Danice Akiyoshi

I want to date my friend’s ex! 

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

I am very attracted in my friend’s ex-girlfriend.  They broke up over a month ago, and I can tell she’s looking at me in a new way, too.  We all go to the same gym.  I don’t want to hurt my friend, but I want to ask her out.   How should I approach this?

-J.S.

Dear J. S.:

This is a tricky situation.  I’ve seen it go well, and I’ve seen it go horribly wrong.  I have a few questions for you to consider.  Are both parties completely over each other?  Are they mature?  Will anyone suffer humiliation? Do you have mutual friends, therefore making the situation awkward?  Do you want to take the risk of losing your friend over a new person to date?  Has enough time really gone by?  Please look ahead a few months into the future and decide if you can live with the possible consequences that may occur if you date your friend’s ex-girlfriend.  My personal opinion is to wait six months.  If you still feel the attraction, then approach your friend and see what his views are, and make your decision at that time.  Don’t rush on this if you value these relationships.  Thanks for writing.

-Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi

Feeling less than perfect

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

My best friend is perfect in every way, but for some reason she is always criticizing herself and her appearance.  Now I’m starting to feel self-conscious every time I’m around her.  She is much prettier than I am, so if she magnifies her own flaws, I wonder what she must think of me.  I’m starting to avoid her unless I’m looking my best.  What should I do?

-Farzi

Hi, Farzi:

Your friend might be suffering from insecurity or low self-esteem.  Just because she judges herself harshly does not mean that she has the same magnifying glass on you.  Don’t avoid your friend.  Share your feelings instead, and help her see her true value.

-Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi

Trust Issues- A letter from Leona
By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi,

When my mother passed away she left my oldest brother in charge of her trust.  Her trust clearly states that her assets will be distributed equally among her four children.  My oldest brother is an accomplished businessman and thinks he has the right to tell the rest of us how our inheritance should be invested.  He wants to take the bulk of the money and reinvest it in real estate, making the four of us business partners. Of course he wants to manage our assets.  I am not interested in this plan.  I would like to have my portion and make my own choices.  I like a simple life and my brother puts that down saying I will live poorly in my old age if I don’t listen to him.  I don’t know why he feels this way.  I have lived decently my entire life on my income.  He is being a bully.    Please help me deal with this situation.  I do not want to be at odds with my family members.

-Leona

Dear Leona,

I am not an attorney, nor am I wise in this area of estate law, but I can help you deal with a family member who is trying to bully and manipulate you.  If he intimidates you then it would be best to put your thoughts in writing, because bullies have a way of discounting the comments of the people they perceive as their weak opponents.  Explain to your brother that you appreciate the fact that he is attempting to look after your future well being, but you are simply not interested in real estate investing.  Explain that you are looking forward to a simple life and are in no danger of ever being a burden to him or anyone else.  Ask that your portion of the estate be given to you without pause.  Once you’ve communicated clearly and also given him a back up copy of what you said in writing, he should start to see that you have no intention of being controlled by him financially or any other way.  If he doesn’t comply with your mother’s wishes then tell him you plan to hire an attorney.  Good luck in resolving this matter quickly.

-Danice Akiyoshi ND

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Relationship Perks- A letter from S.S.
By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi,

I like your column and I hope you can handle a dispute I’m having with my girlfriend. She recently moved into my home because we were living 90 minutes apart and it made our relationship difficult.  I am paying the mortgage and utilities and she buys the groceries, cooks, and keeps the domestic side of the home in great shape.  Things have never been so organized and clean and I’ve been very happy.  The dispute occurred when the washing machine broke down.  She does laundry every single day and went into a panic, asking me what I wanted to do.  I told her to go out and buy a new washer and I could tell that she was surprised at my suggestion. When I pointed out that I am the one paying the house payment, she pointed out that it is my home and that I would have to pay my own house payment and utilities with or without her. She said she feels she’s contributing more than her fair share and removed $700.00 in grocery receipts from her wallet for the food she bought and cooked the previous month.   She asked if I was more interested in a roommate or a girlfriend.  She made it clear that she doesn’t buy groceries, cook, clean and sleep with someone she considers a roommate.  Now she’s staying in the spare bedroom.  The house is a mess and all of the other perks are gone too.  She barely speaks to me at night and leaves for work before I get up.  She says she will leave a check for her room rent on the first of the month, but plans to make other arrangements soon.  This is bad.  Do I have a chance to repair this?  How wrong was I to think she should buy the new washing machine?  Why is she over reacting when just a few weeks ago we were so happy?  I’m really confused.  I need some suggestions.

