can affect the whole family, and it may take a bit of time before relations return to normal.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her atstraighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Danice Akiyoshi

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

A Letter From Ali

Q:  My husband was not invited to walk his daughter down the aisle at her wedding.  She chose a close family friend instead.  My husband and his ex-wife had a horrible relationship, which made it impossible for him to have a decent relationship with his daughter.  He is very down on himself and feeling depressed.  I don’t know how to help him.  Any suggestions would be appreciated.

A:  Maybe your husband’s ex-wife was able to influence his daughter when she was a child, but most women who are getting married are adults.  Certainly he had access to his young adult daughter without the influence of her mother.   In my experience, no one can keep a good parent away from their child (especially an adult child).  If the bride is not interested in a relationship with her father, he should do his best to find out why.  Everyone is an adult now.  Try for a fresh start when they return from their honeymoon.  Do not add any additional stress to their lives before the wedding.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her atstraighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

A Letter From Debbie

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Q:  My boyfriend is still friends with three of his ex-girlfriends.  I think this is inappropriate when he is in a committed relationship with me.  What do you think?

A:  In my opinion your immaturity and insecurity are inappropriate for a committed relationship.  Adults should be free to choose their own friends.  You either like this guy or you don’t.  If you need to control him, spare him the drama and move on.  I think it’s a good thing when people have shared hard times and they can still manage to be friends. Stop shopping for problems.  Join a drama class if you need an outlet.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her atstraighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

A Letter From Jason

Danice Akiyoshi

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Q:  My best friend is in a relationship with a woman who seems to be controlling every move he makes.  Even his opinions on worldly matters have drastically changed to match hers.  He looks unhappy, but he never complains.  I hate seeing him this way so I don’t socialize much with them anymore.  I can tell my friend is hurt and puzzled when we see each other at business events.  Should I be honest about my feelings?

A:  Yes, be honest.  Tell him your concerns.  Make sure he knows he can count on you in times of crisis, but that you’re not interested in casually socializing with them as a couple.  Do not put her down in any way; this is unnecessary.  Be clear that you would like to see him whenever he can break away. Do your best to keep in touch and try to show up for his major life events.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her atstraighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Danice Akiyoshi

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

A Letter From Ross

Q:  When I was going through my divorce two years ago, my neighbor was very supportive.  She listened to my concerns and offered good advice that helped me a lot.  When I was suffering in the beginning, she even brought meals to my house.  She was the nicest friend I had at the time.  Now I’m having problems in my new relationship and I’ve tried to get together with her so I can get some advice. She always seems to be in a hurry and is not interested in talking in the driveway when she comes home from work.  She used to invite me in, but I haven’t had that invitation in months.  I really need to talk to her. She already knows me and my problems and I can’t afford counseling.  How can I get her attention?

A:  Just because your neighbor is a good soul does not mean that she owes you her time or thinking skills.  For whatever reason, it sounds like she has zero interest in getting involved in your problems again. Be grateful that she was once there for you and move on.  You are not entitled to her time just because you catch her in the driveway when she comes home from work, either.  Reconsider your stand on professional coaching or counseling.  You need help seeing the big picture.  Wish you well, Ross.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.