Danice Akiyoshi

Is Laser Eye Surgery Safe? – A Letter from Alex

By Danice Akiyoshi ND

Q: I have been considering laser eye surgery.  Do you think it’s safe?

A: With any surgical procedure, it’s important to do your research.  You want to make sure you are choosing the right surgeon and facility.  Read as many reviews as you can before making your decision.  I had laser eye surgery a few years ago and I’ve been very satisfied with the results.

Danice Akiyoshi  ND

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

My family doesn’t support my medical decision

Danice Akiyoshi

By Danice Akiyoshi

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi,

I am dealing with breast cancer.  I’ve declined surgery, radiation and chemo therapy.  I am doing all the research necessary to make informed choices for myself.  My problem is my family and friends.  They are all pressuring me to listen to my doctor and start the regular processes and I want nothing to do with any of that.  It seems that I cannot even have lunch with friends or family without them lecturing me.  I am an adult in my mid thirties and I am capable of thinking for myself.  How do I get through to them?  I need support, not lectures.

Thank You,

Vickie

Dear Vickie,

You are taking a path that frightens your loved ones.  Surgery, radiation and chemotherapy are the accepted treatments for cancer at this time.  When people reject those treatments, it’s bound to cause conflict with medical practitioners and loved ones.  You sound certain of your choices so I will address your question of how to get through to your family and friends.  If I were in your shoes, I would explain to them that it is very stressful to be dealing with a serious diagnosis without feeling like you have to also defend your own personal choices. Let them know that you would appreciate their support, love and friendship as you tend to your health in your own way.  Express your desire to have their basic respect about your choices.  Help them understand that you take full responsibility for your outcomes and that you would just appreciate kindness during this difficult time.  After this conversation, if there is anyone who continues to upset you as you are working to recover your health, it is my recommendation that you put those people out of your personal circle for awhile.  You will need supportive positive people around you as you work to improve your immune system and improve your health picture.  Obviously, negativity should be avoided.

I’m wishing you a smooth path, Vickie.

Danice Akiyoshi ND

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Danice Akiyoshi

Dear Danice Akiyoshi,

My favorite Aunt is having an all-expenses paid destination wedding this summer that will be quite luxurious.  I am looking forward to this event.  I know I should take my boyfriend as my guest, but my dearest friend’s family lives on this island. She hasn’t had the extra money to visit her parents in six years and I know this would be a dream come true for her.  My boyfriend doesn’t dance and never really enjoys himself when he accompanies me to weddings. He also tries to rush through the festivities and this annoys me. When I told him that I was considering taking my friend, he said that even though he hates weddings, he was looking forward to surfing and sightseeing and that would be disappointed to miss this trip.  He seems to be taking it for granted that I will take him, but I’m not sure this is the right choice for me.  Please help me decide.

Antonia G.

Hi Antonia,

You give clues that show your dissatisfaction with your boyfriend when you mention things like the way he rushes you through previous wedding festivities and refuses to dance with you at these events. You also state that he takes things for granted.  I have a strong feeling that you’d prefer to take your dear friend instead of your boyfriend.  If the only commentary your boyfriend has is that he wants to see the sights and do some surfing, then he seems to be self-serving and is missing the point of the whole event, “the wedding”. Perhaps you’d like to let him know that you would be happy to join him if he’d like to plan a vacation that includes surfing and sightseeing activities.  Remind him again that the main focus is actually your Aunt’s wedding and invite the person who would be the best companion to enhance the entire experience.

Have a wonderful time.

Danice Akiyoshi ND

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Danice Akiyoshi

“My neck and shoulder have been hurting me”

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dear Dr. Danice,

My neck and shoulder have been bothering me for a long time.  When I get chiropractic adjustments it only feels better for three of four days.  My friend told me that I should have an MRI because her aunt had shoulder pain for a long time and it turned out to be lung cancer.  I have never heard of this before.  Is it true?  I am only thirty one.

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

First I would like to help you understand that there is more involved in maintaining a healthy structure.  I believe there is immense value in chiropractic care but you’ve only been getting mild results. If it were me, I would alternate my adjustments with deep tissue therapeutic massage to see if that improves your outcome.   Addressing both your spine and muscles just might give you the relief you seek.  If this yields no better results after one month of weekly sessions with both therapies, then I would move on to your medical doctor to take a look at your issue.  Hope you start feeling better soon.