Thank you,

S.S.

Dear S.S.

Looks like you took all those wonderful perks for granted.  It seems like you were imagining that she needed you a lot more than you needed her.  That’s a shame.  Based on the fact that your home is now a mess, there is no dinner, clean laundry, intimacy, etc.  I’m willing to bet that you would fork over the money for several washing machines at this point to restore your former happiness.  You undervalued what she was bringing to your relationship.  This is a common mistake between couples. I see it every single day in my practice.  Your girlfriend seems like a very organized caregiving type.  If she was spending $700.00 a month on groceries and feeding you nice meals along with keeping the household in stellar condition, then I would say she really was doing her part to contribute to the happiness and wellbeing of the household.  Unfortunately, this woman also seems stubborn, based on the current silent treatment and her retreat to the spare bedroom.  You will have to come up with an apology that she can truly ‘feel, taste, and hear.’  She must gain a clear understanding that you will never treat her like that again.  Keep in mind that there are all sorts of currencies in a relationship and she was generously sharing things of value to you.  In reality, money isn’t usually the most important contribution.  You’re smart enough to get your thoughts around this concept.  My advice to you is to immediately admit you were wrong and offer a sincere apology.  Convince her that her offerings are of great value to you and that you have no intention of taking her for granted in the future. I have a feeling that if she wasn’t waiting for you to figure this out on your own, she would already be making one of her nice dinners somewhere else.  In my opinion, you still have a good chance of correcting the situation.  Let me know if you need help with that apology.  You’d better make it exceptional. Good luck!

-Danice Akiyoshi ND

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her atstraighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Danice Akiyoshi

Baby Blues- A letter from Brenda
By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi,

My best girlfriend recently had a baby.  I visited her and her husband in the hospital; saw the baby, and everything seemed fine.  Now that she’s home all of my requests to visit and see the baby have been brushed off.  She doesn’t answer her phone very often and when I call her husband he says she’s in the shower or sleeping or nursing the baby.  After 2 weeks of not hearing from her I called her sister who told me that she’s not doing very well and that she is having the baby blues.  This hurts my feelings.  I am her best friend.  I would be willing to help her with the baby.  I don’t understand why she would keep this from me and why she hasn’t returned my calls.  Having to hear this from her sister makes me wonder if I’m wrong about our friendship.  Can’t a woman have a baby and a best friend too?  Doesn’t she realize that I miss her and that friendship is a two way street and she’s not keeping up her end?  Should I stop calling her?  I am hurt and angry. What should I do next?

-Brenda

Well Brenda,

The first thing you should do is take a look at your emotional immaturity.  After that, you should Google postnatal or postpartum depression, also known as the “baby blues.”  Once you become familiar with that topic, perhaps you can do a little bit of personal inventory.  Maybe your friend just simply doesn’t have the strength right now to manage two babies.  (You being the second.)  Why you would turn your friend’s personal crisis into an issue about her not keeping up her end of the friendship is very confusing to me.  I can tell that you are basically a nice person, but please get some guidance and work to improve your emotional maturity.  People are not obligated to accept your offerings.  If I were you, I would send a card in the mail.  Let her know that she is in your thoughts and that you are there for her when she feels ready or if she needs anything.  Then you wait for the call.  If it takes quite a while, send another card, but do not push yourself on a person who is already overwhelmed.  That does not resemble friendship.

-Danice Akiyoshi ND

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her atstraighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Danice Akiyoshi

Restless Marriage- A letter from C.L.
By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi,

I find myself feeling really restless in my marriage.  My husband is a very nice man, but my requests to add more excitement into our relationship are being ignored.  He seems very uncomfortable when I bring up the subject of improving our romantic life.  I notice that he buys me more gifts and takes me to nice dinners when I complain, but that’s not what I’m after.  I want more intimacy.  He is healthy in every way and so am I.  My sister said that this is what happens after 12 years of marriage. I don’t want to believe this is true and that things will get steadily worse.  He seemed uncomfortable with the idea of getting counseling.  He said we are fine and that he’s just been tired lately.  I worry that he no longer finds me attractive even though I’ve worked very hard to stay fit and healthy.  I don’t know what to do.

