By Sarah Sanchez

I married my best friend this past June, and I believe I’ve settled into the routine of my new married life.  I can look back over the last year and honestly say that no one prepared me and my husband for marriage. Even though we took a pre-marital course and were given advice from family and friends, there are still things that no one told us about.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love my husband and I love our marriage. This is not a complaining session, but an informative piece. If I had been given this list before the wedding, I don’t think I would have been so shocked with the changes. So pass this along to any engaged or newly married couples you may know, and you’ll save them a few surprises.

#10 – Develop And Maintain Certain Household Roles:  My husband and I see marriage in the old fashioned way, so I went into this union expecting to be ‘wife of the year’ by doing all the cooking, cleaning, and laundry. And whether he knew it or not, I expected my husband to do the dirty work (i.e. taking out the trash, cleaning the patio, killing any and all insects inside the house, etc.). In the first year of marriage, you will discover what your roles are and you will learn what to expect of each other. The nice part of this is that if either of us switches roles for a day – I come home to a clean house, or he comes home to a clean patio (bug-free!) – it becomes a nice treat.

#9 – Practice Makes Perfect When Learning Your Role:  So, after burning and cutting almost every finger, getting bleach spots on clothes, shrinking my husband’s t-shirts, and forgetting to dust the house, I can now say I finally got used to my wife-role. Whoever is in charge of maintaining the house in your relationship, try to learn all of this before you get married. Trust me. I have the battle wounds to prove it.

#8 — Beware Of Becoming Your Parents: Parents tend to have certain habits that were easy to complain about. Well, beware, because you will find yourself executing those same habits without even realizing it. I got the chills the day I started banging all the pots as I was cleaning the kitchen, the same way my mom used to late at night when we were trying to go to sleep. And the day I uttered my dad’s famous answer to everything, “I’ll make it work,” was the day I realized I was becoming my parents. We grew up watching their habits and hearing their phrases, so naturally, we will repeat them. If you would rather avoid this, then just be aware of your actions throughout your marriage and remember to take your parents’ good habits and leave the bad ones.

#7 – Communication And Compromise Are Key:  Marriage is about becoming one unit, and this “all for one, one for all” mentality can be a little tough to get used to. You will be making sacrifices throughout your marriage, mainly because it’s not just about you anymore; it’s all about the “we”. You are a team now and you need to constantly be on the same page. But if you communicate and compromise with one another, then both of you can be happy with the decisions that are made.

#6 – You Will Become One; But So Does Your Bank Account:  If you and your spouse put all your money into a joint bank account, all of it now belongs to both of you and you have to learn to budget EVERYTHING. This can be tough because budgeting your money makes you realize how much you need to cut down on going out to eat, and how much groceries and gasoline really cost.  My suggestion is to print out a budget sheet online, fill it out every month, and – oddly enough – actually follow it by writing down every expense you make every single day. Dave Ramsey has an awesome book and class you can take that will benefit you as well.               

#5 – Men And Women Are Wired Differently:  This particular point actually became quite clear to us after reading a daily devotional called, “The Love and Respect Experience,” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. We learned that men and women are very different in almost every aspect: emotionally, physically, sexually, etc. As expressed in the book, a way to look at it is that women wear pink glasses and hearing aids, and men wear blue glasses and hearing aids. When you are in a disagreement, men occasionally need to put on the pink glasses and hearing aids, and women occasionally have to put on the blue glasses and hearing aids, in order to understand how the other is feeling.  Sometimes it’s just about perspective.

#4 — When You Say ‘I Do’, You Marry The Family Too: When you get married, it’s a package deal, meaning the in-laws come along with the spouse. Therefore, it’s better to put your differences aside and try to be civil with one another.  A trick my husband and I use is that we confront our own families, and not our in-laws. For example, if the problem is with my side of the family, then I will be the one to confront the family member. But if the problem is with my husband’s side of the family, then he will be the one to confront the family member. That way, the relationships with our in-laws aren’t jeopardized with the confrontation. The bottom line is to try to find a way to keep the peace and don’t let the little things bother you. Also, remember that every family is different, so the way your in-laws act may be very different than the way you grew up. It’s not wrong, just different; keep that in mind.

#3 – Pick Your Battles:  There is a difference between a disagreement and a fight. From my experience, disagreements are more about bickering, while fights are the escalated form of a disagreement that usually includes some form of yelling at each other; perhaps a slammed door or two. My advice is to pick your battles, otherwise you’ll fight about the most ridiculous things. Our first fight as a married couple was about boxes.  No underlying issues.  Just boxes.  Everybody is entitled to their opinion, and there will be conflicts in your marriage; so aim for disagreements, not fights.

#2 – Learn to Embrace Your Spouse’s Differences:  You have to remember that you are two very different people who grew up in very different homes. There are certain habits, flaws, and pet peeves your spouse will have that may be very different from what you are used to.  As long as their habits aren’t hurting anyone, life will be much easier for you if you learn to accept your spouse’s differences instead of trying to change them.  You know how hard it is to change your own behavior, even when you want to.  The pressure increases significantly when someone else wants you to change a behavior that you’d rather not.  Refer to #3.

#1 – Your Spouse Is Not – And Will Never Be – The Same Person You Married:  This is the number one thing that they don’t tell you about marriage. It sounds bad, but it doesn’t have to be.  One of the most common reasons people get divorced is because their spouse is “not the same person they married”. Every relationship has phases.  For example, you start with the person you date (on best behavior); then comes the person you’re engaged to (you still know the person, but the façade starts to crack a bit); and finally, you end up with the person you marry (where, oh where, is my fiancé?).  So if you go into the marriage knowing there will be changes, your expectations will be better balanced.   I’ve only been married to my husband for eight months, and I can honestly say we both have already changed since the day we got married. I learn new things about him every day, even with dating him for four years prior. He has new dreams, new goals, and new personality traits I’ve never seen before. He’s noticed the same in me, too, and that’s okay, because we married each other for who we were to become, not the people we were at that moment.  You can be very different, and still grow together, which is the goal anyway.

Marriage is an amazing experience and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Yes, by the list above, it is tough and there is a lot of learning you have to do. But once you get it down, it’s so wonderful to have someone who cares for you, who loves you, who supports you, and is there by your side through all of life’s adventures.  For better or worse… “The best is yet to be, come marry me.”