Danice Akiyoshi ND

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Danice Akiyoshi

“My new guy is a drinker”

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dear Dr. Danice,

I’m going out with a new guy that I met at my spinning class.  He always takes me out for smoothies after class and seems like he is very health conscious.  He drinks lots of water during our work out and eats fruit and protein bars as snacks.  Last weekend we went to the beach.  When he went into a sandwich shop to get food for our picnic lunch, I took a drink of what I thought was iced tea in his travel tumbler cup.  I was surprised to taste alcohol and he was driving us around while he was drinking.  I really like him so I decided not to say anything, but this bothers me.  My health is my top priority and he knows that I only drink on special occasions.  Should I wait and try his drinks a few more times to see if this is a habit?  Did I mention that I really like him?  I’m so disappointed.  Help…

Linda

Dear Linda,

Intelligent, healthy people are generally opposed to drinking and driving.  I’m having great trouble making sense of your date’s behavior.  On one hand he displays healthy behavior; on the other hand, he is secretly putting you both in danger by drinking and driving.  It’s my experience when people take steps to hide what they are doing, that’s a red flag and cause for concern.  If he was openly taking you to lunch in a restaurant and ordering a cocktail, I would be fine with it.  If he took you on a picnic and openly had a cocktail I would not raise an eyebrow, but hiding the fact that he is drinking is unimpressive and causes me to wonder what his consumption is really like.  Causal drinkers don’t feel the need to hide the fact that they have a drink on occasion.  If you really like him then address it, but don’t be surprised to find out that this is a much bigger problem than you’re prepared to handle.  If he admits he has a problem and is willing to seek help, consider sticking around awhile and perhaps show support for his progress, but don’t count on this happening.  He knows he has a problem, that’s why he’s hiding it.  Ultimately, he has to be ready to do this for himself.  Please be wise in your choices.  This is a big issue for a new relationship.

Danice Akiyoshi ND

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Danice Akiyoshi

“My girlfriend’s feelings have changed”

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dear Dr. Danice,

Two months ago my girlfriend got a new job.  I have never seen her happier but she seems to spend less and less time with me.  She goes out after work with her coworkers at least three times a week.  I have not complained yet because she treats me well when we’re together, but I feel like her feelings for me have changed.  How should I bring up the subject?

Thank you,

Bryan

Hello Brian,

If I were in your shoes, I would simply ask her if she thinks your relationship needs any adjustments.  I would also work up the courage to ask her if her feelings about being exclusive with you have changed.  If she says no, give her a bit of space to enjoy her new situation for a reasonable amount of time.  If she says she’d like to make some adjustments or changes then ask her to be perfectly clear about the changes she has in mind.  If the changes she mentions are not acceptable to you then it’s time to wish her well and move on, because the part that comes next is rarely pleasant.

Good Luck,

Danice Akiyoshi ND

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Danice Akiyoshi

“My daughter is a mess”

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

My adult daughter has recently made a mistake that causes me shame.  She needs my help, but I am so hurt that I don’t know if I can be there for her.  My husband has turned his back on her.  He is tired of her chaotic lifestyle.  I feel so alone.  My daughter is too embarrassed to ask her siblings for help, because this is not the first time she’s been in trouble and needed us to bail her out.  I wish she had decent friends and didn’t always depend on me.  When is a mother’s job done?

-Francis

Hi, Francis:

Mother’s have many ways in which they interact with their children to enhance their lives.  If you are a mother who constantly bails out wayward adult children, then you are an enabler. That’s a big problem, in my opinion.  I feel for you if your spouse deserts you when the going gets tough.  This probably contributes to your enabling ways, but you still need to correct this.  As for your shame, if you need time to deal with your feelings of shame over the poor behavior of your daughter, then take it.  You are not obligated to push your feelings aside just because your daughter finds herself in hot water once again.  Maybe it’s time for you to allow your daughter to deal with the consequences of her poor behavior.  I know it’s hard, but it may be a better option since she’s a repeat offender.  Perhaps you could improve your marriage if you discontinue being in charge of keeping your daughter’s life together.  You would be wise to work on the issue of “shame,” as well.  Let me know if you need help.