-C. L

Dear C. L.

You say you have tried to communicate your needs clearly to your husband and he is not taking you seriously. Is this the way your relationship works in other areas too, or just in the intimacy department?   Give it some thought. Maybe you’ll see that there is a pattern in other areas of your relationship where you are being ignored.  If in fact you have communicated clearly that you feel dissatisfied with the degree of intimacy in your marriage, your husband should be on red alert and strive to remedy that situation promptly.  If you are both healthy then there should be no problem spicing things up a bit.  If your husband is content in allowing you to feel insignificant to him then he has some ugly trouble awaiting him in his future.  The fact that you took time out to write to me means you are not going to deal well with being ignored, nor should you.  This is the time to get some serious conversations started before you find yourselves in jeopardy, and while you still love each other.  Do not wait.  Seek assistance if you need to, but I urge you to aggressively address this issue before you end up dealing with many more serious problems.  At this stage things can be turned around pretty quickly if the love is there.

I wish you the best of luck.

-Danice Akiyoshi ND

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her atstraighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Danice Akiyoshi

Dealing with a breakup
By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi,

I recently suffered a terrible break up.  I didn’t want my family to see me crying all the time so I started taking long walks.  My walks soon turned into running and I have now lost 23 pounds.  Now everyone is asking me if I’m suffering from an eating disorder and wondering if I’m depressed.  I do look a little under weight, but this is what I need to do right now.  I don’t want to talk about the details of my break up because it is too painful for me.  I just want to run.  I want to avoid socializing right now.  How can I briefly explain myself so people will leave me alone?

-Y. P.

Dear Y. P.

It seems to me that you have found a healthy way to work through your pain and suffering.  In my opinion you are on the right track and you do not owe anyone an explanation about how you are managing your emotions.   As for your well meaning and sincere loved ones, tell them exactly what you told me.  When you feel up to talking, tell them that you are processing your suffering with exercise and that you are not willing to have long conversations about your breakup.  Well meaning people will respect your request.  However, if you find yourself unable to truly digest your difficult experience in a reasonable amount of time, please seek the guidance of a skilled coach or therapist for a bit of additional assistance. Good Luck, and keep safe.

-Danice Akiyoshi ND

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her atstraighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Danice Akiyoshi

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

A Letter from Meghan:

I have a friend who is constantly competing with me.  I hope you can help me understand her.  When I got a new car, within three months she got a new car.  When I changed my hair color and style, she attempted to duplicate my exact look.  When I got a dog, the next month she got a dog.  When I got engaged to my boyfriend of 3 years, within 6 months she was wearing an engagement ring from some guy she’s only been dating for a few months.  She doesn’t realize that all of our friends are laughing at her behind her back.  I feel embarrassed for her, but this is awkward for me.  I do not enjoy being the center of attention this way. We aren’t very close.  She is one of my sorority sisters and we have regular gatherings because many of us are getting married, having bridal showers and weddings.  I don’t want to pull out of the group. Aside from this problem we have a great time together. May I have your advice please?

Dear Meghan,

This woman obviously idolizes you.  If there is nothing about her behavior that harms you then let it go.  When your other friends attempt to make mention of your copy cat friend, discourage them.  This woman obviously has struggles about her personal identity.  She likes what she sees in you.  Perhaps you can view it as a compliment.  Even though it is awkward, I don’t see this as harmful for you.  If she starts to violate your personal space in any way then that’s a different story.  If that’s not happening, feel flattered; enjoy your days and your friends.  Take note that humans copy each other in many ways.  Look around.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her atstraighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Danice Akiyoshi

By Danice Akiyoshi

A Letter From Melanie:

I earn my living as a preschool teacher, but I have a passion for writing poetry.  I submit my poems to various publications and several of them have been published.  When I share my exciting news with my friends and family it seems like they don’t really care.  My work was even included in a small poetry book that is available for sale.  I’m very disappointed that hardly any of my friends or family has bothered to purchase it.  I have always supported everything they do.  I have spent hundreds of dollars on their kid’s school fund raisers and they can’t spend $8 to buy my work.   This makes no sense to me. I am hurt.

Melanie G.

Dear Melanie,

I’m sorry you are feeling disappointed in your friends and family.  You are obviously a sensitive person who participates in the needs and accomplishments of your loved ones.  I have no idea why your family is unsupportive about your accomplishments.  This is not true for every family, but I see this sort of issue quite often in my practice.   Everyone suffers disappointment from time to time.  The way I handle an unsupportive loved one is to allow the issue to hurt my feelings for about 10 minutes.  If my suffering is severe then I allow 30 minutes.  I think about it, shed a tear, say a few curse words in my head, pace around, and feel sad, angry, resentful, and insignificant.  After the allotted time I stop and move on to another topic in my life.  Do you get where I’m going with this?  I process my feelings for the allotted period of time and then I let it go.  If it pops up again, then I do the same routine.  The hurt feelings usually fade after doing this process a few times.  Please don’t dedicate days of your life to feeling disappointed in people.  People are basically self focused and are busy taking care of the things that are near and dear to them.  If poetry is not high on their priority list then your accomplishment will get pushed aside. Do not let their lack of interest define you or your talent. If you are a kind person who puts effort into caring about the accomplishments of your loved ones, regardless of your personal interest, please stay that way.  The world needs people like you! Meanwhile, market your work to the appropriate audience and let the rest go.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her atstraighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Danice Akiyoshi

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

A Letter from Ray

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi,

I have a serious problem with anger. My sister said she will never drive with me again or allow me to take her kids to the movies anymore because I had an episode with road rage when she was a passenger in my car.  I can tell that she thinks less of me now and it really bothers me. I am a nice man, but when people do stupid things on the streets I can’t control myself. I will do anything to get her to trust me again.  She says she doesn’t understand me anymore. I already miss my niece and nephew. I don’t have any friends outside of my family.  What should I do to regain her trust?  I regret upsetting her. She is my best friend. Thank you.
-Ray

Hi Ray,

In my opinion, anyone who would lose their temper in public with a total stranger to the degree that their own loved ones will turn away from them is in serious trouble. Quite often, unnecessary aggression stems from low self esteem and a feeling of having no personal power. I hope you will seriously consider some sort of personal coaching or counseling to identify what is bothering you so deeply that you take these dangerous risks.  The fact that you show remorse and feel sad because of the distance your sister has imposed on you shows me that you care enough to get better. Please call a skilled professional and schedule an appointment. Consider inviting your sister to attend therapy with you eventually so that she can see how serious you are about repairing things with her.

From a safety standpoint I’m glad you are addressing your problem. Please make an appointment to get help right away. I wish you well.

-Danice Akiyoshi N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Danice Akiyoshi

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

A Letter from K. Lee:

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi,

I am 28 years old and live with my parents. My problem is that my parents are mean to me. When I’m not doing things their way they put me down. They say I am over weight, or that I shouldn’t go out with my friends because my face is having a break out, or that my girlfriend really doesn’t care about me and she’s just using me. I wish I could move out, but we all work together at the same company and we carpool which saves me a lot of money. I’m getting depressed. Help.

-K. Lee

Hi K. Lee,

When people make comments to make you feel off balance or injure your self esteem, they are attempting to manipulate you. Usually they have an agenda and are trying to direct you in a way that gives them their desired outcome at the expense of your own happiness. You are in a dangerous situation where your emotional health is concerned and you need to discuss this with your parents. If they are not responsive, please consider personal coaching so you can build your own sense of personal power and better manage personal conflicts. There are plenty of other roommates who are willing to share expenses without chipping away at your well being.  At the age of 28 you should have the developmental skills to restructure your life and still maintain decent family relations. If you are emotionally immature and afraid to face adult living, please get some assistance. You will feel so much better being in control of your own life.   Good Luck.

-Danice Akiyoshi N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Danice Akiyoshi

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

A Letter from Blake

My wife is a terrible back seat driver.  She complains about my driving every time she’s in my car.  She says things like, “everyone is stopped ahead, and maybe you should take your foot off the gas.”  “You’re getting too close to that truck.”  “Why are you being so aggressive, let that guy get in front of you.”  “Please don’t take that phone call, traffic is busy; you need to pay attention to the road.”  And the list goes on and on.  I’m driving out in traffic all day.  I’ve had very few tickets or accidents in my life.  I am not a bad driver.  My wife only has a 15 minute commute.  I hate to criticize her, but she is not an expert driver and I’m tired of her comments.  How can I get her off my back? Thank you.