Sincerely,

Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Danice Akiyoshi

“Angry at my dead friend”

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

I just came home from my dear friend’s funeral. I was devastated because I thought he died suddenly from a mysterious illness.  Another friend found him unconscious in his home after none of us had heard from him for a couple of days.  We were all close and spoke almost daily.  At the funeral luncheon his sister told me that he had been diagnosed with cancer six months ago, and that was the real cause of his death.  I could not believe what I was hearing.  I didn’t say anything, because I don’t know his sister, but I am mad as hell at my friend!  Why didn’t he tell me the truth?  He was at my house for dinner a couple of times a week.  He and my husband were pretty close, too. I don’t understand why he wouldn’t let me help him.  Why didn’t he fight for his life?  He was only 60-years old. I don’t exaggerate when I tell you that nobody suspected he was this sick.  I feel deceived.  A real friend wouldn’t have lied to me this way.  My feelings are very hurt.  My husband won’t share his opinion with me.  Do you have any idea why someone would treat a true friend this way?  I am sick at heart to think I never knew this man at all.

-Gloria.

Dear Gloria:

I am sick about the way you’ve turned your friend’s death around to make it all about you.  I don’t know you, but your emotional maturity needs a lot of work.  Has it ever occurred to you that your friend was trying to spare you from grief and sadness?  Has it ever occurred to you that maybe your friend wanted his relationships with his friends to be normal and not filled with pity or tears?  Not everyone wants to undergo Chemotherapy and traditional therapies that are difficult to tolerate when their days are numbered anyway.  Why can’t you find a way to respect that?  You are a woman.  Let’s pretend you are about to give birth.  Do your friends have the right to force their opinions on you about what style of child birth you choose, or whether or not you are going to nurse your baby? Can they insist that you have an epidural when you really prefer to try natural childbirth?  Grow up, Gloria.  You are choosing to suffer.  This stems from your inability to accept that you can’t always control things.  People do not owe their friends and family all of their private information.  If you’d like assistance for anger, grief, or in improving your emotional maturity, I would love to meet with you.  I wish you well, Gloria, and sincerely hope you will feel better soon.

-Danice Akiyoshi, ND

Danice Akiyoshi

My husband keeps volunteering me!

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

I am a helpful, nice person, but I’m tired of my husband volunteering my time for everything.  If our neighbor throws her back out, he volunteers me to make dinner for them for three days.  If someone in the carpool can’t make it, he volunteers me to take their place.  If someone is having a refrigerator delivered, he says I would be more than happy to wait at their home for the delivery man. If his family needs anything, he volunteers me.  He feels free to do this because I have my own little business. I do medical billing and I work from my computer at home.  He thinks I can just pack up my work and cart it around anywhere.  Because of these constant interruptions, I am often up until midnight trying to finish my work.  He doesn’t know this because he’s in bed at 9:30.  I don’t mind helping people, but I’d like to do it on my own schedule, not his.  How should I approach this?

-Pamela F.

Dear Pamela:

It sounds to me like your husband doesn’t take your work very seriously.  I don’t know enough of the story, but I wonder if he under values the financial contribution you bring to the household.  Or perhaps he struggles with his own self esteem and wants to be a people pleaser.  Unfortunately, this is at your expense, not his.  To get to the bottom of it, why don’t you ask him if he’s fine with you putting your business on hold, as well as the money it brings into the household (slight sarcasm)? Explain that then you will be free to do all of these errands he keeps setting up for you.  If he says the family needs the money, this gives you an opening to ask him to respect your business as if it were actually important to the family.  If you’d like a more direct approach – which I always like best – advise him that he is no longer free to offer your time or services without your permission.  It really is just a matter of respect.  Let me know if you need additional assistance with boosting up your personal power.

-Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Danice Akiyoshi

“Spoiled Sister”

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

Both of my parents passed away two years ago.  My sister was very dependent on both of them.  Now that they’re gone, she looks to me to entertain her at every holiday and birthday, as if she were still a child, and bail her out financially when she makes stupid mistakes.  She never pitches in for anything that doesn’t directly affect her.  She makes comments like “mom and dad would want you to take care of me.  I’m the baby of the family and you make more money than me,” (she is 47).  Neither of us is married, but I don’t want her to think that she can lean on me for the rest of her life.