Dear Blake,

It doesn’t seem as if your wife is actually insinuating that you are a bad driver.  It sounds a lot more to me like she struggles with anxiety.  Do you notice this in any other areas of her life?  I think when it comes to your driving she’s not doing a very good job of communicating and you’re taking it as a personal insult.  If she were a better communicator, she might say, “I’m feeling a little nervous, would you mind slowing down…please don’t drive next to big trucks or talk on the phone in busy traffic, it makes me terribly uneasy.”  If she were to own this as ‘her’ problem instead of making you feel inadequate, would you drive more cautiously or perhaps be a little more passive on the road to cater to her comfort zone?  Experience with my patients tells me that it might be doubtful, because you’re hearing this as a personal attack when she is basically trying to communicate her fear to you. I hear this complaint in my practice all the time.  My ‘simple’ advice is to let her drive or invite her to do whatever it is that will help her to relax before she gets into your car.  Or you could be more considerate of her road anxiety. The best answer by far would be for her to address the underlying reasons for her excessive anxiety.  I hope she makes that choice. Good Luck to both of you.

Danice

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Danice Akiyoshi

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

A Letter from Shirley:

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi,

I am 86 years old.  I recently had a terrible cough so my doctor ordered a chest X-ray.  They found a very large mass on my lung and want to do further tests and a biopsy.  I have declined.  I am in pain almost every day with my back and I don’t want to deal with anything else.  They are suggesting I sign up for hospice care and that feels like a relief. I’m not sure how to tell my sons that I don’t want further treatment.  I don’t want them to be disappointed in me for not trying.   I’m tired and this ordeal seems like too much to handle at this stage of my life.  I’ve had a good life and I accept that it’s almost over. Can you suggest a way to help them understand my feelings? Thank you.
-Shirley

Hi Shirley,

You are a brave and considerate person.  In my opinion you have the right to handle your end days as you’ve handled all the days before them.  If you are not interested in any life prolonging procedures that might put you in further pain, that should remain your choice.  Tell your sons that you’ve been happy with your life, but that you’d like to only receive treatments that help you stay comfortable.  Tell them clearly that you do not feel compelled to agree to anything that is designed to prolong your life.  Make a kind request that they respect your wishes, especially if you should reach a point that you are unable to speak for yourself.    Remind them that you want to enjoy their company now and have no interest in arguing about medical procedures.  If you feel unable to have this conversation on your own, I would be happy to assist you. Warmest regards.
-Danice Akiyoshi ND

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Danice Akiyoshi

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi,

My mom’s best friend fell off the face of the earth about 10 months ago and it just crushed my mom.  This woman means the world to our family and we have really missed her.  She is like a family member to all of us.  She told my mom that she needed to take care of some personal business and we haven’t heard a word from her in all this time.  Last week, I saw her getting into her car at the mall with her sister and she looks like she’s lost 50 or 60 pounds.  She looked terrible and I think she must be sick.  I’m afraid to tell my mom I saw her.  I don’t want her to start crying again.  She cried for 4 months after her friend left.  I don’t know what to do, but I think our friend needs help.  Should I go to her house?  My family would do anything for her.  I’m mad that she shut us out this way.  We didn’t deserve this.  We were good friends.
-K.M.

Dear K. M.:

The issue at hand is not whether or not you and your family are good friends.  The issue here is that your mom’s friend doesn’t want any of you in the front row of her life as she deals with her issues.  Not everyone craves a large support system when they are struggling.  If your friend is out and about at a mall with her sister, she obviously has the strength to make a phone call to your mom or anyone else in your family.  She has not chosen to do this.  Accept and respect her enough to not barge in on her.  If all of you miss her, send her a card saying that you miss her and see if you get a response.  If not, my advice is to mind your own business.  Issues like this can be very complex.  Don’t make matters worse for her by making it about you or your family.  You may not know the whole story.
-Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Danice Akiyoshi

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

My niece is having her wedding on a cruise ship. Over 20 people from our family are invited to join them on this cruise.  My niece asked me if I would book the largest stateroom so I can babysit the youngest kids who aren’t old enough for the kids club.  This way, everyone is free to drink and go to the casino late at night.  I don’t drink or gamble very often, but that doesn’t mean I want the task of nightly babysitting.  I want to have fun, too. Now I’m not looking forward to the trip at all.  I would feel guilty if I cancelled.  I already said I would go, and everyone just assumes I will babysit because I’m not as wild as they are.  I feel like I’m not really a guest at all.  What should I do?

-Auntie M.

Dear Auntie:

It’s time for a family meeting.  Explain that you look forward to doing your part with the youngest members of the family in the evenings.  Then present a schedule with the names of all the viable babysitters.  Assign a night to each capable party or couple.  They are free to switch and trade off if they like, but make it clear that you intend to enjoy yourself too, even if you don’t choose to drink and gamble.  Do not feel guilty when you resist being taken advantage of.  Have fun!

-Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Danice Akiyoshi

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Dear Dr. Akiyoshi:

I quit smoking three months ago and it’s been super hard.  I have gone from putting cigarettes in my mouth to putting food in my mouth instead.  I have gained 12 pounds and my pants don’t fit anymore.  I already feel bad and I know I need to do better.  It was my birthday three days ago and my boyfriend had a treadmill delivered to my office as my birthday gift.  I am self-employed and have plenty of room, but my face was burning with anger and shame when my boyfriend showed up during the delivery to ask me if I liked my gift.  I never mentioned wanting exercise equipment in my home or office, but his message is clear.  Feeling humiliated, I canceled my birthday dinner date with him and I am avoiding his calls.  Why would he embarrass me at work when I’m already going through a tough time?  I will never step a foot on that treadmill, I’m so upset.  He should have discussed it with me, and the surprise delivery to my office ruined my birthday.  He could tell I was quiet and said he was just trying to help me.  What bull.  I ignored him. Was he wrong in your opinion?

-Lisa E.

Dear Lisa:

First of all, I want to say congratulations on becoming a non-smoker.  Quitting is a very big deal and quite difficult for many people.  I agree, you didn’t need or deserve to be hurt on your birthday.  What description fits your boyfriend the best?  Is he completely dumb, insensitive, mean or passive-aggressive?  I hope he’s just sort of dumb and he really was just trying to help you.   Please take inventory of all of his other behaviors.  If he’s mostly a good guy, write this off to poor judgment on his part.  If he’s a passive aggressive, insensitive, or mean person who is trying to tell you that you’re becoming unattractive as you tackle your addiction, then you are probably doing the right thing to avoid him.  Only you have these answers.  Be fair though, you might be a bit edgy right now. Take a proper inventory of your relationship.  Good Luck.

-Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Danice Akiyoshi

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

A Letter From Anna:

Q:  I have twin daughters. They are both married and have two children. My husband and I have always kept everything in their lives fair and even as we were raising them. We now have a family dilemma. One of my daughters has complained to me that I seem to be spending more time with her sister’s family. I didn’t know what to say because it’s true. One household is warm and hospitable while the other feels like a stuffy showplace with a staff of workers (nanny, chef, maid) under foot while I try to enjoy my grand kids. I love my daughters equally, but my husband and I like to spend our time where we feel comfortable.  I would invite them to my home more often, but we recently downsized to a condo.  Any ideas would be welcomed?

A:  Help your daughter understand that we live in a world of preferences. For the most part, things are not personal. Give her a few examples. For instance, remind her that you like your steak medium rare and she likes hers medium. You like onions on your burger and she prefers pickles only. You like a bath, she likes a shower. You like to be simple and homey and she prefers a higher-maintenance household. None of this is personal, people just have preferences.  Help her see that you and your husband enjoy a more relaxed atmosphere. Offer to remedy the situation by meeting in restaurants more often or booking a variety of activities so you can spend time together without household staff in attendance. Ask her for suggestions to make this a good experience for everyone involved. This shouldn’t be hard to work out once you get the conversations started. Good luck!

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Danice Akiyoshi

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

A Letter From Loretta:

Q:  I just found out that my 38-year-old son is planning to move in with me.  He is in the middle of a divorce and apparently things are getting desperate for him financially because of attorney fees.  I heard this through the family grapevine.  I am a widow and I’ve lived alone for three years.  I don’t want a roommate at this stage of my life.  I would be more willing to loan him the money for his attorney fees.  My brother-in-law says this is cold hearted of me.  I love my son, but want a peaceful home.