-Fed Up

Dear Fed Up:

Your sister has a sense of entitlement.  Make it clear that you have no interest in acting out the role of her parent or spouse.  I’m guessing that your parents did her a major disservice by allowing her to arrive into middle age with this degree of emotional immaturity.  Make it clear that your role is that of a sibling and not a caretaker.   Be honest about the fact that you no longer even see her as enjoyable company because of the way she takes you for granted.  If you have feelings of guilt, or have trouble standing up to her manipulation tactics, I would be happy to assist you.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Danice Akiyoshi

“My brother’s perfect life”

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dear Danice,

My brother brags about everything.  His wonderful job, his smart kids, his beautiful wife, his new BMW, his boat, his latest vacation, and anything else that is impressive in his life.  I’m over it.  So he’s done well in his life, it’s obvious.  Why does he have to shove it in my face by talking about it all the time?

Yvonne

Dear Yvonne,

Let’s take a moment to change your perspective.  If your brother announced his brain tumor, his bankruptcy, his addiction, his house fire, the failures of his kids, his mean wife – or whatever- you’d be all ears, and maybe even sympathetic enough to offer help.  Just take a look at how our society operates these days.  When we are doing well, people say things like, “It must be nice. Why doesn’t that ever happen to me?  Wish it were me.  How did you get so lucky?  He didn’t deserve that!”

Why do people so often offer support to their ailing loved ones, but criticize or shun them when they are doing well?  It makes no sense to me.  I want everyone to do well!

If your brother is a crashing bore, only interested in discussing his own good fortune, then tell him you are bored with constant conversations about him.  If you are jealous, then do something about feeling better about your own life.  Sharing success stories sounds better to me than sharing tragic stories.  All people hope for approval.

Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Danice Akiyoshi

“I betrayed my friend”

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

I recently betrayed my dear friend.  I spoke ill of her to some of our other mutual friends and I am mad at myself.  I was frustrated and suffering a weak moment when we were all out having drinks at Happy Hour.  I believe one of the women who heard me is bound to tell my friend about my remarks.  I am a terrible liar, and I feel so guilty.  I don’t think I can deny it if she finds out.  What should I do?  I am losing sleep.

-Avis P.

Dear Avis:

The fact that you feel so badly about making a disparaging remark about your friend tells me a lot about your character.  If I’m right about that, I think your dear friend is pretty familiar with your decent character, too. Please meet with her right away, hopefully before she hears it from one of the others.  Explain that you were frustrated and having that weak moment and that you just feel horrible about the unbecoming comments you made.  Ask her to forgive your poor judgment.  Look her right in the eye and promise that it will never happen again as you apologize.  Make sure you keep that agreement.  Good Luck.

-Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi

“My daughter thinks she’s ready to move out”

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi,

My daughter just graduated from high school last June and she has already decided to move out with two girlfriends.  I feel she is not ready to be on her own, but when I try to give her advice she gets nasty.  How can I make sure she is okay without making her look childish in front of her friends?  I am really worried, because she is still so immature.  By the way, none of these girls are in college, but they all have jobs. They believe they can make this arrangement work out.  Please help! – Danielle

Dear Danielle,

This is one of those difficult times in the parenting cycle.  You sound like a very caring mom and your daughter will appreciate that some day.  Have faith that you did a good job in raising your daughter, and create space in your relationship for her to develop self reliance.   When I felt a deep need to visit and “check in” on my young adult kids, I made favorite food items, or offered to share my giant bundle of paper towels or toilet paper.  Youngsters are usually very open to receiving these gifts when they are first starting out on their own.  Be careful not to criticize their dwelling if it is messy, and resist the urge to fix all the difficulties that crop up.  When young adults make a decision to enter adult living, you should allow them to sort things out on their own.  However, let your daughter know she can seek your assistance before she allows anything to become a crisis.  I am assuming you have given her guidance about credit card debt and basic health practices.  Also, you might want to explain that you will not be taking steps to maintain her former lifestyle once she moves out. For example, clothes shopping, haircuts, cell phone bill, extra gas money, medical or dental expenses.  This talk should be informative, but not manipulative.  Often young adults are so excited at the thought of being on their own, that they don’t see the big picture.  When my son called with a very expensive utility bill he and his roommates couldn’t pay, I explained that I would assist them, but made it clear that I would not fix the same problem twice.  This shows you’re interested in a good outcome, but allows respect for the fact that you’re both functioning adults. If she still decides to move out after this friendly and informative conversation, be supportive, wish her well, and get back to your own interests in life. Be well.