A:  If living alone feels best to you, you should be honest about your preference. Living with someone is a big deal. Family grapevines are not always accurate, but if your son does approach you to pitch this arrangement, you should definitely express the ways you’re willing to help him while at the same time explaining that living as roommates does not work for you.  It is quite generous of you to offer financial support during this difficult time in his life.  You can offer emotional support in many different ways as well. Good luck!

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her at straighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

Danice Akiyoshi

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

A Letter From Nora:

Q:  My older sister accompanied me on a business trip to Las Vegas last year.  I invited her as my guest because she doesn’t get out much and I wanted to see her have a little fun.  On the first night she lost most of her money and consumed too much alcohol to the point of embarrassing me in front of my co-workers.  I never said anything about how uncomfortable I was.  Our annual trip is coming up again and she just assumes that I’m taking her again, but I don’t want a repeat of last year.  I don’t know how to tell her that I’d rather take someone else.  She is very sensitive and I don’t want to hurt her feelings. Thank you.

A:  Unfortunately, your sister is a social rookie.  Maybe she is just a lovable light weight who gets goofy when she drinks too much once in a while, or maybe she is a true social liability.  Be honest with her and explain that based on last year’s performance, she isn’t a suitable fit as your companion on a business outing, but you’ll keep her on the guest list for your next house party. Enjoy!

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her atstraighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.

By Danice Akiyoshi, N.D.

Danice Akiyoshi

A Letter From M.M.

Q:  My middle aged sister has been financially dependent on our father her whole adult life.  She has a decent job, but fails to live within her means.  My dad has always cushioned her life financially, but she remains a mess.  I don’t like to see her take advantage of him, but when I would bring up the subject, my dad would more or less say it was none of my business.  He said he felt sorry for her because she never got married.  I tried to understand his feelings.  Now my father has a terminal illness.  During a recent visit with him, he told me he knew he could count on me to take care of my sister after he passed away.  I just nodded my head, because I didn’t want to upset him when he is feeling so ill.  I am very angry and I don’t know what to do.  My sister never contributes anything to my dad or our family, but expects to get regular cash hand outs and other forms of support.  Any suggestions will be appreciated.  Thank you.

A:  I am sorry you are facing the loss of your father.  This is a very difficult time in your life so I will keep this simple.  Your dad is an enabler.  Your sister is a master manipulator and probably uses the emotion of guilt to get what she wants.  She most likely has a victim mentality.  And guess what?  It has worked where your father is concerned.  In a way, your dad has also used a subtle form of manipulation on you, when he said he knew he could count on you to pick up the responsibility for your sister after he is gone.  Guilt is a powerful emotion, but nothing good ever gets accomplished from prolonged guilt.  Notice how he never really “asked” you.  He does not leave any room for a negative response from you.  I’m sure he is not feeling up to a big conversation about this, so just forgive him and move on with finding your own way to deal with your sister.  Based on results, your father’s financial assistance has never really assisted your sister at all.  You say she is still a mess, right?   Real “Help” should empower a person.  It’s obvious your sister is disempowered by your father’s hand outs.  So, what your father provided was never really help.  He enabled her to stay dysfunctional.  Quite often, people like your sister end up resenting the people who help them stay in their bad situation.   And in many cases, they form a sense of entitlement that defies logic.  They feel weak and helpless and blame their caretaker for it, therefore feeling no remorse when their perceived requirements get out of balance.  When you do for others what they should really be doing for themselves, you diminish their opportunity for growth, personal power, and basic dignity.  Based on these guidelines, offer to “Help” your sister if she really wants to improve her life and explain that she must be a full participant.  Make it clear that you will not carry her as your father has done.  Healthy, able-bodied adults should take personal responsibility for their own lives. My hope is for you to start a new way of behaving in your family.  Breaking the old cycle will benefit all future generations.

Danice Akiyoshi is a Naturopathic Doctor and the head of Candid Coaching Service. She offers personal coaching services relating to all types of issues and concerns. This is a letter she received from an anonymous reader. To send a question to Danice, email her atstraighttalk@candidcoachingservices.com. You can also visit her website at http://www.candidcoachingservices.com.